I’m sorry you came here.
Should I do one of those year end posts? Do I even have anything to say to you guys (always) anyway? Did I learn anything worthwhile this year to warrant one of these things? Who even am I anymore and what’s next? There’s lots of pressure on bloggers to deliver, to have all these grand wisdoms (bordering on delusions) about life and lessons and I know I have my Little Raymis who look to me for guidance but when I clam up it’s like eeeeh now what? This year has truly been transitional for me. I’ve learned that people only want to know the dirty gossip, the deets. They like to see heroes fall and they love to talk shit. I’ve learned that I’ve spent the last 12 years of my life as a sort of performance artist and I put myself last way too fucking much. I am a pleaser at heart and I will go the distance for people who don’t deserve it just to see it through if anything comes back to me. It doesn’t. Well, maybe. I made my mark over-sharing and now I am afraid to. Funny that. I find that I am good at it, unraveling my Craymi stories behind the scenes delights my friends, frights them. I had a stressful month, couple, several of them. Lots of bad luck it has been hard keeping my head above water to be honest. Someone almost died and keeping that a secret has been toxic if I said who they’d lose their mind but I hope that was a wake up call. Someone lost their job and that affected everybody, everyone is crabby and in each other’s way drinking a lot to deal what I have learned is when it’s bad, it gets worse and keeping a brave face for the internet throughout has been trying. I feel like everyone goes through some shit it’s just a part of life but when you can’t see the end of the tunnel it does get pretty suffocating and for it all to go down in the winter, ultra challenging. Being stressed out of my mind made my period wicked late. I took three tests, all negz results obvi but yet the paranoia cycle frenzy that goes on in a woman’s head is unstoppable. Plus I’ve been eating like crazy. I figured it was just stress and lots of sadness but each day that passed it was like what’s wrong with me bro? Then I’m all, what had happened was I probably drank away my fertility for sure, for certain. Or I changed women circle cycles, chalked it up to cosmic witchery. The amount of times I cupped my breasts to decipher if they were a) fat girl breasts b) pregnant girl breasts or c) premenstrual breasts is uncountable. Being bloated forever when I am vain as fuck hasn’t been fun either and is at root the control board for all of my moods if I am body unhappy then you best believe I am upset. Plus no one even blasted in me TMI sorry but I’m saying whatever I want from now on this thing so deal anyone who is related to me. I’m tired of being afraid of speaking my mind, very tired. No matter how many bitches (and trust me there’s lots) talk shit about me on Christmas night in a bar I haven’t walked in to in over a year thus successfully destroying a would-be relationship for me. Friends, what I have learned this year is that people want to see your ruination. They love it. And after the year that I’ve had it’s like how dare they. I’m sure I have just as much dirt on these horrid women too but moving on I got my period today so I’m back baby. Kim Kardashian gets knocked up by Kanye, Raymi gets her period. Best day ever.
So, I put my wants and needy needs on the back burner the last little while. Not selflessly, just more so in a resigned fashion and going with the flow. Life is short but you shouldn’t rush things or flee all the time. You should face your demons and this is the difficult part. Acceptance. Accepting that you’ve been doing it wrong and it’s time to stop. The infuriating thing for me is the talk. I actually lead a pretty boring simple life these days IMO so making up lies about me is super hurtful. I don’t do that to people. I forget my own infamy sometimes I see myself as some quiet old man feeding ducks from a bench with Christopher Walken pants hiked up to my tits. I am not that guy. I am Raymi the Minx with an illustrious past and reputation and Toronto is a small-ass town and people like having me out of it. People going out of their way to sabotage me is a bitter pill I’d like not to ever have swallow again. But I will, and that’s that.
If you guys are going to learn anything this year, please for me make it that you drop the ‘s’ from anyway because anyways is not a fucking word. I hate hearing you say it and secretly suffer your stupidity. It’s all I ask for now, 2013 lets do this.