i’m gonna do mad audblog posts now. i hope it stays nice out. the moisture in the air totally fucks up everything cool about my hair. always. i’m gonna look at this beat generation book i got for my dad at christmas a couple years back. glory days in greenwich village.

i think i ordered the scurry tornado weather. it’s overish now. good. i got the best banner on my site now. i cant handle my mum following me around everywhere telling me stuff constantly. she told me this dude she ran into, the weiner guy has some company now where he designs underwear. im going to model that shit.

i found a roach thank god in the garage and smoked the hell out of it. i think i mite be able to get a ride, ya my dad just said yes he would drive me. you dont seem like you feel like hanging out with me that much today. you just up and left here earlier and have been weird ever since. i derno ur stressed or something. i guess i am a lot for you to handle and being with yer friends away from me is necessary for your well-being, and it is a nice break for you hanging around and stuff.

things here are just wacky. my moods change like crazy. sometimes i notice it like oh ok today i guess im going to be mad and moody and extra depressed. depressed. pshh. dumb word. it explains everything and nothing about the illness itself. i think i might post this on my blog, this email. maybe not. im emailing it to myself regardless. i say all this crap and immediately forget about it. you know if you just listened to yourself sometimes and talked yourself out of bad thoughts and situations and feelings, things aren’t so overwhelming. the answer is right there but im too lazy to acknowledge it so i keep obsessing over twat-nothing for no reason other than if im not a sad person i am just, a person.

anyway no im not stoned, nowhere near stoned.

i don’t write emails to people like this anymore. i don’t really open up to people the way i should. not even my psychiatrist. maybe a bit to him. i don’t even know if i open up to myself.

i love you

that is what i know

the O.O.

i hope you know

that lighter you stole

was in my twat

ya you’d think that hot

i’d do it some more

right here on the floor

‘cos what you’re not

pretending to whore?

your pithy words

you girls in herds

your bubble world

could make me hurl

if i cared enough

for your diamonds

and wheels

sometimes i just want to cut myself. not seriously do it. ok maybe but like just to see how it feels. i already pick at myself like crazy, my legs, the back of my shoulders, neck, face, anywhere i can reach. raymi has scars. raymi gives herself scars. when something goes bad or the second stress arises my hands go at my body and pick. everyone tells me it’s normal but seriously i don’t think that it is, well it is but not to the extent i’m doing it. you know? if things were cool i wouldn’t be picking and scarring myself.

i’m fucking embarassed dude. i just want my face to tan so i don’t have to wear make-up to cover that shit up and the huge circles under my eyes. fuck.

so back to cutting myself. i’m just looking at my arms and the scars and scrapes from raymi accidents and i think how awesome a big long deep boner of a scar down my left arm to the wrist would look.

laura at the slutfactory told me she liked being cut when her boyfriend fucked her from behind and she enjoyed watching her blood go down her arms all over the place.

decent.

a few scars here and there make sense.

and no mum i won’t actually do it so don’t go all mom’d out in my comments. please.

Donde esta el hombre

con fuego en la sangre

I’ve got a secret I cannot keep it

It’s just a whisper of a distant memory

Just a dream or so it seems

Take me back to the place i’d rather be

You left a fire in my eyes

That lightens up the darkest skies

Im giving up im letting go

I’ll find my way so

Take me back to my sweet lavida

Find my love my dolce vita

Show me where i need to go

Donde esta mi chico latino

Stolen moments time has broken

My eyes are open to this life-long mistery

And so i’ll go with what i know

Take my chances and run with destiny

Now there’s fire in my eyes

I’ll break away and say goodbye

Im free to be im letting go

I’ll find my way so

Que sueno, dolce y pequeno

Yo no se yo no se

Pero no es un cuento

Mi corazon con tormento

Chico latino te quiero y simplemente deseo

Yo lo se el camino

Es un sueno latino

she’s an ugly girl

does it make you want to kill her

she’s an ugly girl

do you want to kick in her face

she’s an ugly girl

she doesn’t pose a threat

she’s an ugly girl

does that make you feel safe

ugly girl ugly girl

do you hate her

’cause she’s pieces of you

she’s a pretty girl

does she make you think nasty thoughts

she’s a pretty girl

do you want to tie her down

she’s a pretty girl

do you call her a bitch

she’s a pretty girl

did she sleep with your whole town

pretty girl pretty girl

do you hate her

’cause she’s pieces of you

you say he’s a faggot

does it make you want to hurt him

you say he’s a faggot

do you want to bash in his brain

you say he’s a faggot

does he make you sick to your stomache

you say he’s a faggot

are you afraid you’re just the same

faggot faggot

do you hate him

’cause he’s pieces of you

you say he’s a jew

does it mean that he’s tight

you say he’s a jew

do you want to hurt his kids tonite

you say he’s a jew

he’ll never wear that funny hat again

you say he’s a jew

as though being born were a sin

oh jew oh jew

do you hate him

’cause he’s pieces of you