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found this at my dad’s. i first read it at 19 in my first apartment in little italy. that notorious crawford street ghetto. i read this book during a hot hot summer, garbage strike summer. in-between blogging and recovering from hangovers, alone in my room on my low futon in the heat. moving was too much all i could do was lie down and emo-read the bell jar. so i guess i’ll re-read it in a somewhat bizarro world situation point in my life. i’m living with roommates again, kinda a loner a lot.

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i have to keep records of things. time. like my grandmother. i had just moved back from maine after living in brooklyn and england so i wanted to remember where in the world i was when i read whatever book i read and i knew lauren was an insignificant name so i started signing my name as raymi to shit.

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joey gave me this little joey. i am coming to visit you girl.

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wait just a tick there what’s that going on in the background…?

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awesome.

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givin’er on cindy’s ride.

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jesus we’re trying to be wholesome up here right now.

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you know your life’s on full throttle when you run out of every staple all at once and i forgot the one most important thing, conditioner. i’m holding off on that til tomorrow i’m getting a de-brass discount thank christ that stuff is 33 bones a bottle.

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more like lucas’ can i have three dollars jar.

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oh my god seriously now!!!?

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can you guys get over it i’m pretty sure these dudes have the best life ever.

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maybe i’ll go out and pick one up.

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gratuitous. you are like 3 seconds old.

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cruisin’ gear.

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stir crazy lets get the f out of here.

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second americano. double. guy at blondie’s was all do you work at the coffeeshop down the street? um no but if i did why would i come to get coffee elsewhere? we’re building a rapoire. sometimes i see ben in there too. did i have a nickname for ben? he was in that band i pretended to care about to be nice (plugged here)(but they’re actually super good) that i introduced at their gig at the silver dollar (there’s a video of it in fact i have an entire reel of shots and shit show things from that nite with casie and it was her birthday oh my god i feel like a door was just opened in my brain from one blackout onto another. that time was kinda insane for me) anyway ben, um no nickname. didn’t bone just hung for a couple weeks there til we got bored of each other. we’re two ernies. two ernies cannot be together. you need a bert and an ernie. a bert that slightly borders on ernie and i think he’s into cougs. speaking of (berts), dimples guy, suitor number one from the dating site said on our first date that he was a bit of a control freak and that gave me wood. what can i say i need to be tamed.

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and here’s the place where my first mushroom trip kicked in one halloween weekend eight years ago. yuula went to get smokes, craig said something funny we were all in costumes walking north on cowan and i started to laugh and couldn’t stop. that feeling will never be replicated it was so fucking hysterical. this night i notoriously ruined everyone’s high for losing this massive hash/weed blunt. here’s a tip next time do not give the blunt to the girl dressed in army gear with 400 pockets. my high wasn’t ruined i was just fine. capped the nght off talking to a cat after watching gummo. mushrooms and gummo i dare you to try it. also that blunt wasn’t lost we found it a month later in one of my pockets hanging up on my door when noel was in thailand then craig and i got super ripped and walked to parkdale. we left a voicemail for noel even though we knew he was in thailand we were so pleased and amazed about finding the blunt.

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what a nice little surprise.

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i think we’re going to get along just fine.

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i miss being taken to plays. HINT. HINT EXPLOS!ON!!

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rhonda’s horoscope told her to give in to creativity yesterday or something i pretended to believe but anyway it worked cos i texted her to play hooky and she was feeling insane and sick sort of. she can’t remember which horoscope site though.

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her first time being wined and dined at the rhine. i swear to god if they steal that catchphrase i will be super pleased. ahha bet you thought i was going to say something bitchy there for a second. PSYCHE!

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either my face is getting fatter or i am losing it posewise.

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what a lady. too bad she has a mouth on her like a garbage truck.

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better.

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i wanted to sprint after this truck and hug it.

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clean and tidy.

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full on dirthole.

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i always feel like i am the most generous person in the world when i indulge vegetarians. FINE i’ll share that bland piece of boring crap with you YOU’RE WELCOME. this was really good though.

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pit stop at beaver for coffee three. i did not have a cupcake.

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and then these guys. sophie in the striped shirt was like i met you at red light. i was all you don’t say how long ago was this and how drunk was i? it was when i was there with the red flag in the beginning stages of that off and on again thing so i was on best behaviour and tunnel vision. i am not that much of a lush when i forget if i met you i just meet sooo many people all the time it’s hard to remember everything on the spot but eventually it comes back to me.

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polite getting to know you photos at the beginning of the night are so terrible and awkward and boring SO boring to look at and this is what everyone on facebook floods their albums with. squares. boring. yes please tag me sitting on the couch at a shower i am hung as fuck and bored as hell at.

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david hasselhoff legs sorry if you don’t see my bipolar vision. rena is a babe. we’re wearing the same grimey shoes.

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why am i hooking her arm like that. i do not know.

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cue dance party. chick in background was wearing shades and danced into me and a table in the darkest part of the bar (by the stage) then later on she took off shades and i noticed she had two shiners. ouch girl.

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a tutorial in dancing ghetto.

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and that would be dance face.

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spazztastic.

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meanwhile over here look what i did. i count every head as five dollars (round down) and multiply for every fifth or sixth song when dance party begins hahahaahaha. SECRET TO SUCCESS RIGHT HERE.

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AND RIGHT HERE! i did a cheerleader high kick this is my leg coming down.

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i think i might be practicing my dimples too i made the mistake of smiling at myself in the mirror at one point yesterday and made my slight left cheek dimple appear so then i was conscious of it all day.

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oh fuck here we go.

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looks worse than it actually is? best combo: limber and hyper.

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oh hi.

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waiting foreverrrrrrrr.

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love this floor. LOVE IT.

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note to self.

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i texted meredith I’M HOME SAFE YOU STUPID STUPID BITCH AND YOU BETTER BE TOO.

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thanks nicole for sneaking in that you JUST turned 19 irl. you brang it. she put me on the g list at the kasbah when i lived in burlington 5 times in a row and i never showed once. I AM NOT A MIND READER I DON’T HAVE ESPN OK.

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i am so bloated right now ugh. period touches down any time thank you.

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pretty sure this held up our order. but if it actually was my poutineless poutine i’m P-O’d!

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date that millionaire at least once mer come on i don’t take you out to fancy events for you not to slam one out of the park for us christ sake you get one more chance then i’m breaking up with you.

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ok thursday lets do this.

+++

hi raymi…

its been awhile since i’ve emailed/commented; its not that i dont have anything to say, but the last few months i have been speaking alot less and listening/observing alot more (twitter has been my only outlet, really). “Internalizing” or some shit like that maybe? anyway, the recent “slowest moving trainwreck” comment stuck with me for some reason and ive been thinking about it..

i know this shit just rolls off your back, but i couldnt help but be offended by it…since my dad died i have been re evaluating what life means to me, and what it means to others, and his suicide has sort of shown me who really gets (or atleast has some sort of idea) what this place is all about and what really matters in life. you are one of those people who gets it. and as of late, to me it seems like you are in a better place emotionally than you have been in a long time…you look fantastic (the blonde is killer on you BTW) and you have all these opportunities and things happening and yet are still the same sweet girl you have always been. no change there!

so for some jerkoff to say that, it kind of makes me wonder WTF?! i know there will always be haters etc but where does this trainwreck thing come in? and besides, can dude atleast get trainwreck-specific? like lindsay lohan trainwreck or like britney spears shave-your-head-and-attack-people-with-umbrellas trainwreck?! sheesh.

anyway, that douchebaggery bugged me enough to want to send an email…i want to comment again on the site but its almost like i have some sort of online shyness haha weird i know…i never used to be a lurker. huh.

you bring a smile to my face on regular occasion, which is pretty rare for me these days. keep on doing what makes you happy, man.

as for me….im okay, just learning to work through this. lame cliche but one day at a time really is how its done.

xoxoxo

i am adding this to my post. breathtaking. thanks for sticking up for me in this email. ill make a long raymi tangent about it in another post. i do hope you’re getting better. sigh.

i found the trainwreck comment in the national post thread it was left awhile ago though i only just discovered it yesterday. it’s hard to keep track of every thread you’re slagged in. whatever. ive been thinking about it since i read it and turning it over and over. who knows how i get received at least i get received? my come back was at least i was a train what the fuck were you ever? nothing.