Jason: i saw you guys at the drake last night but, i was only there for about 20 minutes. melissa had an amazing show again, did you see anybody exciting yesterday?
me: what did u do when u left drake poured me the biggest whiskeys for some reason
Jason: somebody musta known you or something. everything i get at the drake is watered down. i had to go to “harlem” to shoot some freestyle hip hop dude from halifax. the people who i have the pass through are doing a story on him. his name sucks: ghettosocks.
me: hahah where is harlem and ghettosocks sound familiar
Jason: on richmond, just east of church, last night ghettosocks actually had a song called “paris hilton is going to jail” kinda funny. then one guy made me give him a word to include in the rap and i was a little drunk and caught off guard because i was shooting and i said street. then he spent the whole rap mocking me for coming up with such an “unexpected word” haha. i’m a hip hop loser.
me: you are such a fucking loser wow HAHAHAHHA i can picture it now were you humiliated oh fuck street thats like the chicken of rap words
Jason: haha. i am not a rap guy.
me: rap guy! hahahahahahhaha it’s rapper!
Jason: i wasn’t even trying to come up with a rap sounding word
me: well you did
Jason: i did
me: you should have said something that doesnt rhyme with anything or said fuck you aristotle think of your own word
Jason: well, if i could think of anything i would have that’s the whole point
me: what is, that you are a disgrace to the white race?
Jason: i would only be a disgrace if i was trying to be all hiphop WITH those guys and wearing jerseys and sunglasses, and i came up with “street” and thought it was cool
me: well it’s pretty funny i would have said garbagemouth or refrigeratorhead
Jason: in retrospect, i should have asked you to come along. lots of opportunities for photos and mocking “fuck you aristototle. think of your own word.”
me: then i would get jumped for my camera, phone, hat, boots, wallet
Jason: the crowd was mostly white and asian kids. the only black people worked at the bar.
me: were there lots of posers ya
Jason: almost all, i’d say
me: im putting this on my blog
Jason: ah fuck
me: what it’s gold
Jason: me being a loser
me: well maybe you will learn a lesson from this
Jason: perhaps. or it’s quite possible i’ll always have material for you
me: well if you look at it like you said it in mocking of them
Jason: if i tell the story again, i will
me: when the guy was rap dissing you were the white kids going OH SNAP
Jason: but not around you because you will bust me they weren’t reacting at all and i was back shooting.
me: oh you just described one of my dreams i live for busting people, you’re all talking then i screw my face up all witchy and say THATS NOT HOW IT WENT
Jason: haha. i am aware of that. it’s a lot safer to just let you talk.
me: i say embarrassing shit all the time
Jason: you know how to “take charge” of a coversation
me: yeah but then i blow it cos in my head im like hey i have the floor then i basically say the word nigger
samir looks like jimmy kimmel here.
this chick thought she hired me for this is london cos of the hat yes that was me.
if you see the teaser ads for next week’s cntm episode you can see me and fil! i am again wearing the green/black striped sweater and my high tan boots, and fil is to my right, your left. it’s playing every 4 seconds on city pulse.
i bought new pants at h&m today and i am 2 sizes smaller! i grabbed what i normally try on which usually fit but look fucked up, too much material in the vag inner-thigh area and dumpy on the side thigh basically, everything legs excessive material. all of my weight goes to my love handles so i am a pear. i gave up trying on pants at h&m for 1.5 years cos it makes me depression spiral city, today i thought i would give it a go and i grabbed a biggie pair and it was a tent, so i went out and picked two more pairs in smaller sizes, tentatively thinking oh i’m defs gonna be the next size down only. wrong.
h&m’s sizes are smaller and meant to make you feel like a hippo i guess. anyway i’m slated right now so i dunno be prepped to read a ton of pants poetry.
oh lisa, i saw the dress you described and i REALLY wanted it. i haven’t seen anyone wearing it. no matter, i always heed thee blog advice. so no chevron stripe for me. i mean
hello crazy ontario weather today! we went to the burbs for some biz to take care of and fuck, trees down all over, where is helen hunt when you need her?
speaking of poetry, more poetry slams war graffiti. if you have been following, this all began when i scribbled POETRY SLAMS = SINGLE FOREVS. on the wall of an annex bathroom that hosts spoken word, poetry slams, music geek instrument blowjob nights i dunno, and so, people took the bait, finally, with some goading. my side is winning, of course. i can tell by the script that i am arguing mostly with the same person.
this is the script that keeps popping up.
also this one, they like to say GET A JOB as their argument. funny.
oh, but of course your mom’s new age “wacky” friend myrtle chimes in. i was going to X it out and write GO HOME but i think i’ll save the vegan war for a different stall.
good one, ugly.
i said that. first cuss word in the whole thing i fear it will all be wiped off.
i said that too. just in case the nerds forget that they are the problem not the solution.
i gave fil the last quarter of my chicken burger with GOUDA and he crammed it in his mouth so fast i couldn’t get a photo of his porno-elated face. also he had just eaten one of his own.
i didn’t want to be too full so i shoved these guys into the ketchup/chutney mix to dissuade myself, and it worked.
not for fil, though.
+++
watch next week’s episode of canada’s next top model, you will see me and fil, i am wearing a green and black striped sweater and probably look fat and making busted faces. i can’t tell you anything else. don’t tell me about this week’s show we have to catch the repeat. oh and if some nerd knows how to record it (next week’s show) and wants to put it online, by all means do it. maybe just the part with me in it.
+++
I don’t know how you deal with this abuse from a bunch of petty shitheads who sit around all day waiting for your every move that they will then attempt to copy and call their own.
Some random stranger named “Heather” is spending way too much time obsessing over your shorts, and it most likely stems from the fact that she is an insecure freak who wants to be sure no other girl ever looks better than she does. And Heather…the dirty look is ALWAYS jealousy. “Do you own a mirror?” is usually more of a bemused smile.
The shorts are great. You can wear anything. I get that it’s amusing to hear feedback from random strangers, but when the outcome is so wholly predictable it’s important that they understand that you are miles and miles above them.
“Hi, I don’t care, thanks”…that says it all. Monstergirl
i said a dumb thing to ron sexsmith i said his friend wasn’t important when i wanted my picture taken with him and ron said actually he is and then i got flack for it all nite long til i talked to the guy and turns out he is all yeah he barely knows me, basically saving face for the guy, ron was, so burn on everyone for not getting it.
i told him strawberry blond was one of my favourite songs and he said oh should we play that one? YES. he did. then afterward he said thanks for mentioning it cos they never know what songs to do.
i made a video of it too.
i ran into some old school friends who were there for blue rodeo, who didn’t go on til 3am, we left halfway thru melissa and luke’s set. oh man my liver.
the shorts were a hit, this awesome chick from scotland called me a doll, everyone else asked if i was wearing a skirt, my shirt kinda covered everything so it looked like i was wearing i dunno, a tiny skirt? then once shorts were revealed everyone was really impressed by my balls. and jealous.
ran into an ex-friend’s friend who recognized me from my blog and we shit-talked the mutual friend who OWES US MONEY and half of toronto!
that’s the nxne mascot some little old lady made them all by hand, only 77 were made and i got one cos i am probably the only retard who will make the effort to take pictures of it everywhere.
friends having fun, sigh. is there a rule in kensington market that you have to be a total dink to hang? these three weasels walked up to us as we were snapping pictures and one walked right in front of me, i was on the sidewalk, it was at nite, there was NO traffic in the road, WALK AROUND ME YOU SHIT! and they had an attitude about it as well, like, get out of my way world. dudes sometimes i, i just, i get SO steamed! are you with me?
you’re beautiful. (goulet voice)
hungsville on the subway to union to meet pitt, pre-coffee.
this family was near us, i could tell the mom was not vibin’ on my outfit.
seinfeld voice, what’s the deal with those horses? fil: they’re an art installation. raymi (bitch mocky voice): they’re an art installation.
i meant, why? why horses, and, four of them? whatever union.
nice beret OU EST LA TOILETTE?
check the lady behind us in total love with eating.
uh, buddy, your boner is showing.
DEAR KID IN THE BASKETBALL JERSEY DRESS, BLACK SPLASH PANTS AND CONSTRUCTION BOOTS ON THE HOTTEST MOST SUNNIEST DAY EVER: WRONG.
don’t ask cos i don’t understand.
then we went to smokeless joe’s to meet fil’s sister and bf, we couldn’t think of anywhere else, i know, shut up. we will not be eating there again, brews only.
well actually, if i had more money i would have oysters there, 2.50 per. i get that the price is high cos of the labour involved in shucking those guys open but it doesn’t change the fact that you are dining on something that is essentially just tasteless snot that you have to cover in hot horseraddish sauce. not to mention that every fucking retard says THEY ARE AN APHPRODISIAC but when pressed have no fucking clue why. dear rich people, deeming something a panty-remover does not make it so.
then to the riv to see radmad. she got drunk as hell and then biked a 75k marathon the next day. mental. i am still thinking about the roti from the riv. oh also everyone who works upstairs there is a jerk, don’t get it. they put CC in the crown royal bottles too. winners.
then the ‘shoe to see jim bryson.
he’s pretty endearing, did i say that already? his friends/groupies were not feeling the raymi, like fuck off i am talking to him for two minutes, hold tight hags i’m not going to marry him.
then on our way out i see this chick and went over and yelled nice dress into her face and then pointed at my chest then after this picture i tucked in the flap on her chest and said i know, that happens.
then we walked home and had to urinate so badly finally did it beside some construction shit and a building and this dude walked by me totally on purpose and it sent me into a rage i tried to find him after. oh and i got piss on my leg.
giles, of the vibrants. i don’t know if that means anything. i told him his name was pretentious i think i hurt his feelings. i meant it in a good way.
me: i dunno i wrotr to the guy he never wrote back ther ei just wrote
merkley???: what is ei? oj there – 1 i wow lots of typos with few letters impressive ratio
me: ei employment insurance? oh you are making fun of me HEY YOU TRY HAVING LONG NAILS
merkley???: you try having a brain!
me: i dont have time for words i mentioned you last nite
merkley???: how so?
me: ha that made you respond
merkley???: yeah it’s hard to get a response outta me
me: i was in the middle of bragging about myself and all my amazing attributes and then i brought you up in the most passive of ways, it was like straight out of our coolness rules guide, like i was tossing a package of chips in slow motion to some guy without even looking
merkley???: ha ha that was one of the best rules did they really throw a party for you?
me: NO haha
merkley???: you got me
me: but anyway i was talking about the thing i am writing for vice and i said oh and i might be interviewing merkley, you know merkley? and the guy goes yeah well dont you already DO that? i said yeah
merkley???: ha ha
me: i was really cunty last nite like ON cunty and i could tell to one guy it was going way over his head so i had to dumb it down a bit i hate that
merkley???: yeah that sucks
me: it works better on younger dudes it makes me sad when the oldies dont get it thats funny you believed all those people were at that party for me HAHAHAHAHA anyway this one guy, it was built up that he had a good voice and i was told mine is also amazing so he walks over unsuspecting that i have pre-conceived notions people should NEVER inform me of stuff EVER the end
merkley???: well its not unbeleiveable that you could have a big party
me: we were driven there in a gibson tour bus and got booze there were guitars on the walls and people were playing them i secretly wished someone would do stairway they didnt
