It’s Raymazing.
Guess what? HI! Ha. Nothing gets by you. Welp. I am STILL DEAF. I have no one to blame but myself and my online doctor Arran diagnosed me by agreeing about the q-tip ear stabbing so that’s that. Ah gad now that I’ve begun with all this “sharing” I feel like there is just so much more to tell you guys! Where to begin? With how stressed I’ve become over the minorest of things? How much weight I’ve gained? How to make your face prettier to distract from your ballooning up? My drinking problem? Holding everything in for months and posing like a statue when people come near you so that you are rendered invisible? Looking relatively normal and then people treat you normally but thinking oh my god I am not normal look at this idiot treating me with courtesy and respect. This is the blog of a neurotic person I think. I am finished talking to my family and they are with me so my extra energy that would be implanted on to another being, friend, signif, it goes nowhere but to the internet so you are welcome for that.
Blogs are amazing for complaining though. Soundboards of fake-woe, remorse. Fuck can you imagine if I was a mommy blogger selling this tripe? I am the 1%-er blogger who will never be like the rest so I do not feel guilty for my life or apologetic. I am being cyber-bullied by someone currently and every day they say the nastiest things to me. My colleague thinks it’s some mean girl in our inner-sanctum and I am beginning to agree. Their comments are actually helpful in a way as they are a barometer for me to compare myself to the phoniness of life and luxury and also they are so revealing, it shows that what I am doing IS right and if I unnerve someone so much to be moved to spit on me, especially when I am down, this person is disgusting and vile and will be called-out upon someday. If someone alleges to be so falsely happy then why do they cling to my life daily, nightly, eveningly, if I am so wretched how could you even tolerate me!
I don’t know what about this infuriates you so much. Why “artists” get treated like garbage, talked about, okay I get that part, but you know what it is like being born hated and not knowing why. Knowing why but not being allowed to discuss it in a closed door world. Not being allowed to own the shine you possess and imagine if I had the support system or know-how and not the hatred how my thing whatever it may be could flourish and grow. All artists are depressed, hugely. As they age it gets worse, harder. But they still create amazing things. If your art exists in a virtual realm where other people dwell it affects the art hugely. My grapple is tuning it all out, always has been. If I could be an emotional mute it would be exquisite. All these ifs.
My surroundings can be accounted for my happiness lull because I am in depressing surroundings I am depressed. I am depressed everywhere I live without question but there is something to be said for more stimulating habitations you can hide so much within that lifestyle. There are pluses and minuses for all matters of living. In the city I craved the rural retreat always wanting to head for nature. Now that I have the quiet it bores me and boredom is the devil’s plaything. Depression does wonders for my writing but it also destroys it, clams me up. I become ponderous.
It’s weird being Raymous though. On the one hand you feel a responsibility to deliver to cough up tales for the thousands whom still daily visit. On the other I am like but blogging is dead and so am I waaaah. Lol. But I did receive some fan mail today and he said, “anyway, just a quick note to tell you you’re keeping it real. after all these years your blog is still how a blog is supposed to be. keep up the good work and good luck in your new opportunities.” So there. People still appreciate the classic style which I am master of so fine, I’ll keep doing those kinds of posts that you love. You have to vomment though that’s your end of the bargain. Keep it nice, I like nice.
How I made my warm light caesar jerk salad.
Sorry I “have no life” BUT my camera is super way times more better than yours! !!!!! Burn on Iphone. Ps. Fuck you too Bbberry you took too long manning up. I was loyal but we`re done now sorry.
The internet is the best because it gives you the best ideas and by it I mean people who also do the cray diets you do this is vodka sugar free raspberry jello whup whup day party I thought they were all beautiful when I made them. I have great bartending skills, wifeing skills. When we lived in Maine we made every single martini under the winter east coastern isolated sun. My brain is a book in that in my father’s house there are many mansions sense.
That monkey was a present to my dad from Bombay Company RIP and that ship, The Duchess of Bedford, carried my grandparents over here from UK – I graphic-designed that print for my dad, colleague said that last night when I told him about it. We shot an audition video is why he came to my little den. Cave, as Hailey calls it. “Her Cave” man that kid is smart. Then of course seen is JFK. What a guy eh.
You said it babe.
Glitter and gold #DAVIDsTEA Chinese black tea, gold sugar balls, cinnamon, cloves mmmm thanks Nana!
SOOO many more where this came from now I have to go through the ones on my computer for the video ughhhh sleepy fungry.
This stuff is yum. Slizzurp.
Okay real work to do now love you byeeeeeeeee. I was just gonna tell you some real gossip but I decided to save it for a later day. DRIVE SAFE NOW Y’HEAR!
That was a good read. Really honest and captivating. Just keep doing you!
Yup I love these posts too and it’s what brought me here many moons ago. Daily life posts. Good stuff!
I think the basic issue that you identify which blows is that artists are in this weird cycle where their desires and struggles become their value. Therefore, sadly, there’s no reward in achieving those desires or ending those struggles. It’s not because people want artists to suffer, they just want artists to be interesting, and let’s face it people who suffer are the most interesting. All you can do is keep making that art and hope at some point somebody sees it and feels something because of it.
“Looking relatively normal and then people treat you normally but thinking oh my god I am not normal look at this idiot treating me with courtesy and respect”
MY GUESS IS THAT IF PEOPLE STOOD STILL LONG ENOUGH TO FEEL THINGS, MANY WOULD SAY THEY HAVE TO TRY AND LOOK NORMAL BECAUSE THEY ARE FEELING ANYTHING BUT…….
keep keeping it real! i love your blog.
These posts are the best, a few great photos and honest words where many can also relate.
You have a gift of eloquently describing thoughts and feelings which readers experience themselves. Especially the creative minded.
Oprah would call these “Aha moments”.
If something stresses you long term that’s bad.
U should never be afraid to disappear, it’s inevitably so why waste
energy pondering it?
If I had fans I’d be like Christian Bale discussing the finer points of acting with my lighting crew. It’s just to say.?
Ask urself if ur happy then burn anything that’s affecting(effecting?) that goal.
KISS baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAF8D0ugyVk
I relate to so much of this.
I wanted to comment (vomment!) on the previous post because it was “Raymazing” too but here I am on this one instead. I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment but I know you’re going to make it through this season and be okay. I’m glad that you’re writing and love it when you post like this, although I know it feels more exposed and raw – but it’s more human, too. Whoever is bullying you needs to stop. It sounds like you’re spot on as to why. How sad they must truly be to act this way. By the way, I love your hair. The first photo is wow with the bangs! Also, I love your words, phrases, writings. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending supportive thoughts your way. <3
Hope the gloom brightens for you.
xxxooo
I haven’t been visiting much lately, but I do occasionally lurk. Just wanted to say you are appreciated. The fact that you are going through a bit of a rough patch is humbling. It’s nice to see how everyone in the world, no matter how put together they seem, have rough patches. It’s just life. Be strong, it’ll pass. You have plenty of adoring fans.
Years ago, my sister went deaf in one ear. The doctor found the cotton from a Q-Tip in there.
I like the pictures.
I still like reading you. You’re funny, smart and pretty. Whats not to like? Here’s hoping you keep it going. Cheers.
Xo
Raymi, you look especially gorgeous in these pics! Also, I went nearly deaf in one ear. Due to dunking my head in the tub and holding my breath. And I was real scared to go to the doctor. And I worked in customer service on the phone and would yelling into the receiver at people all, “WHAT? HELLO? ARE YOU THERE HELLO?!” and then would hang up on them because I was freaking deaf. But I left it alone and it finally went away. Wish I could say I had punctured it with a Q-tip rather than re-enacting sinking-under-the-water bathtub scenes like an idiot.
Why did you do that Francine? Glad you’re better and that I can hear again now too I just have to finish taking all these stupid pills BUTcif i eatthem on an empty stomach they help my metabolism if you know what I mean BONUS.