life according to blog

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so, i saw my crazy doctor today.

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and i put out there every single bad thing i’ve been up to the past two months. err, i sugar coated. lots. well, thankfully i am graced with selective memory these days so it wasn’t exactly lying per se because i eventually just let it all spill out.

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hahaha bit intense. bit of awesome. i just got to the party i was nervous. i know, cute, cute. note how my scarf (crystal’s scarf that has served me well all through winter) meshes into my cougar shirt with ease such is the magic trickling effortlessly from the fall in to style person that i am. that sentence was super duper challenging man. how much trouble do i look like?

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a friend of my brother‘s who found me coincidentally on pof (who didn’t know i was shawn’s sister until he saw a pic i put up of the two of us a week ago) said to me, “and guys should know better than to care about a woman like you. and when I say care I mean love. And when I say love I mean that forever type of way I hear about.” i don’t know if i like this realization but, it was certainly enlightening and kind of feeds the inner beast/justifies more selfish behaviours.

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new friends yay. i am a people eater. MORE. right meow.

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smokers smoking over there.

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he’s her me. teacher said. i repeated that aloud a few times mesmerized by it, proud and slightly defiant about it. i dunno. new people perspectives on the person that i am or that they encounter come at me around the clock due to said people eating.

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more like devouring.

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this is a portrait of a wild animal.

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she told teacher he had to get his head on straight once he went through the raymi wash (raymi ringer?) he thought he’d never see me again.

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can you fault him though you can’t. look at that. the more damaged and hyper-active messy i am the more attractive i become. this coinciding with my pledge to take the fuckin’ world might also be a recipe for disaster.

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this was a fun night. i think we were sort of helping each other change the music, here, SIT on my lap that will totally help. my zune (yes i have a stupid shitty zune that actually comes in handy but it’s a time warp of tunage listener beware the crabbiness that will ensue from dealing with it) was conking out and no song was good enough. i was definitely a tune hog which was one of my bender hangover guilt clouds don’t you hate that? i told you i get greedy.

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on a scale of 1-smother this weekend was pretty up there but it’s fine, the weather was crap i wanted to recharge and it was fun seeing how undone squirrely we could get. there were peak moments of retard oh let me tell you, english became non-existant at some points and i think i came up with a billion mental case nicknames for myself and teacher. the latest top contender of course being sprinkle seahorse cuddlemuffin pants. yeah. i know. i will spare you the rest.

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this is what a dickhead looks like. this was when i was under assault by nerd trolls thank you for the hangover activity allow me to go psycho rage on you happy saturday.

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mmm hmm lookin good white. that’s lisa’s shirt i kind of demanded to borrow it. i wore it to brazenhead which is like guy with blond trophy girlfriend afternoon weekend pints ground zero. my secret plan. it’s safe to say i was the hottest coolest one but there was an even hotter mess (disaster crime scene plane crash) than i up at the bar oh we loved her. stories, scenarios, sizing-up was done for every single person in sight not one was spared when we ran out of people we went back to the bubble. no the townhouse. it will get the proper nickname eventually. i think there was a guy there on a date that i had dated before that we nicknamed sandy. my (possible?) date with him also took place at the brazenhead so it makes sense (if it was the same guy afterall). daters are habitual people in nature very creatures of habit-like myself included i always like to revisit the scenes of my various crimes which i guess is partly why i can never remember one date from the last.

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ok so THIS hot mess with suicide nips and slobby somber zombie arrogant gait traipsing up to the bathroom a few times, like, the only reason to even leave the house at all during a hangover is to get some validation fumes off good looking liberty village hipster yuppielitists otherwise you cannot tolerate the same person for 72 hours. we were in a marathon of tolerance. he also needed to see how i have somehow magically cranked it up a notch to an 11 by seeing other dudes check me out i’m sorry but that’s part of the deal. anyway we made it out alive and it was ALSO awesome that a chick from pof was at the bar that favourites teacher all the time. she’s got some years on me (tons) and i think she might stop favouriting him now.

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we’ll see though.

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i have to leave artifacts behind to ensure my return also i like my trinkets and like to look at them. sometimes my room is a moratorium to a crazy girl who is never there.

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took awhile to get out. i was diggin’ on my blond ramones hair.

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my message to le troll and all haters really. the thing is, i’m told, is people who fly through here or have been watching my life for years think that i don’t know what i am doing? but who does really and why that should concern anyone who is not directly involved in my life then who fucking cares? shut up.

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just let me be a dick ok i was born to be a dick, so i’m a dick. with a heart of gold.

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woah yeah baby this part’s the encore.

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i told my psychiatrist that the next two years oh you better believe it i will be insane i have placed and feel so much pressure on myself gah nightmare. he asked me if i was manic. i said do i seem manic? he’s like yeah well you always seem a bit up. i go hmmm well you never talk and i just keep going because i love to hear myself talk and you don’t interject and it makes me nervous and then i answer my own questions out loud. the meat of the epiphany of today’s session was that i am a rationalizer. i’ll do stupid or dangerous shit and justify the bad parts in some shape or form. dude has finally caught on to my bullshittery i suppose.

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he said my lifestyle and job all feed into it too. yeah DUH 60 watt lightbulb realization guy. that i can always find an excuse to drink and party cos i’m like ok i will only special occasion drink from now on and he’s like pffft after i was like pffft hahaa uh but the risk area for me for him was my serial dating. le gasp!

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i told him i had to do it. ok we’ll get back to that part but about my i dunno, mania? my tom hanks in BIG kid lifestyle. i said i live like a baby in fear of responsibility so i invented a life more or less so i could avoid exactly that and everyone i know enables me or protects me from i dunno, being independent cos they see me for the lazy sloth lovable tortured urchin that i am like i am clearly suffering from the hands of my own shit and the only one who is going to bail me out is me and like that is ever going to happen anytime soon (here is hoping) well it will it has to, which is why the next two years of my life bubble of stress is psyching me out but also exciting me to get healthier and be healthier, live healthier.

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i said to the crazy doctor ok well imagine one morning you didn’t have to come here anymore, gesturing to the room, you didn’t have to come to work anymore and you got to go cosmic bowling instead, AND, someone will drive you there and also what’s more is people will email you all day long, holding up my blackberry, telling you you’re awesome and THEN you go to a beautiful young and rich people party where everything is free and you might be paid to attend it plus go home with swag and whoever you wanted to plow from that party. he looked at me. i looked at him. there was nothing else to say, or point to saying it. he pretty much agreed one might be cuckoo bananas from that a little bit.

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now do that for like a year.

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anyway. i said yeah i might be a little manic but it’s functioning mania and borderline bipolar. i couldn’t afford to fall off the rails at all anyway so no worries and no thank you i don’t want to try out whatever new medication is out there. i’ll take a chill pill script though thank you. still get social anxiety sometimes and panic attacks here and again. LIFE you so extreme!

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then i put on fat pants because i felt fat.

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this bathroom is awesome cos you can continue a conversation or watch the flat screen in the livingtoom it’s luxuriously hilarious.

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this psycho cat likes me.

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i think it was sleeping with its eyes open.

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aw little butterball bunny wunny wunny.

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there’s another one too. i forget their names. they change. kabooki? so totally not even how you spell it right. meh. I’M BUSY!

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this was a great snl repeat that i’ve never seen.

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thanks for telling me my thong was sticking out.

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so pale. nice bod though. thanks motion room! heavy weight pics from last week coming soon.

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pants getting loose and dumpy.

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turning into sleep zombie.

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why do evil cats gravitate to me?

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muahhaha.

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blog slave doing my duvet hahah.

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you can actually see me smirking in the antique mirror’s reflection HAHAHA. how close am i to being tucker max and having dudes come over purely to do my laundry. and cook.

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good job kid. who is actually older than me. but still.

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and i looked like a garbage dump. please take a picture for my blog thank you.

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you know what they say, pretty is as pretty does.

xoxox

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