here is something pathetic i did once to make you miserables out there feel a little less miserable. when i was living in mississauga after my crazy nervous breakdown i was a total loner, i did not go out, i was taking lithium and i could barely even talk or come up with anything original or creative it felt like the end of the world for me honestly i use to walk around the house singing that song carlton banks sang on fresh prince of bel-air and tyra banks as jackie catches him and they slow dance except when i sang it, it was ten times more pathetic cos i was in my pajamas and i never showered and would lean in a doorframe sighing LONELY IM SO LONELY I HAVE NOBODY FOR MY OWN.

i didn’t shave my beaver either cos i wasn’t getting laid my self-esteem was ZERO and i had no friends no one called me i called no one my life sucked i had no money and no booze. my hair was falling out too and the lithium made me get up early so i couldn’t even sleep away my depressing life so i would lie sideways on the couch and watch every single morning talk show, i obsessed about being on the price is right, i had decided that it was the ONLY thing that could save my life that was my high hope that is as outside of the box i could think, my limit. plinko was it for me. thinking back on all this now i’m surprised i didn’t kill myself. i even dreamed about getting into a car accident cos at least that would be something and maybe i would have some cool scars on my face under my eye i dunno.

so anyway the one pathetic thing i did during this time on top of many other pathetic things was walk to the plaza by myself one afternoon in the cold and purchased a box of laura secord chocolates, brought them home to my room and stood eating all the ones i liked the best, and going to the bottom tray finishing off those fuckers too. i did this standing up staring out the window and totally spaced out i felt ok this is the lowest of the low lauren you are a total hurtbag, i was probably crying too. ok no i wasn’t but you can pretend that i was crying and eating chocolates by myself in my tiny childhood bedroom with the lilac floral wallpaper.

then i brought the box of rejects downstairs and left it on the kitchen table for my brother and his girlfriend to go through, which they did but still left a bunch behind to which i just threw in the garbage the next morning feeling like a complete tool.

laura secord chocolates can only be enjoyed if you are trying to greed as many of them as you can at a christmas party.

maybe one day i will tell you what my actual low-point is.

at that time i thought i would never have a boyfriend ever again no one would ever want me and it doesn’t even seem silly now to me even though it completely is that’s how bad depression can get that’s how fucking awful lithium is my thought-process was completely valid at the time i felt, at 20 my life was fucking over.

don’t ever go on lithium unless you HAVE TO.

i didn’t get laid for six months and to some of you that’s a SO WHAT i mean i didn’t have affection or proper human contact for six fucking months and i guess i am still bitter about it.

and on top of all this everyone was bossing me the fuck around reverting me back into a child telling me what to do and being nosy and bringing up the shit i had already just gone through to use against me. my mom made me go to these drug/alcohol meetings at the hospital which i was kicked out of cos i never talked re: lithium i am probably going to write a book about those classes. i mean these people were all in their forties, fifties, sixties and here i am 20, i looked completely healthy compared to all of them it was silly my being there. fucking thanks mom.

they would look at me like why are you here you haven’t had a drink or any drugs in MONTHS and you don’t seem to be having trouble with it ME on the other hand i just got high last nite and my hands are shaking like crazy…

i felt like a fraud and i couldn’t even speak i was so nervous cos of the lithium so i probably looked like some college student sitting in to take notes on addiction i dunno.

so that was my life, doing nothing all day long then once a week an alcohol/drug addiction class and then sometimes i would go to adapt where my counsellor swore a lot to “relate” to me while my mom killed time shopping at winners. one time she made me walk to the plaza where winners was after my appointment to meet up with her so that i could be “more independent” (well actually so she could have more time to shop uninterrupted) and in order to get there i had to walk alongside a highway what the fuck i got the whole “being more independent” shit but walking alongside a highway w/o even a sidewalk and meanwhile i am a neurotic lithium mess? fun times kids. i think that day i screamed at her to buy me some shoes too. we do not get along.