i found two beers in the fridge like ten seconds after i told my dad i am gonna quit drinking today, so i’ll stick with the initial quit drinking monday shit. and he just came in the door with some food so i have to be all stealth and hide the booze when i go into the crisper and the place where the eggs hang out in the refridgerator now, fock and he’ll say what are you doing and i’ll say looking for lettuce of course oh look some bacon, dururururr.

and i am quitting smoking tomorrow. i have five belmonts left and i wasn’t going to tell anyone kuz i didnt want 40 emails or comments going good luck u can do it, i dont want anyone to say anything at all because this is the first time i have said to myself since i was 15 that i was going to quit smoking. i don’t want to tell people because then when i fuck up or have a drag here and there and then i full on start smoking again those 40 emails will be something like you are a loser.

i don’t say things that i plan to do unless i know for fact they will come to seed.

so i know i won’t fail at quitting smoking and i know i won’t fail at quitting beer and booze, you know. i already haven’t smoked the marijuana since early july and i have zero desire to smoke it ever again. well, except of course for when i see certain movies and hear certain songs, but whatever.

and i know not smoking and drinking is gonna make me lost it a bit in the happiness factor because i have also decided to cut cold turkey my zoloft, deeeeepreshin pills because i have to embrace this sadfunk that is my life, those pills are making me hypo-manic these days and it is just ridiculous.

i have also been taking the mod lithium as well and i think i’ll take a whole pill instead if half, we’ll see how it all works out, because when i miss zoloft i see black and white spots and i walk into stuff and i am like, woah.

so possibly i won’t be able to quit smoking just yet, well tomorrow i will but i’ll have to start up again because i will be very fucking sad for awhile and it’ll show, i won’t be standing around going s’ok s’ok im ok raymi is ok ok?! but you let’s talk to you focus on you me? fuck me. forget me.

le fucking sigh

sorry guys i’m figuring this out as i write this now and i keep eyeing the can of labatt behind the laptop screen and this truely is the last day of booze for awhile and i think i may start crying like how i cried over weed and angelo can attest to that. heh. there is even photographic evidence.

me and my addictive personality just like, spoils me.

i walk around going guys what organ is this and i point at my stomache and sometimes it is my liver or it is my kidney or my intestines and i go why is my gut lopsided why do i have chest pains all of a sudden i never had them before why does it hurt when i do sit-ups.

i have to stop polluting my soul.

but for now, it is beer o’clock.

oh and i also have some sketchy news to report on my paro-state-of-mind + posts traumatic stress and the like.

stay tuned or something.