today
i went for an assessment today and it was cleansing, i was super nervous beforehand, but all in all i feel good about it now. i’ve decided to be truthful and not sugar coat things or reveal my website this time though if this person is savvy enough they could just google me – i don’t want it to turn into me performing for an hour from a chair and making zero progress whatsoever. i haven’t had a THE RAPIST in a long time. basically i want to get to the bottom of my anxiety which is a direct result of my drinking which is a direct result of my depression and bipolar mood disorder. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.
a lot of people suffer from anxiety and are ashamed and embarrassed by it, i know sometimes i feel extremely guilty about inconveniencing others so i keep it to myself and that is such a stupid idea. you cannot possibly fix a situation if you hide it and do nothing about it.
here’s the thing, i’m not ashamed of therapy or afraid of it, i do feel a bit sheepish walking into the building though like a fluorescent red arrow is hovering over my head, ugh, but then i get inside and see people far worse off looking than i then i think ok what’s that guy have, crack, methadone addiction, gambling? then i think ok shut up focus on yourself and this magazine and then i look at the models and think yeah she is so on pills, anyway, point being, we are all fucked up in our own special way, so get the fuck over it if you ever want to make anything of your life.
i’ve been self-medicating for years and i realise the drunk glorification cuteness window is pretty much coming to a close, as someone recently told me drinking is now a necessity (for her) which i relate to way too much, so if something isn’t done about it now before my face turns into amy winehouse’s i’m going to be in trouble.
i told the chick (i don’t know what to call her) that i am a functioning alcoholic and that i drink because it’s a part of my lifestyle and that everyone i know drinks and there is always an excuse for it, i want to change but i don’t exactly know how. the time when i was sober was the most depressing most boring time in my life, i don’t see myself as ever being 100% sober, just hopefully very much toned down.
i had to fill out this questionnaire on a computer at the beginning and then at the end of the session we went over it and i got to keep a copy, there’s graphs of my ambivalence toward my addiction, how i get along with people, support from friends and family etc, she said that was good, sometimes that part of the graph is empty for people older than me, at 25 people still have tolerance for your bullshit, but when you’re 40 they’re just like you are on your fuckin’ own dude you crashed my car and pissed in my closet PEACE. anyway, i decided on my own steed to do this and no i haven’t pissed in anyone’s closet haha.
I’ve thought about this for the past two years. I read that book “Smashed” and even though I don’t buy the whole feminist angle I DID realize that you have to ACTIVELY choose to not drink every day for the rest of your life. I just recently set myself up for failure by choosing December as a month to not drink. And after four days of crushing anxiety, I opened a bottle of wine today and poured a glass. I don’t plan on finishing the bottle tonight or anything- but why can’t I go five days without a drink? It’s hard though. I don’t want to be 40 or even 30 and still needing to take the edge off of life. But why is it so hard for some of us to get through the day without slipping between anxiety and depression, and so easy for others.
Sigh.
That was an awesome post. I’ve been a little bit or a lot depressed since childhood. I used to cope by drinking, then shopping a lot, then being mean to everyone close to me to force them to leave me because then in my mind i made them leave rather than being abandoned. Fucked up. Anywaze…i just went on an anti-d again, low dose, helps me through the brutal times of the month, like pre-menstrual so i can actually not cry every day of the week. Good for you for getting help & talking about it. It inspires me to not hide it all the time. Honesty like this really helps people feel not so alone and ashamed. Maybe TMI but thx anyways.
yeah ive been down that road .. i mean.. into THE RAPIST office .. a few times. its not exactly scary , but it is sure as hell uncomfortable. and you wonder to yourself am i even going to be able to be honest? if i cant should i just go home?
im manic depressive and bipolar as well im on this medication called zyprexa and its working, the only problem is you’ll gain like 30-40lbs i gained 30which was good for me cause i used to be underweight at 110lbs,
anyway enough about me now back to you i hope everything will work out for ya
i am where you are girl.
let’s reconnect
ok?
My anxiety and depression were recent developments, and I still can’t get over the barrier of opening up to professionals. I’m too conscious of being judged, or of me judging them. It’s also too easy to lie, and I’m too good at it to stop. You have to really want to open up, and it is really embarrassing to do that, so I can admire that you’re taking a risk by letting yourself be vulnerable.
Kick some serious therapeutic ass and steal the mints from his/her desk. No really, they secretly encourage/expect it.
word to the bird.
you know me…i don’t drink anymore…and that was a shocker for everyone…not drinking is boring though.
i think its rad youre getting your shit together & stuff, cant tell you how much i can relate.
i only have 1 tip dont get a shrink whose dick you wanna suck (mine) because you spend more time doing your hair before sessions rather than purging your tragic childhood memories or whatever
*clap clap clap*
We should get together sometime and share tales.
I bought rescue remedy today. Here’s hoping it works!
P.s. you should probably refer me to your THE RAPIST.
xo
Well, I’ve just opened another beer, so… this hasn’t epiphanized me. Once I’ve been to see my (medical) brain care specialist a few more times and get semi-stabilized, though, I should probably follow your example.
I’d say good luck, but that’s got little to do with it. You’re strong, you’ll do what you put your mind to.
It’s retarded, but you’re an inspiration. You’re fucked up in a way that I’m very familiar with…
This it the greatest post of yours that I’ve read – really honest. It’s beautiful.
Good luck in your journey Raymi. I’m not going to the pub tonight after reading your post. I’ll miss the company but not the alcohol. I too suffer from depression and need assistance from artificial substances. The first step to solving your problems is admitting that you have a problem. Keep up the interesting blogging and tell us how you’re progressing.
Your openness about this is encouraging, thank you Raymi. Also: nice leg warmers.
Walking into the therapists office *is* brave. I know I feel that way every Friday.
My therapy ended about 6 years ago and $300,000 ago. Yes that is 300K. Advise: Do not shop for therapists that agree with you. Referrals to the best therapists come from people like Judges, Psychiatrists and yes, Catholic Charities, not people with problems. Learning to recognize the goodness of life and how to share it with others will feel normal if you are successful and accepting the rest that you cannot change will get easier.
I wish you well.
g
Dr. Kumar once got me to draw up a “What do you hope to accomplish my 40″ list once. I found it helpfullllllllll.
sjm
errr, that last post should have read “by 40″…whatever…I’m sure you’ll figure it out…
aw, that made me sad. you can piss in my closet drunk or sober and i’ll still adore you. especially since i know you’ll clean it up. xxx
i ruv you so much you can piss in my closet any day. i have fun all the time without drinking and so can you la! no more sadsies ok? fanks.
If I could get sober, anyone can. The last ten years of sobriety have been the best, most productive years of my life. Sobriety is like a rebirth, a chance to start over in a new light, living with yourself in the clear, welcoming the truth of who you really are. My guy, Ryan Adams, has been sober a couple years now. His song, “Stop”, moves me. Please be well, treat yourself well…..Bob
That’s SO insane, I just wrote a post tonight about how I have anxiety right now too. I’m so nervous to get help for it…I feel kind of embarrassed slash totally uneasy about talking to a stranger about my issues.
My friend told me about some book called “20-something 20-everything” and she said it’s pretty good. I haven’t checked it out yet, but I plan to buy it out of curiosity.
Hope everything works out for ya :)!!
i have gone to therapy twice-once when i was 15 and had to do very boring cognitive behaviour therapy stuff (and how did it make you feel? what’s the worst thing that could happen? etc.) which i’m sure is helpful if you’re not a 15 year old who hates adults and are only there because you’re mom is making you. the second time was very recently (life is spiralling downwards) with a very unhelpful person who barely said a word the whole time so i ended up blabbing on and on in an inappropriate manner about inappropriate things. what i’m saying is that both experiences were negative but i know it would be a good thing to do. what i would like to know is how you went about finding a place to go, it seems like there is an ocean of therapists and i have no clue about where to start.
“anyway, point being, we are all fucked up in our own special way, so get the fuck over it if you ever want to make anything of your life.”
OH GOD IT TOOK ME 27 MOPEY YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT i love this quote though, ugh life.
in canada we have free healthcare and we can get referred by our GP to a place where it’s all covered under OHIP.
Beautifully written post. You should have a blog devoted just to anxiety and shit. Its very comforting. Keep it up!!
Raymi,
Your heart is talking to you. Keep listening and follow it. You’ll end up in a wonderful place. I’m 56 years old, never had a real bad substance abuse problem, but I’ve had plenty of other shit happen to me. I’ve always tried to listen to the voice of my heart. So far, so good.
great post
I’m about 8-9 years out from when I “toned my shit down”.
You’ll still be very creative, and interesting. You’ll focus yourself into other things that will still be hip and relatable to people. I worried that I’d end up being uncool, out of step, etc. You can still do all of this without selling out and being a “Born Again Babtist”.
If nothing else you’ll develop your skills and become much better at writing, painting, dancing, music…….
I’ve had the anxiety thing for 25 years, I hope you can solve the issues, I’ve had a bit of success but sometimes it comes crashing back and it’s a constant battle with myself in my head, I’m sure you understand that, I realize sometimes I’m not even enjoying something because I am thinking about the anxiety or what might go wrong or what has gone wrong… all the stupid shit. There’s lots of crazy and horrible reasons for anxiety, I don’t know if I will ever fully resolve my reasons which I’ve never really shared with anyone completely, I guess I should because I’m one of those 40 year olds whose time has long passed for being cute about any of it I guess (although most people would never realize I was that age but fact is I am so I should get on with things). I always fill my head with this idea of what I want my life to be and maybe I need to spend less time doing that (look how much time I’ve wasted) and more time doing. I’ll shut up now with the rambling bullshit, just wanted to say I feel your post.
Dear Raymes, I quit drinking, and I’m a zillion times happier and skinnier and WAY more creative. My paintings are better. I do less stupid shit…and I have WAY less anxiety! you are a smart cookie–whatever you put yer mind to, you’ll be able to do.
i knew all the headcases would come out if i wrote about this.
“i knew all the headcases would come out if i wrote about this.” ha seriously!
this is awesome lauren. you’re such a smart, strong person and you’re definitely more than capable of taking the right steps to make yourself happier and healthier, and this is a big one. xox
hahaha aww headcases… well i’m not a headcase (at least not enough to warrant doing anything medical about it) and i still liked your post. it’s sort of weird and gratifying to open your blog expecting the usual recap of your everyday and to find something you really care about. the headcases whose stories you may or may not be frustrated at having provoked are, i believe, just trying to be supportive, since everybody here loves you and just wants to see you well. and after the kinds of things you post every day, it’s a bit of a reality check for your readers that alcoholism and anxiety are not glamorous. you deserve better.
i said headcase in a funny voice ps. i’m not hatin’ i just know that when i go emo it give everyone permission to follow suit.
congrats, you’re lucky you have so much support and love. we’re all behind you. i did it last year and many friends dropped me, but i was happy in the long run to weed out the bad seeds. if they can’t hang without drinking, that is their problem, not yours. xo
I would say “Hey, me too!” but I suppose that’s a bit redundant at this point.
All I know is that my doctor was supposed to refer me to a supposedly reputable therapist years ago, but didn’t. Instead she tried to shove pills down my throat and tell me they’d make me all better. I didn’t take em.
aw rayms – you are a courageous, talented, lovely person. thanks for being so open.
“i said headcase in a funny voice ps. i’m not hatin’ i just know that when i go emo it give everyone permission to follow suit.” i know
my ha was because i was thinking the same thing when reading the other comments(about your post being a catalyst for others talking about their own situations/experiences). it wasn’t mean-spirited at all.
i was clarifying myself to kanerry mostly, we all so sensi hah.
Thank you for this. My bi polar anxiety is costing my marriage, so this post is very timely for me. I am going to be going to therapy next May for the second time in my life. My first therapist was also for pain and he was a dick and traumatized me. But, I have to do something because I will lose everything if I can’t manage this. I can’t take meds and don’t want to, so I guess I better start talking.
Anyway, thanks Raymi, this made me feel less alone.
great post raymi, best of luck with everything. you rock and always will even without booze.
good luck w/ that. Someone else mentioned rescue remedy for the anxiety shit, it seems to work for me pretty well. When I was still living with my mom I stopped sleeping and spent all night freaking out and my mom, being a hippy just gave me a bunch of herbal anti anxiety shit and the rescue remedy actually got me to sleep.
Good luck with the therapy stuffs. Your blog rocks.
i too suffer from anxiety .. panic attacks galore.. i hate talking about it.. cause most people are like OH ITS IN YOUR HEAD!! DUh. its like fuck off.. whatever.. what are you most afraid of.. times that by 10!! Drinking was taking me down a path a year ago!.. like everyday!.. then I started breaking out in hive an having stomach problems.. I went to the docs. an I am apparently allergic.. i have been pretty much drink free.. yup semi boring.. now i bake an eat.
I work with an alcoholic who is extremely nonfunctional. She comes in smelling awful, slurring her words and is generally a health hazard. I think she will lose her job soon and part of me is thankful not to have to fear for my safety and the other part of me is sad thinking this person couldn’t find a good enough reason help herself enough to get off the bottle and turn her life around. It’s just a sad thing to see everyday.
“You should have a blog devoted just to anxiety and shit!”
Guess what? You’re reading it.
This is another one of those “proudest moments” for you,
I know you will be a success in this next journey
As for opening up to “the rapist”
i think you are so wise not to reveal your creative side just yet
Keep it so real this time around, no entertaining
keep it raw
that way it will be all real and honest
And remember
these shrinks are only human too
I hope hes not reading
But your last shrink ended up on the other side of the couch
with his own anxiety meltdown
some better than others
they are here to help
and only human too
I love you ox
Thanks for this post, Raymi. Many that suffer from various psyche disorders are often quick to hide their conditions. I, too, have dealt with one. For over a decade, I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Many don’t understand why those with psyche probs do and act the way they do when their condition has a “flare-up”. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for promoting awareness to these issues and showing so many people that many with these diagnoses can be overcomers & live a victorious life.
Sincerely,
Chris