ps. whoever the person was who recommended shoot ‘em up in my comments a little while back, please reveal yourself because i have a BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!
after a slew of crappy movies, that guy was icing on the fucking cake, last week’s 48 hour sober party combined with all around feeling terrible, stressed, cabin fever, and then five shittiest movies ever, i don’t know how either of us didn’t commit suicide i really don’t.
fil took this one ONLY because the best vantage was from his side of the car, this is the cemetery we drove to on his motorcycle on one of our first dates.
there is a subaru wrx sti wave that subaru wrx sti drivers do when they pass each other SUPER GAY! fil did it the other day and i didn’t notice then he says did you see what what i just did? no what? then he tells me, then i explode into hysterics. seriously, why give me this ammunition?
dropped in on nana and papa, he’s got a major operation tomorrow or the day after, very nervous about it, trying not to think about it – anyway, i asked him about jack kerouac and if he ever made contact with him, he said he decided to write him but then he died two months later, there was a 9 year difference in age. i asked the exact relation, so i was off a tad this whole time: my papa’s father’s brother’s son’s son was jack kerouac. before i thought it was my papa’s father’s brother’s son. oops. so now i know.
working up (maintaining) a sweat during our break.
this is how i felt after dodgeball. sore very sore. our team was undefeated 4-0 in the first round, then we played the nevernudes, it was very close, but they beat us. my particular dodgeball strategy was to jump up and down on the spot really tiny-like and be as useless as possible until i was the last one standing and then eat up a minute of dodging balls and then get another guy on so he would do all the work and win for us. at one point they were like ok you’re the last one and i went WHAT! and then three balls slammed me. psyched me right out. anyway it was fun i want to do it again next year and i don’t think i will be able to wash my hair or brush my hair for the next three days (arm lifting is tough pain pain pain).
oh and good news i can fit inside a locker with the door closed still.
the balls are made of foam and then coated in a plastic stretchy-like substance and you can squeeze all the air out of them and get this wonky lob when you hurl them, but they are impossible to throw because they are so light and you throw out your arm every time cos everyone was trying to be like rambo, i gave up on throwing cos most of the time my balls would be caught so i just skipped around and made faces at the other teams and laughed at them as they got out. i would put myself maybe at second shittiest on our team of 12, ok maybe 3rd shittiest. i’m good at lasting and catching the ball when i’m not running away from it. fil is really good.
we also had an advantage over every team in our conference because we never had to do a back-to-back game, nor did the andodgimals, and they ended up winning it all.
oh here i am doing my sweet lord at christie‘s bizarro new year’s redux party, we popped in on our way home after the ukula after dodgeball party where i mostly sat like an awkward loner retard at the bar by myself, i think i used up all my overcoming shyness points for the day.
zero people could recognize me from the stupid avril lavigne-like outfit i wore during dodgeball which made me look and feel fat all day long, one guy i am like hey he is like hey i’m like i was on your team he goes oh wow i totally did not recognize you in your clothes. see.
i pee’d a lot cos i was nervous all the time (for winning) and drank a lot of gatorade and water.
next year if we are on mr. dodger’s neighbourhood again i will get a better shirt and be ten pounds lighter.
i got everyone taking turns kissing the big J for luck, it seemed to work.
i wore my run-proof mascara, on top lashes too, impossible to take off, but lasted all day and nite.
some dudes were totally psychotic, not this guy though, he was funny. we didn’t get to play his team chuck norris, or the neon team, or the andodgimals either. the teams we DID play were: cops and dodgers, dodgebots, and the jolly dodgers and then in the play offs we did the dodgebots again and beat them, but then lost to the nevernudes.
shitty blurry picture i was nervous i didn’t know anyone yet, well i knew mike.
the dodgebots, that’s steve, one of the budd twins who put on the budd cup and also his birthday, other twin chris’ bday too. there are three budd brothers, two are twins, one isn’t, they all look identical. confusing.
i am EXCITED for dodgeball in 2 hours! i am also nervous and feeling really shy. here are the rules. if i get hit in the face i’ll get someone out so maybe i will try that. i was just telling fil how in grade school when we played this the class was split in half so it was easier to get away with playing like a little girl by running away from the ball, ducking from it, let everyone else do the work until you’re the last one left and then they just let you win. today is different, there’s 6 people on each team, and we are all wearing costumes (ours is mr. rogers-themed). i have to hurry up and try on fifty different shorts, i want to wear a pair that i can comfortably slip my camera into one of the pockets of during play. i might have to wear a bikini top under my dress shirt cos the one i plan to wear the buttons pop open whenever they want, cardigan-wise i’m all set, and i will wear my jesus tie. oh man oh man oh man i hope we don’t embarrass us, so out of shape and fil can’t aim! apparently there’s a bunch of canadian musicians we will be playing with and against.
i put this image on a bunch of cafepress merch for anyone who cares.
hi raymi,
It’s me Jimi I’m a fan of yours and I drew that picture that’s on your boxers and dog shirt. Attached is a new drawing I did of you for you. If you can post these steps on your site somehow without feeling lame and I win the contest I promise to buy a bunch of things from you.
Step 3: Keep clicking “next video” until you get to one called “ingbeat” from: karaokespecial
Step 4. Click on the “thumbs up” button (looks like a hand giving the thumbs up)
Step 5: click on “next video”
I feel like I’m blackmailing you or something but I’m just broke and if I win I’ll have money to buy your merchandise. I would be forever greatful, thanks raymi keep up the blogging i like it.
Jimi
i’m only doing this because jimi is funny and talented.
ok so here’s a tale i’ve been threatening to share on this crap-o-blog awhile now, fil pointed out last nite that my memory ain’t as hot as it used to be, short-term wise i agree, longterm, nice try.
this story i title MY FIRST DAY IN ENGLAND DISASTER.
just thinking about this fucking day exhausts me.
ok so i go to england for the summer of 2000, i’m 17 and i’m signed up for this OAC (grade 13) writer’s craft exchange program which i’ll receive a highschool credit for. prior to this i don’t know anyone in the course, obviously. so we land at gatwick and discover that the coach bus company to take us into london went bankrupt the night before so there is a mad scramble to fit as many people into taxis as possible with our luggage on our laps, i had to sit on a (stranger) girl’s lap in the back with my huge suitcase on my lap for the long commute, and we have no idea where we are going either, we’ve all got xeroxed maps and lists but it is of no help cos no one can remember where we’ve been told to be dropped off other than imperial college, not the campus, or dorms, no specifics and the cabbie is asking us over and over about it I DON’T KNOW WE JUST CAME OFF AN 8 HOUR FLIGHT NO IDEA DUDE!
so we are deposited near the back of one of the cafeteria buildings, and it’s coldish, about ready to sprinkle rain, we all take turns having mini freak-outs, we are alone and feel like we should just sit tight, the other half decide lets meander around, fine fine finally a car scoots up and a dude gets out (teacher?) and says this way so we follow him to a crowd a few streets over and now there is a lady with a list of our names for rooms, when it is my turn i go up and say WHITE, LAUREN and LAUREN WHITE she looks it all over newp no your name isn’t here you must be staying in the other dorm on montpelier go follow those people so i do and by now i’m making chums with these two chicks from hamilton and i’m optimistic about staying in the same dorm as them, the one we had just left was really tall and drab and apartment block-looking, pass.
so we walk along some cobblestone little maze-like quaint streets (we’re in knightsbridge london btw) all very nice and pretty and then the sun pops out a sign a sign i’m thinking we get to this totally charming smaller residence, kind of victorian old world posh looking and clamber up the stairs inside asking what rooms are left running up the stairs to claim what’s left i find a room with a window overlooking a tiny courtyard garden, gothic-looking brickwork all about, i love it then i notice there are some personal effects in this room oh shit taken a girl comes in and says she’s switching rooms for the one next door i can have this one later, i pop my head around the corner and see the room she wants that this other girl is ditching for a hotel room, this room is rad and it has a balcony fire-escape, primo for sneaking out at nite, i want that room and i realise that i know the girl kinda so i say can i have this room instead you aren’t even unpacked just let me have it i’ve been wandering around london the last hour i NEED to collapse she’s like alright fine (meanwhile she has promised the room to THREE girls for some stupid reason) so hamilton girls are like lauren come on lets go exploring now, one wants to call her mom and have a nervous breakdown and apparently they need me for that cos we’re mates now right?
i say girls i NEED to get a room you have one i don’t and i notice all of a sudden these two girls on the floor with rooms have all of a sudden made up their minds that i am NOT getting one of these rooms and i am about to flip my fucking lid then i fly down the stairs and have a meltdown in front of everyone in the foyer, it was really beautiful, and mr. black (teacher dude who ended up living above my apartment on crawford two years later, funny coincidence) is like ok sit down what’s wrong and i just explode into a bunch of crazy sentences, swear words, and now i am crying DORM ROOM 8 HOUR FLIGHT BANKRUPT TIRED SUITCASE BITCH GIRLS UPSTAIRS etc etc. he gets a list and says your name isn’t on this list you’re not staying here you are staying at the other dorm then i lose it again I JUST WALKED ALL THE WAY HERE FROM THERE COS I WASN’T ON THAT LIST EITHER! so he says ok don’t worry go into my room get a towel put hot water on it relax we will sort this out for you i’m thinking i like all this attention i have never had a freak-out like this in front of strangers before remember this for later so one hamilton friend says lauren put your suitcase in my room for now lets go out to use the phone, they’ll have a room for you when we get back later on.
turns out my cry attack has inspired these chicks to have one of their own, so one calls her mom and lets loose and by now i’ve composed myself, i’m chilled out and looking all around at the street and scene and i am digging it then a sense of foreboding dread comes over me when i realize i am the ringleader to these homesick babies who are happy that they have discovered a new baby for their duo, wrong, i am not a baby, i just wanted a room so that i could boogey on the town and get wasted and disappear. the one on the phone to her mother is even talking about me too no this is wrong stop it! she’s blubbering hysterically and the other girl is hugging her and sobbing as well, it’s all really pathetic she’s saying AND gasp OUR gasp NEW gasp FRIEND gasp DOESN’TEVENHAVEAROOMIHATEITHERE gasp IWANTTOCOMEHOMERIGHTNOW exactly like that.
anyway eventually it all calms down us crowding around this phone booth in front of the dorm i say ok lets go drinking, so we do until curfew, 11, i go up the stairs to the room i am told will be empty by the time i get back, nope, there’s a girl COMPLETELY UNPACKED in it i just leave my suitcase on the floor in the hall and put my hands in the air and stalk off to find a teacher and patiently explain that I DO NOT HAVE A ROOM this is a different teacher too in her nightgown acting really annoyed by me, she gets this big dude the boss of the whole program and he says ok there is one empty room i think over here right next door to the one i left my suitcase in front of, i take it sit down collapse zzz, but not before he says i’ll have to pay for it and i say yeah yeah fine fine i’m fucking BONKERS TIRED and just letting him take advantage of my desperate state (asshole!).
next day this guy approaches me and says you owe us 30 pounds cos this girl left to get a hotel to give YOU a room like this whole thing is my fault i say how is it that i have to pay 30 pounds on top of the thousands of dollars i and my family have paid for this entire program because my name wasn’t on either of your room lists, how is this MY fault? he says ok ok just give me 30 pounds and you’ll get it back at the end of the trip, i wanted him to just go away so i said fine, i gave it to him.
i never got it back.
don’t worry i made up for it in other ways here and there.
that was my first day in england.
this story brings up so many hateful memories i have had half of this post as a draft for the last month.
no i don’t go out dressed like this, i just wear this outfit around the apartment then post pictures of it up on the internet for more people to see. makes sense?
if you haven’t casted your vote yet please go do that!
sober nite day two has been a wild success, i know for you squares reading this you’re like pfffft but you know we have literally not had one sober nite since early december, early as december first even maybe? there were several days scattered in there where it was maybe a tiny glass of wine or a brew, but still it counts, anyway, i plan to be rail thin come summer time, i guess i should give more of a shit about my health as well. funny how drying out thrusts me into a state of sobriety fantasia, what do you do when you aren’t drinking, writing about drinking, watching movies while drinking, being drunk?
basically drinking an entire 2L bottle of gingerale on the couch with fil, eating doritos, guzzling peach ice tea, watching i now pronounce you chuck & larry (WORSTMOVIEEVER) and hot rod (v good v funny).
when i was in the cuckoo ward this old alcy put mrs. dash into a gallon jug of water for flavour and sat in the caf all goddamn day drinking it, i figure i don’t want to end up like that.
