sorry everyone but the term “live blogging” just means that you are a bigger nerd than when you aren’t live blogging? so basically i am “live blogging” right now cos i am typing in real time but when i hit publish it’s no longer live?
this is what live blogging is:
11:59am – i farted
12:02 – i think that was more than a fart
12:11 – zzzzzz
anyway
yeah
find a new term cos it’s pretty embarrassing
LIVE FROM MY BLOG IT’S 2:32!!!!!!! YESTERDAY WASN’T LIVE BUT TODAY? TOOOTALLY LIVE!
YESTERDAY I WENT AWAY FROM BLOGGING FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES. TODAY? NOT GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN GANG!
GUESS WHAT OBESE READERS!? NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO TURN YOUR HEAD TO WATCH THE VMAs ON YOUR TELEVISION COS I AM WATCHING THEM FOR YOU AND WRITING DOWN ALL OF MY THOUGHTS!
ok tagged ophelia got me and so did a bunch of others outlaw too i think and someone else i forget. anyway i’ve not been avoiding this 8 things just kind of been pretending to be above it? also, i don’t think i have any secrets left but i will try. pretend everything you are about to read is brand new.
1. i had a seizure when i was a toddler and was hospitalized for two weeks, i had an ear infection and was massively dehydrated from vomitting and so i had a seizure, my mom walked in on me convulsing violently on the livingroom floor, it was during a blizzard so the ambulance took about an hour to get to our house. i am not epileptic. i do not remember any of it.
2. i got Henoch-Schonlein purpura when i was 7 this very rare fucked up rash on my thigh that was like velvety red and massive and everywhere. i had to give a skin sample and then got stitches for the first time and we went to several different doctors and all of them were like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? it wasn’t until going to my dermatologist that it was determined i had Henoch-Schonlein purpura.
Henoch-Schonlein purpura is an IgA-mediated, autoimmune, hypersensitivity vasculitis of childhood that results in a triad of symptoms, including a purpuric rash occurring on the lower extremities, abdominal pain or renal involvement, and arthritis. However, any of the triad may be absent, which often leads to confusion in diagnosing the condition. Although the cause is unknown, Henoch-Schonlein purpura is often associated with infectious agents such as group A streptococci and Mycoplasma. It has also been associated with food reactions, exposure to cold, insect bites and drug allergies. Treatment is supportive, and children affected by this disorder need close follow-up of renal status.
good thing i’m getting CLOSE FOLLOW-UPS haha.
3. i don’t like desserts anymore and it subtletly offends everyone around me after dinner.
4. in grade 3 i won a colouring contest and got a free/signed book from ted staunton and i won cos i hogged the class copy of taking care of crumley and copied one of the pictures and everyone was MAJORLY JEALOUS and i got to stand up in front of all the grade 3s and shake ted staunton’s hand and he gave me a copy of Maggie and Me and on the inside he wrote “and Lauren” so it was like Maggie and Me and Lauren. I FUCKING RULE GRADE 3!
5. i gogo-danced on a speaker at a kid koala concert in my underwear on halloween a few years ago at lee’s palace. my roommate was on the other speaker and he was wearing these tiny pink 80s shorts of mine, we looked hot. kid koala (eric) got me on stage to have a staring contest with someone out of the audience. i lost.
6. i got my belly button pierced when i was 15 and took it out the third time i was hospitalised cos i thought the ring was a tracking device or something, the ring could be metal-detected but the joke is on me those things are made of steel. the hole is closed up now. i think belly piercings are way tacky now and pretty ugly unless you are a shakira type person you know?
new mascara is AMAZING. dear: new mascara, can i buy you a cellphone so i can call you when i go to the bathroom at the movies? i will program a special ring for when i call and everything maybe i can get you on the same plan as me or something? yeah? dear: old mascara, uh, peace!
do you guys think i could be a stand-up comedian and my schtick would solely consist of saying DEAR: BICYCLE, blablahblah DEAR: VOLLEYBALL NET, blahhhhblablabluhbluh DEAR: NAPKIN RINGS, blausfekfdegfll bla bla bla?
whatever half of you think i am plagued with mental problems anyway.
fil tells me i need to work harder on getting famous and i was like uh when was it decided that I was the one who had to get famous? basically joke emailing triple-A celebrities is not how you get famous. i should’ve known. i emailed pauly shore in 2002 AND DID HE WRITE BACK NO! i was all dreamy and romantic about it saying he could share my futon and we could go bikeriding wasted and i could score him drugs in hindsight i guess it came off creepy but no wait, pauly shore fucking BLEW IT!
i only emailed him cos i found his website and read every page on it for his email.
more stories of how i try and manipulate celebrities into being my friend to come!
hmm i wonder how i could get paris hilton to be my friend? ideas?
raymi: that’s uh?
paris: hot raymi, that’s hot
raymi: OH PARIS YOU ARE SO SMART AND AN INNOVATOR
fdoihrhureo ungh i can’t do it, this person told me once that they thought paris hilton was actually a genius and all this other crap that i pretended to agree with yeah more on that later.
ok we saw snakes on a plane last nite i have to make this review quick cos i am going on a magical adventure in ten minutes so my apologies for the lack of radical metaphors and the yeah see? can’t do it.
anyway we were gonna walk halfway thru but we invested too much into it and i would always wonder how it ended. it’s pretty over the fucking top, like when samuel l. finally snaps and says that motherfucking snakes line you are like ME TOO! they don’t try and make the things look very believable either and so when you do see a real one you are like WOW A REAL SNAKE.
there’s a fuckscene in the beginning and nudity and that’s when the snake shit goes down and obvs. the lovers bite it. everyone gets a snake in the eye or dick or neck. sometimes samuel is on the fone and someone walks in to say something and he just like hangs up the fone like hello who were you talking to dude your mom?
the snake expert says TIME IS TISSUE it’s a pretty good line.
these kids beside us were talking the whole time and the movie is so loud and dumbed-down that i didn’t even care i was focused on looking really cool to them and so when samuel said funny stuff i would lean forward and guffaw and this 14 year old nodded his head at me and his friends like he knew that i knew what was goin’ on.
we also didn’t drink last nite yay.
**fil just told me he is going to write about SNACKS on a plane – OH NO it’s a bag of peanuts help i scraped the roof of my mouth OH NO the SALT.
i dreamt that my dad was chaperoning/hosting david bowie all around toronto and i was like cool i’ll stop by and so i’m all casual me and david bowie sharing stories of the family’s past and stuff cos david bowie and i go waaay back to when i was a baby then by the end of the dream/third day of david bowie’s visit i realised that david bowie was actually a friend of the family *mike who has rock feathered blond hair and is pretty much a fuck-up alcoholic anyway i was like whatever cos i am in an indian food fair now eating dahl who cares.
how come in dreams you are way less intelligent than in real life you’re like OK I WAS IN MY OLD HIGHSCHOOL BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, weird. ??
