HOW TO NOT WRITE A SHITTY BLOG POST (questions to consider)
1. have you written about this before?
2. are you writing about a dream? seriously, do you think we want to read about your dream? this is hard not to do, especially when you are desperate for material, it’s like how you are not suppose to talk abuot your ex on the first date but you do it anyway. if you MUST write about your dream, don’t go into detail, three basic facts will suffice.
ex: i dreamt i was eating a donut. then i was paranoid it would never digest in my stomache. it was a yellow donut.
random pointless facts are funny. here is another version of the same dream but with way more boring details.
i was walking to the donut store, walking and walking walking…oh i saw, this…guy, and i knew that i was very hungry….blsakfesgklrebvgkdsv U&TU%R*&f HJBVNMvljgl and then i freaked cos the donut was so, porous…..and KUGAXS;iu sagfvew vfdsf iuewlg a vanilla ice cream cone, strawberry sandwiches, a kitty cat some tea kettles…saeh rwiuf dskjfb and then i thought oh NO this will be in my stomache FOREVER and i was trying to determine what color the donut actually was cos i remembered this one time that colors mean something so i think it was like a beigey creamy color closer to yellow, but.. not quite..yea, maybe come to think of it the donut was yellow. anyway so as i was chewing…..
you see? fucking boring.
3. what is the point of this post? are you referencing a comment someone made to you three months ago but no one read or even cares about?
4. are you writing about your sister’s wedding? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SISTER IF WE DID WE WOULD BE READING HER FUCKING BLOG!
5. are you writing about a movie that sucks? seriously don’t tell me some movie that clearly sucks is awesome i will come over to your house and set off fireworks in your livingroom until you “get it”
6. are you writing about a musician or music group like it just came to be popular yesterday but everyone else has known about it/them for at least a year? seriously, shut the fuck up. do you think writing about music makes you cool? who are you, me in grade seven?
7. do you write about the clothes you wear like your style is original? oh wait is that a foto of your repro spicoli vans that only retarded jocks wear? oh, it is? NEAT!
8. are you beating a dead horse? are people NOT BUYING your shit or joining some group you invented STILL? guess what? YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER!
9. are you ripping me off? yes? ok that’s a good blog post then.
10. are you writing about me? also brilliant cos i will link you and at least 500 people will visit your blog today.
this is how you get people to tell you super secret stuff at parties when you meet them for the very first time and then later on you talk to their friends who they’ve known for years and are like joe blow told me this this and this and their friend is all WHAT I HAVE KNOWN JOE FOR TEN YEARS, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT – YOU MET HIM FIVE MINUTES AGO AND HE TOLD YOU THAT!?!??!
1. get wasted
2. get joe blow wasted
3. divulge a bunch of personal information about yourself that you’ve told to various other people before in the past, bonus points for watery-eyes.
4. eye contact
5. touch their shoulder and smile a lot, nod your head
6. make them feel like they are the only person at the party and they have your undivided attention. ask the right questions, stick to the same subject, it will lead you to the juicy shit.
7. tell them a hilarious gossip bomb about someone you know
8. by now they should be telling you a bunch of secrets
9. memorize everything they say
10. act like it’s no big deal that you know this shit
so instead of meeting sharpie for dinner i made tofu chicken rice onion butter chicken whatever and shared it with fil and i am still anorexic cos amorexics eat huge portions of butter chicken.
we rented domino even though i said i would not see it again, i needed to watch some fluff. serious movies make me want to drink booze. so we drank diet coke.
skinny bitches who drink diet coke and say they drink it cos they like the taste better than regular coke are lying fat slobs and i know this because I AM ONE. diet coke tastes like chemical carbonated soup and makes me feel like shit like my insides are mutating and drying out and my head feels like i drank arsenic.
all right… so I’m speed reading your blog at work, scrolling pretty quickly. My boss walks up, looks at the screen, whatcha doing? Bang! Boobs. Two of them. Now to the casual observer this might be a bad thing, your boss catching you looking at boobs that aren’t your own. But I play the honesty card, and tell him “looking at boobs with you”. And all ends well.
haha to add to that i would be like, “excuse me last year you guys told your dad you’d wait in the car while he settled up the bill and he never did. seems to me someone owes me for two bills tonite.”
thinking about not eating makes me super irritable and tonite we’re meeting sharpie for dinner. ungh. i don’t know how anorexics can enjoy being anorexic. so many hours of my day are spent thinking about eating, what i am going to buy to cook, i dunno how anorexics fill their days and kill time. day 7 of anorexia: today i ate a piece of lettuce for three hours and now i am going to blow my brains out cos it was so fucking boring. goodbye cruel fat world.
i ripped off 90 per cent of my baby toenail saturday nite wasted. idiot.
