Hello hello. As promised and delivered my fancy night on Saturday. Make sure your socks have suspenders because they might get blown off by this post you never really know what crazy shit will come out of me.

Or the imagery! I apologize that this isn’t a picture of both of my hands but then who would hold the phone to take the picture? Trust me I have considered hiring someone to drop in and take a bath picture of both my hands. You think up all kinds of awesome shit in the bath it’s the best place to think which has the least pens.

Sidenote, hung out with my literary bruh yesterday, read him a ton of raymi shit and he’s motivated to start pushing me again I mean not to brag or anything but this writing you’re reading is really good.

If only there was more time and motivation and like a monkey helper to just do it all for me. So tired.

I feel like I will have a book soon though.

My literary agent is ten times more lazy than I am. We last left it at talking publishers ok nevermind. My buddy (different guy) is going to turn his blog into a book, it’s all time we did that.

In true Raymi fashion I was spinning him yarn after yarn yesterday and he said, have you written about this before? Why not? What’s so cringey about it? I mean I think I’ve done all these crazy fun things in life just so I could write about them eventually anyway.

In about a month I’ll be able to focus and map that out more. Am moving. Also new gig starts up next week.

Here I was gonna talk about my date and then I went back to Capital Me. Oops.

Had pho Friday. With extra veg and meat. I always manage to weasel the best bowl (a small), and never have to pay for the extras. Meanwhile the guy always gets the large, doesnt finish and it has more noodles and less meat veg or just as much as my small. Second time this has happened now.

I am probably part witch. Not evil but just very good at getting my way. Don’t worry, lots of bad luck shit happens to me too no one is that blessed.

Bag of green. No more cheating. Had chinese yesterday. Idiot. Every little thing counts at this point. I’m one of those gains 5lbs from thinking about salt body types. Luckily I am stressed out of my mind and generally unhappy which keeps the weight off.

My hair is very red today. I added some red to my conditioner yesterday (a trick and tip to keeping your red) also my girl at shoppers said the more red you add to your red makes it more red. The red build. I see. I see. Lots of cold showers too of course ugh.

and hot baths don’t forget.

Winter is boring so a lot of exercising happens. Diet as well as exercise and you will get results. It’s a no-brainer and it’s not starving it’s just reduction of nutrition (aka “food”) coupled by willpower and spiderman climbers. Dating a volleyball player (on the side of his real job) has perks. Though it can be annoying when you’re already huffing and puffing and you get corrected on shit you have no extra energy for and want to be in your own zone, then we get in an argument about it. That’s what trainers are like though, they motivate by irritating you and it’s not a good session unless you want to launch them into outerfuckingspace.

Speaking of, my old gym and trainers wanted me back in there to help me get fit for my new thing but I did it all myself. I figure, once I am commuting into town more often it will be more convenient to do both. Living out here and coming in to train and then to what, get into trouble in Toronto? Becasue I most certainly will. So if decided that I still need to slim down (prepared if that’s the case) then I’ll go train at TMR again. I prob will anyway. I know the commuting alone makes me lose weight. Seriously. Anyone who is a lazy shut-in blogger knows that when you schedule appts and go out into the world leaving your precious cave at home, you’re gonna lose four pounds that day. Well at least that’s what seems to happen to me then I’m like I did all that running around I should probably reward myself with a bowl of pesto pasta mmm.

I am always fantasizing about pesto and maybe one day eating it. If you play mental food games with yourself it can help you deal with all the restrictions.

Glad we went to Pepperwood instead of the Keg. The Keg on a Saturday is like walking into a zoo of annoying suburban elitist families frowning in the waiting area because they don’t take reservations on Saturdays it’s a first come first serve basis. No thanks! Also it’s douchey, wasn’t in the mood for that kind of douchey. I live near Pepperwood it’s just so much easier. The girl playing live music was good too. Normally when I see the musician come out I’m like oh great here we go but then she was mellow and played (current) songs I knew. Some soloists make it all about them and have whiney ballads. I know Boylord would be a super annoying dinner band because I am just, really annoying.

All I wanted on Valentine’s Day was to wear this stupid little thing I bought and have a photo of it in my instagram feed like I won Valentine’s Day. I wore it a weekend later instead. Oh well. On V Day we hibernated. Yes Valentine’s Day is a dumb tradition that’s turned into competing with other chicks and like no romance. It was basically like go to shoppers and take out a shelf of crap then give it to me so I can ignore you for an hour instagramming this pile of shit while we eat chocolate. Cool.

I had the beef tenderloin and finger me potatoes. I didn’t eat any of them though. The tenderloin was Raymazing.

I bought these in Holland. Love them.

Slimming down makes your bigger underwear, funderwear. Like yay it’s fun that I can remember when these gigantic things were skin tight on me lol.

Not the best lighting in there.

I don’t know why I bother censoring it. I guess if it was my intention to instagram it where someone always flags me. I also recall when I was able to change the size of these stickers but something seems to have changed. Catwang is still cool about that though.

Winter whining forever.

We finished watching Banshee. New episode on Thursday so no we haven’t finished it exactly but you know what I mean.

I just thought about all the laundry I should be doing today.

Tried to get it all in. Next time I’ll take off my shoe and rest it on the counter. I can’t find that specific picture right now though it’s the guy with his Timberland boot on the bathroom sink so you can see his whole outfit bahahha. Or I can do an extreme selfie.

Fuck ya.

A woman gave me stink eye for using my flash to take a pic of my beef tenderloin. Bet yer ass I gave her “the look” right on back. We stared at each other uncomfortably for 5 solid seconds while I squinted my eyes but I broke the look first to go back to my date. I almost asked CAN I HELP YOU? I did look back again at her and she was looking again while talking about me to her date. YES it’s “rude” to use a flash but it’s not that big a deal. You do have the capacity to ignore our table. We’re fine-dining and we are photographing it for the internet. We bought it, we commemorate it you can take your foodie rules and shove them up your ass. Why are you sitting in the bar area where there’s more action if you want no flashes going off then?

I’m not fully inconsiderate though. I will make a point to not use the flash the majority of the time as a courtesy gesture but again, when I go places if I want to take pictures then I will. No one in this life has to concern themselves with what others are up to. If you’re so offended by everything why are you even going out? Women give me dirty looks all the time no matter what I’m doing so I don’t care anymore. I have a present for you it’s called YOLO.

We’re lightweights, it doesn’t take much to get us going. I think after our first sip we laughed for ten minutes about absolutely nothing. A facial expression can set us off. Or an accidental lips whistle, oh god don’t get me started ahhahaa.

Shared mussels. Goooood and garlicy.

What’s going to happen when I have really long red mermaid hair like Cousin It.

His.

Saw my mom Sunday night for the Oscars and more booze cheating went down as it does. I’m her date tomorrow for some comedy thing she’s working. Will have to see if bf wants to go to that bet he won’t. I don’t think he wants to meet her haha. He didn’t meet her the first time around that we dated somehow managed to skillfully avoid it.

When she gave me these I was like what moron bought them for you. There is no chance she’d just go out and get me underwear for valentines day yeah right but anyway she’s like this is so a Raymi thing but even I feel too old to wear tights like that more of a Hailey thing.

I dyed Nana’s hair. She’s going away for 5 weeks. Happy to help. Having roots on vacation is the worst.

You can see the butt tan line.

There is NOTHING WRONG with nudity fyi. I’ve been a nudist (more or less) for many years and if it makes you uncomfortable, don’t look. Don’t actively look just to feel like shit. Some are inspired by me, by this. I am just saying either way being nude is nothing foreign to me so stop bashing me for it you’re wasting your time and energy.

Maybe my body is being accepted because I am accepting of my body. Showing it. I have dignity, a lot in fact.

I was actually afraid and expecting a huge family rift over it and it was secretly stressing me out big time and depressing me knowing I’d have to just fight for it and exhausted in advance about it. I’m happy that won’t be the case.

Was also refered to as a transvestite. Um, transvestites are beautiful, sometimes more feminine than actual females. The dig is meant to make me feel bad about having androgynous features and spoken by a desperate housewife. I guess I should get used to slags from jealous women. You think I’d be used to it by now. It only sucks that to move forward and live your destiny you have to go through so much garbage.

I am tired of being people’s punching bags who have sexual issues and are made uncomfortable by sex or by other women being comfortable being sexual or sexy.

I built my brand around sex because I am sexy. I didn’t craft this persona, it happened naturally on its own because I embody the passion necessary to live and breathe sensuality daily. This is how I am.

Okay it’s Sweaty Mercury time.

Peace.

The post romantic ding dongs appeared first on Raymi the Minx.

Long hair!

Ok here is some of my material, ready? SO WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH CRAZY GIRLS, RIGHT? (long pause, nod) And, Baths? I elaborate and then talk about having a bath earlier even though my ride was arriving in ten minutes, I filled up the entire fucking tub even and got right in. and I wrote some of these jokes. Is it that I am crazy, or just a giant asshole? That last line is an elaboration, I didn’t say that but I am using this blog post as a working fine-tuning of my craft here. And everything got laughs because I am a comedic genius.

I am giving my face a lot of love. I noticed that I don’t have any crow’s feet whatsoever. Bah-urn.

How could you not be watching this fucking show!? That is Michael Madsen as Geppeto and an adultress of a famous footballer for 8 years, with her brother in law, whom was the footballer and Madsen has a massive boner for her and talks about her obsessively. Celebrity Big Brother is on all the time too, is easy to wait for, they throw the episodes up on watch series (.eu) and I choose these people over real life easily hands down and now we even watch bit on the side, uk trainwreck show after each episode, they talk so much shit it’s cruel and you can’t look away and they are DEFINITELY guaranteed wasted immaculate. It’s so sad and glorious, the playboy twins are in it too. We are going to force an episode on my dad today hmm which one?? Madsen is SO Duncan it’s great, total genius too. I didn’t get to the part in my material where I talk about big brother meh. If you run out of material that’s a bad thing.

Frosted. What a good fraulein

Half liter beer glasses from the most famous beer hall in the world, don’t Munchen it. In Germany. These are the smallest sized glass too haha. This is not stand-up material you will know when you are reading standup because you will START LAUGHING.

A guy beside me at the sinks was wearing a Fred Perry shirt as well (cream sweater) as I was shivering beneath my cape hugging myself in my FP shirt I was thinking about if there wasn’t an uncouth way at all to flip it off and be like HEY LOOK YOU CAN VALIDATE ME IT’S ALRIGHT and point to my left chestbone, we would high five and tra-la go hit the town but he was gaysian (not feelin’ it) and I put myself on shut-upskies at the moment. Actually no, we were discussing cold water vs hot and then I brought it to global warming in politics and couldn’t take it any further.

Ok more material.

SO, i’M ON A NEW SHOW CALLED MTV CREEPS NEXT WEEK. Tuesday (Jan 17) and I AM PRETTY SURE they’re going to make me look FUCKING RETARDED. Then I said other funny shit I can’t remember because my heart was racing and I was bathed in red, in a pink dress. I cleared up some drama about Evan ripping on me cos apparently I’m not abreast of the concept of heckling but I thought I was helping. He has dogged me on the mic before at the central where I bartended and there was a weekly comedy show. I felt he might feel threatened by my shit and he didn’t want to go up before me. I felt I did pretty good and I’ve heard rumours and speak about it actually that I was AMAZING. But I was a bit polluted, intentionally so, it’s a bit hazy. Thankfully I have my notes.

Then I said I didn’t think many would come tonight cos I’m not taking my clothes off. PAUSE. 9021-NO. (As if that was answering my non-strippy question). I really enjoyed doing this and am definitely doing it again soon. Anyway, after 9021no I nodded (oh people “got” it too thank god), one guy standing in the front just stood staring and smiling and laughing at everything, someone else yelled out I JUST FELL IN LOVE. Then I made fun of Sarah Silverman, like come on guys I’m the only girl comic up here tonight, oh we’re not as funny, like s. silverman, then I walked a step to the side kicked the air and blew a fart into the mic. It was quite effective. They laughed!

So, why do all guy comedians dress like slobs like you’re crashing on your friend’s couch. permanently? Oh that’s cos you are. They all looked around at each other’s outfits and became self conscious. Shawing! The girls were loving me.

Look at my eye ball ew!

So, I’m like a famous blogger or something, I know I am coming across all pathetic and stuff but I am actually funny I just write in online and I’m famous because I am like the bad girl of blogging, the blacksheep if you will but anyway I prefer the internet I think because I can control more people in a shorter period of time that way.

I can’t remember if I was wearing my nerd glasses or not though.

Here is a joke that tanked, SO I’VE PRETTY MUCH DONE IT ALL I’VE DONE A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING AND A LOT OF NOTHING. But I Got it backward and it had nothing contextual about it. Mleh.

I guess eating pizza and living like a frat boy smoking weed all day long isn’t a skill. That may be so, but it sure is marketable in the form of crapoblogtainment.

There was a brief (long) period when I did not smoke weed and that is the time I call THE FIVE YEARS THAT I DRANK. (this got me a lot of laughs, it was a rush). I’LL SHOW YOU RAYMI WINEHOUSE. (More laughs!)

I like to think that I’m a lot funnier now thanks to weed. When I drank, I was still funny I was angry, mean-funny. And now I am just, like, retarded funny. Which is funnier, I think. *Let it be known that I was doing ridiculous faces throughout, flashing teeth and scrunching up my face like Gilbert Godfrey because I was still a mess from crying, my makeup was fixed and good, I had cry voice that morphed into several of my voices, that I made a joke about lispth-ing when I drink and I talk like a jewy valley girl which is the total opposite image I try to project the other half of the time of my life (day) where I am not drinking, which is a tomboy kind of approach then I lunged menacingly like a tomboy from Mississauga, the hood rat delusional gangsta’s paradise of our dude friends wears off on some of us, but no one bought that I wasn’t feminine so I think the joke tanked or who cares. It was basically one giant monologue.

Ok more material:

I got more done back then (when I wasn’t smoking weed) but now I get to do less cos I’m more famous, I mean, hotter and That is a thing I like to call BEAUTY CURRENCY but do not ask an ugly chick what that means, because she will not know. (BIG LAUGHS HERE). Shock and outrage. It was the best. This is when the guy yelled out he fell in love.

Bering censored is outraging me so I’m going to crank up the offensiveness on my blog. Ban my videos, deleted my photo, the one above, from twitpic. Fine. I’ll put all the shit here from now on.

And I definitely want fake tits now thanks to a speech one of the playmate twins made about how men’s penises are their manhoods and our tits, the one major difference, physically, from our genders is our rack. So I deserve my godgiven birthright of experiencing tits holy shit right? Done. Now how much do they cost?

Seeing how all the men react to the woman, all with big fake tits on celebrity big brother has finalized it for me.

More material:

Do you ever just, stare at people? like, secretly? kay well I was staring at this guy at my salon today and then I pretended i wasn’t but, I was? I know. pause. smirk (all getting laughs here btw) and then i saw a girl staring at me in the mirror when I was taking a picture of my basketcase crazy girl shit on the floor and in an instant I saw her, judgement of me. And then I was like, this is going to be the highlight of my week. LAUGHS.

Then I spoke about how I met the host at the central and how I am “being groomed” for stripping comedy essentially cos he does a show at a swinger’s bar haha but this is my first time ever doing this before so thank you very much you’ve been great.

Classy girl out!

The post This is what I see Everybody stops and starin’ at me appeared first on Raymi the Minx.