i just wrote this in the journal i’m keeping to later transcribe into my next book and thought i may as well just plunk it down here now. my penmanship is pretty terrible, i’ve been going back and reading aloud to fil when we are in the car some of my entries and have had to skip entire paragraphs because i have no idea what it is i wrote, and find that to be pretty funny.

nov. 24 2007 4.31pm saturday

i read somewhere today something that made me feel better about not learning another skill, by trade, like a job or school – that’s how artists make it, you just do art and nothing else basically so you are forced to succeed. there, and thus the cycle of lazy continues on a little further.

fil was moody all day yesterday cos his camera is broken and so he moped all over the place and we’re a little broke temporarily on top of that and so finally during movietime i kinda snapped, i get really affected by other people’s moods, i know you can’t be “on” all the time but anyway i said you know, i make an effort and i feel bad ALL the time and i don’t even have a reason for it, just all the time bad so i guess i understand for someone who doesn’t have depression, when things go poorly they feel it way harder than someone like me who is used to feeling that way, so when something goes wrong you’re like, so what?

anyway sometimes i feel like i’m just barely keeping it together myself while simultaneously being everyone’s monkey all the time.

this is the life i’ve chosen for myself.

the thing i read that i mentioned earlier was inspiring is all.

also in the bath earlier i looked down at my pubes and thought some were turning grey and kind of hoped it were true cos then it would give me an artistic advantage maybe, in some genre i haven’t thought of yet. anyway it was momentarily funny.