when i was in grade 4 maybe, my friend rena and i were out wandering the neighbourhood dragging our shovels around trying to get housewives to let us shovel their driveways for some sweet moohla but most of them are cheap nazis who say “i’ll get my husband to do it when he gets home from work.” fuck you! you’re home all day making lean cuisines, shovel it YOURSELF or let US do it for 5 dollars don’t lie to me and say you are going to nag your husband to do it after he gets home from work!

so finally this one woman says yeah totally so we get on it thinking this is sweet her driveway isn’t that big at all and then all of a sudden she comes out with a shovel and her shitty little son with his baby shovel and they help us, rena and i exchange looks like what the fuck how are we going to get paid if she is helping us and then out of nowhere the woman is all DO YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS!?

and we’re like uhh yes and she goes THIS IS WONDERFUL BECAUSE IF PEOPLE ARE AS NICE AS THIS ON EARTH IT MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY AND LOOK FORWARD TO HEAVEN AND I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE UP THERE IF THEY’RE THIS NICE DOWN HERE!!

so then i began to shovel less half-assed so we could get the fuck out of there.

so we finish up and it takes longer because she is babbling away about jesus and we have to act fake-nice and pretend that her little son is soooo cute trying to help us and we have to move around him and wait for him to pick up the tiniest amount of snow on his tiny-ass shovel.

so she goes inside and we are like AWESOME DOLLA DOLLA BILLS YO! and she comes out with two of those christian comic book things.

!!!

thanks lady. then we ran off as fast as we could laughing hysterically. talk about insult to injury – hard labor, no money, jesus talk.