my cousin he is like retard

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off to burlington. i dragged melodie along. she LOVES burlington now, had never been before. how novel. all the shit i get up to in burlington she dug it all. so awesome.

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first stop after dropping our shit off at my dad’s was barb’s pool. she’s such a great lady. good friend of my mom’s. her coug partner in crime. barb has a daughter i’m buds with. holly.

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haven’t had carbs in ages. it’s been full-on zero dairy for a few days now. maybe four? i think it’s working. though if you want to be bloated out of your balls then eat a cup of freeze dried strawberries from bulk barn like i just did now. i think they expand in your stomach like al dente risoto (be careful!) melodie says i am getting skinnier and melodie is always right so that’s cor, as the british say.

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right about the time we learned about toronto’s black out. sorry guys. i am a sweaty red faced from sun beast.

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dad and i did a pretty good job on my hair. what a money saver this is going to be and think of the bonding too! dad i am turning you gay hahah. nah nah steady on. i think he had a blast cruisin’ around with three hot pisstank chicks up to no good on a monday night yeah?

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short cuts that turn out to be long cuts. fence climbin’, doin’ the burbs right.

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so pissed about this. spicoli little asshole much? and oh my god is that feet tan i have?

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it was nice not wearing underwear today. to sweat through yet one more layer of clothing? stupid.

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in new orleans it is so hot all the time like the heatwave temp currently underway that all you can do is get hosed and sit around fanning yourself while soaking in your lap pool, which is a perfect existence if you ask me. sipping on mint juleps while character assassinating everyone in town, bourbons sweating on beautiful doilies while ceiling fans out in the open air, spin. we had a slow start and slow to move lazy afternoon today thanks to the heat and the hang(over). it was too hot to even lie on my towel that got broiled in the sun i did a ferris bueller pass out half touching it half dead in the grass meanwhile melodie was having a heat panic attack on the cement patio. winners. you can see my longboarding accident scrape on my right hip. shit. i’ll say i got attacked by a shark that turned out to be a pussy and i was able to fight it off.

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there’s a chick who lives in that house behind me who’s in a wheelchair i think she spies on me through the window. who wouldn’t out here? nothing going on at all. other than me big lebowskiing all over the place. i’m choosing these day’s off in burlington over dating right now. men have been pretty boring lately.

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oh yes.

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perfs. i wish i could go back in time and be my dad when my grandparents left him the house for two weeks and the car when he was 17 and they went to england. he had parties every nite. beers in the bottom of the pool. he thought about buying that house again but someone just scooped it. aw man! chilled out retro smooth looking bungalow that place would be awesome.

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my no carbs diet took us to mikado downtown burlington for sashimi and sake bombs. ok that is the dismal amount of carbs (beer) i had yesterday, the beer for the sake bombs. tooling around to the beach boys and oldies those girls were swooning blissed out retards it was great. melodie says she has no idea why i am so depressed.

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too bad the rude native moved from the little village courtyard. i brought aimee here once with an old guy i used to hang with and made him spend like $200 on us right on this very spot, this exact table. we had oysters and champage and a ton of other stupid stuff. my hair looks like shit here.

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showed this to melodie and said you will be nostalgic for this moment before it’s even over and she went aww oh yes and part-sobbed. the patio at night in the quiet summer heat was spectacular. drinking so much rose with beast is what got me fat(tish) again i think. i still indulge in it every so often still. the more pretentious and whimsical-looking the label, the better.

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pit stop at emma’s before that. mel looooves the patio and water view and hopes no one takes it for granted here which they totally do.

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david bowie dance party then we jammed for a bit. guess what, it was awesome fun.

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me right now and new opi nail polish. can’t quit the baby pink. it’s so lady and darling which i go for. i am going to douse myself in soft baby pink anything i can get my hands on, drench my hair in peroxide to playboy bunny it as much as i can up top all the while leaning out to the max and getting crazy tanned replete with magnificent deep-set tan lines (they are incredible, so much so a recent ex-fling composed a song making mention of them, but anyway…) and then once all of that is accomplished we’ll see what happens. i hope thunder bay likes icy blondes. i guess i’ll have to practise my doe eyes and dimwit voice.

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left it on slightly too long. i am floored over saving money. so so totally floored and once i master it i will do other people’s roots too and then i can open an all platinum salon. next time i am going to just do my entire head it’ll be way easier.

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dad please put in a lap pool. short of that a slip n slide. sprinkler even? no man, pool all the way. i’m too lazy and old for a slip and slide. i had to ice my right carpal tunnel bone deposit on again off again cyst wrist with my goblet of white wine ice spritzer last nite at emma’s. torture.

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melodie’s panic attack.

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rocky is beautiful.

all the other pics i missed can be found in my twitter feed.

i brought melodie to chap’s. we had shrimp cocktails which were actually so good. bloody marys. i had mine without salt. i only ordered one cos mel did even though i didn’t want it. earlier today my dad was like so are you, going to blog? he’s jonesing. meanwhile guy, i am like, actually here, not good or interesting enough for you to have me walking around talking chirping buzzing lipping off in the flesh?

a hick yelled to me from his truck if that was a wiggle or was my ass chewing bubblegum? i said oh my god you’re retarded. he wasn’t expecting that as a response so it made him laugh like a demented hyena. my butt is epic and curvy and kinda unexpected on this body of mine so i don’t blame him also, paint it with daisy dukes what look like giant fuck you prude pants and people can get a little crazy.

i cannot believe i am going to thunder bay tomorrow. i am somewhat in denial about it? taking train in early tomorrow to my hot messy bedroom, packing all i can into the carry-on (which sucks cos you can only bring one pair of shoes and you better get that decision made right) then somehow making my way to the ferry (sick of cabs, too impatient for ttc and can’t bike with a suitcase, or maybe i can??) then over to porter which i’ve never flown before. must remember to get off at hanlan’s right instead of gravitational ward’s island pull. why do i feel like that particular juncture off the ferry voyages less frequent…ugh anyway this is why i am somewhat in denial because of the last minute in-between junk i have to do to prepare.

who cares my roots are gone, i can wear rags for the week and get down with my best friend hosers i haven’t seen in far too long. we are going to climb the mountain again. drink at the legion. car hole parties. swim in cool rivers and lakes. lounge around their backyard play in the garden rock out foosball be hungover constantly it’s gonna be soo good oh and they just bought a new house so they’re buzzed off that new thing.

please alert the mayor and every dude in town, thanks.

this post gets a 9 out of 10 for conceitedness.