Would you prefer to be who you are going to be or who you use to be?

Like, did you have a glow-down and now you reflect on pictures of your former youthful, vibrant self, and wish for that again or do you lock in (gotta stop saying that) double down and glow the fuck up?

My body isn’t perfect yet but it’s not bad. Nitpicking over it is stupid when the majority do not care, it’s the insipid internet trollish losers who attack confident women online. Yesterday one guy from Regina and also from a sober group I am in on facebook thusly should know better bcos ex-drinkers are suppose to be all kumbaya with each other but anyway he put a laugh emoji under the pic I posted yesterday so I ofc wanted to know why. I messaged him and asked why he put a laugh emoji and he said Why spred out like that …looks fucked up and obviously I snapped and at that same time he left a comment on my post saying I was a barrel with chicken legs on it LOL — I went nuclear. AND as it so happens also at the same time facebook decided there was sus activity on my account and had to make sure I was me tf so I couldn’t reply to any messages which are always blowing up. I reported him and said go fuckin relapse u trashbag.

He had effectively highlighted and diagnosed a major body insecurity of mine and was it the most flattering picture to showcase of what I consider (for me at least) to be progress? maybe not but fuck man, he got me good. Then my mind went down a rabbit hole of self consciousness meanwhile I’m receiving likes and supportive comments pumping my ego and yet this motherfucker has the gall to try to make me feel small. So I go and look at his profile, he’s not ugly but he’s sure as hell a bored Saskatchewan hick who does renos of some sort using only one selfie picture that’s black and white. super sus. can tell makes a habit of trolling women on Facebook as a hobby.

Motivated more than ever. I am setting a goal of losing 10lbs. Locking in. 213 days no alcohol.

this reveals a weakness and an achievement at the same time. trolls do not like when you are winning and they take every opportunity they can to attack insecurities. I could post an even more toned picture with the same caption and he would have said something to take me down.

In the past I posted topless pictures here often and looking back some very unflattering unfit pictures that I would never post today.

Haters are my motivators in the words of canceled Ellen Degenerate who no doubt stole it from someone else. We’re not suppose to feed the trolls but I gotta a little bit. I am addicted to fighting in only to right wrongs but ultimately it is a massive waste of time but sometimes you can change the mind of a cretin pos woman-hating incel but mostly no you can’t. I hope anyone afflicted with manosphere brainwashed sons does the right thing asap.

I love this place. I’ll go back to doing blog posts like these with pictures of my adventures not just selfies combined with my long diatribes of all my insistent opinions.

kk gotta decide what trouble to get in today it’s so hot. lemme know if u wanna bully some targeted harassment to this troll’s way I will oblige it.

Also I do some light-sponsoring now and had a call with a friend in some need of Raymi advice yesterday, I’ll leave with you now. I told him:

MEPS Mentally Emotionally Physically Spiritually ask yourself that thru out the day

Youre not fixed yet

He made it thru yesterday without drinking and now will make it thru today too and I am proud of that for him it takes someone to set you straight sometimes to yank you out of your addictive cycle it can be very scary and hard to stop when you are in it. My heart goes out to all the addicts suffering out there.

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Hey what’s good I feel lost right now maybe I will find myself writing on my blog — feel like I’ve reached the ceiling today posting fb memories and getting lost in the abyss of twitter (X, whatever) notifications holy hell being niche twitter famous is an investment in time management of which I have none but anyway it’s interesting trying to cover all bases with a variety of nature videos selfies memes garbage reality tv hashtag opinions (specifically Euphoria, Below Deck, and whatever else I am bingeing quickly and instantly forgetting all about) reply guys blue jays food pics dog videos cats walks and then talking to my weirdo friends from the internet and irl, what a privilege it is to be me.

I am “finding myself” here now as well because I am actively avoiding doing something that I have long since put off all month or so and now it’s D day week to get’er done so I am pro-crastibating with the blog post but it’s okay I got a loose system in place here there’s pieces in motion ahah okay stoner mystery speak just shut up. I will let you know when I am ready I am trying to minimize damage always it’s like, a must, with the big mouth that I got and the stupid crap that I do plus no filter. I am flooded with that feeling of dread like it’s the night before your essay is due that you did fuck all all month long for. I carry that feeling almost daily lol.

I’ve just gotta book some flights and hotels and co-ordinate all that together and like use my brain and focus two things that I do not at all enjoy doing in the slightest you know that song I just want to bang on my drum all day, that’s the quintessential definition of my belief systems + life practices essentially, if I don’t do the opposite of “locking-in” I will basically crash out. Which sucks but I don’t make the rules I can only follow them and so normally my buddy would be holding my hand throughout all of this and guiding me but he is dead now so it’s ironic that I have to adult-it solo-mish in order to make it to his celebration of life this weekend and I am taking my brother because I don’t want to go alone and we know my mom is gonna flip out so I didn’t want to say what it is that I am panicking over because I don’t want to deal with that hassle – I suffer enough from travel anxiety as is.

See how much OCD people/anxious people torture themselves? It’s very real. Talking about it helps alleviate it. I saw that Deena and Vinny on Jersey Shore (which I am bingeing right now I can’t believe I didn’t already mention it above they are dominating my parasocial circle at the moment) suffer from what I suffer too: anxiety & OCD and lately I’ve been thinking I am AUDHD so when I see my shrink later this month I will be hard-launching the rest of my neuro-spiciness onto her see how that goes. Trying to get as many diagnoses over here and break some records jkjk.

When I die (knock on wood) I think that my brain should definitely be studied for science and if only there was a way they could later on tell me about it like how Walt Disney is waiting around for them to cure dying. lol aw I get it. If I were Walt Disney I would totally want to stick around.

I spoke with a few friends yesterday and Mel was over (i’m in the country right now he’s a buddy from town friend of bf’s and mine) and I fielded a few calls from various people after a few on auto-pilot I hung up and said and now that is how I get thru my day lol I am like a prisoner trapped in this cog of wheels that do not stop turning in my head it’s kind of exhausting but I am used to it by now when I have a moment of pause to reflect a wave of fatigue tries to settle and it’s like I could either sleep for a hundred years OR I could get up and do infinity fucking arm curls right now LFG then I’ll try to see how long I have been sitting hunched over for and if I need to pee so I’ll get up. I remember as a kid not being able to sleep at night and now I know why. I mean, I would lay awake thinking about all kinds of shit knowing everyone was sleeping I didn’t recognize this as racing thoughts dressed up as insomnia. It’s brutal. I can’t even sleep with my boyfriend. People who can fall asleep while I am on edge alert from the quiet tick of a clock and the hum of a fridge. I can identify every little noise in your house but then other times I am kinda deaf. Next post we can discuss my declining memory. Oof.

Okay is any of this neurotic bullshit even interesting I dunno just please don’t tell my mom yet until I talk to my brother and book my flights okay this is your test if you rat me out you’re banished from the Raymi fan club, I’m revoking your special ring.

See ya later haters!

Update: flights booked $1484. Hotels next.

Jules and I over a decade ago. She just got married sorry.

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I have this rule that I seldom remember but I am trying and it is to blog when I am crashing out hard on various social media platforms as in INSTEAD of pissing people off over there draw them here to RTM.com if they want more raymi doses of crazy and while I’m at it, it is so sad that I am unlearning shit I use to strongly preach “if my blog needs a blog kill me” as in twitter and facebook FUCK I am trying so bad to bring it back to basics.

Take this drawing for example. Don’t just AI it. Don’t google it. Learn a new font and create it yourself.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS. Try it. If you’re spiraling out, write. I remember writing this when I was furious not gonna say at whom but now looking back at these it appears to be a positive thing instead of screaming into the void aka more rageahol pointless texts and now we have these to look at. Maybe I should apply them to reality. I was feeling attacked and guilty for doing whatever necessary to be happy to be me to fucking exist I dunno.

These are the equivalent of sticky notes people put on their bathroom mirrors and read while brushing their teeth to get motivated for the day to CRUSH IT. It’s cute when you read one of these pump you up sayings you’re like DAMN STRAIGHT I WILL PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK FOR THAT MINOR THING I WAS PROCRASTINATING ON. One of my favourite in-recovery things we are taught (also while struggling in active addiction) is to give ourselves grace and be gentle with ourselves. Never been taught that before normally we just accept that we are pieces of shit who made bad decisions. Turns out, you’re allowed to flip the script and be a buddy to yourself, check in, not out!

This one speaks for itself. I try to write out things I find to be a little more original so that it’s out there that my brain thought of it first. I’ve come up with lots of firsts of course but that’s enough bragging for today. Back to blasting Peter Gabriel now to get thru this crappy rainy weather xoxo your pal rlw.

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