Long hair!

Ok here is some of my material, ready? SO WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH CRAZY GIRLS, RIGHT? (long pause, nod) And, Baths? I elaborate and then talk about having a bath earlier even though my ride was arriving in ten minutes, I filled up the entire fucking tub even and got right in. and I wrote some of these jokes. Is it that I am crazy, or just a giant asshole? That last line is an elaboration, I didn’t say that but I am using this blog post as a working fine-tuning of my craft here. And everything got laughs because I am a comedic genius.

I am giving my face a lot of love. I noticed that I don’t have any crow’s feet whatsoever. Bah-urn.

How could you not be watching this fucking show!? That is Michael Madsen as Geppeto and an adultress of a famous footballer for 8 years, with her brother in law, whom was the footballer and Madsen has a massive boner for her and talks about her obsessively. Celebrity Big Brother is on all the time too, is easy to wait for, they throw the episodes up on watch series (.eu) and I choose these people over real life easily hands down and now we even watch bit on the side, uk trainwreck show after each episode, they talk so much shit it’s cruel and you can’t look away and they are DEFINITELY guaranteed wasted immaculate. It’s so sad and glorious, the playboy twins are in it too. We are going to force an episode on my dad today hmm which one?? Madsen is SO Duncan it’s great, total genius too. I didn’t get to the part in my material where I talk about big brother meh. If you run out of material that’s a bad thing.

Frosted. What a good fraulein

Half liter beer glasses from the most famous beer hall in the world, don’t Munchen it. In Germany. These are the smallest sized glass too haha. This is not stand-up material you will know when you are reading standup because you will START LAUGHING.

A guy beside me at the sinks was wearing a Fred Perry shirt as well (cream sweater) as I was shivering beneath my cape hugging myself in my FP shirt I was thinking about if there wasn’t an uncouth way at all to flip it off and be like HEY LOOK YOU CAN VALIDATE ME IT’S ALRIGHT and point to my left chestbone, we would high five and tra-la go hit the town but he was gaysian (not feelin’ it) and I put myself on shut-upskies at the moment. Actually no, we were discussing cold water vs hot and then I brought it to global warming in politics and couldn’t take it any further.

Ok more material.

SO, i’M ON A NEW SHOW CALLED MTV CREEPS NEXT WEEK. Tuesday (Jan 17) and I AM PRETTY SURE they’re going to make me look FUCKING RETARDED. Then I said other funny shit I can’t remember because my heart was racing and I was bathed in red, in a pink dress. I cleared up some drama about Evan ripping on me cos apparently I’m not abreast of the concept of heckling but I thought I was helping. He has dogged me on the mic before at the central where I bartended and there was a weekly comedy show. I felt he might feel threatened by my shit and he didn’t want to go up before me. I felt I did pretty good and I’ve heard rumours and speak about it actually that I was AMAZING. But I was a bit polluted, intentionally so, it’s a bit hazy. Thankfully I have my notes.

Then I said I didn’t think many would come tonight cos I’m not taking my clothes off. PAUSE. 9021-NO. (As if that was answering my non-strippy question). I really enjoyed doing this and am definitely doing it again soon. Anyway, after 9021no I nodded (oh people “got” it too thank god), one guy standing in the front just stood staring and smiling and laughing at everything, someone else yelled out I JUST FELL IN LOVE. Then I made fun of Sarah Silverman, like come on guys I’m the only girl comic up here tonight, oh we’re not as funny, like s. silverman, then I walked a step to the side kicked the air and blew a fart into the mic. It was quite effective. They laughed!

So, why do all guy comedians dress like slobs like you’re crashing on your friend’s couch. permanently? Oh that’s cos you are. They all looked around at each other’s outfits and became self conscious. Shawing! The girls were loving me.

Look at my eye ball ew!

So, I’m like a famous blogger or something, I know I am coming across all pathetic and stuff but I am actually funny I just write in online and I’m famous because I am like the bad girl of blogging, the blacksheep if you will but anyway I prefer the internet I think because I can control more people in a shorter period of time that way.

I can’t remember if I was wearing my nerd glasses or not though.

Here is a joke that tanked, SO I’VE PRETTY MUCH DONE IT ALL I’VE DONE A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING AND A LOT OF NOTHING. But I Got it backward and it had nothing contextual about it. Mleh.

I guess eating pizza and living like a frat boy smoking weed all day long isn’t a skill. That may be so, but it sure is marketable in the form of crapoblogtainment.

There was a brief (long) period when I did not smoke weed and that is the time I call THE FIVE YEARS THAT I DRANK. (this got me a lot of laughs, it was a rush). I’LL SHOW YOU RAYMI WINEHOUSE. (More laughs!)

I like to think that I’m a lot funnier now thanks to weed. When I drank, I was still funny I was angry, mean-funny. And now I am just, like, retarded funny. Which is funnier, I think. *Let it be known that I was doing ridiculous faces throughout, flashing teeth and scrunching up my face like Gilbert Godfrey because I was still a mess from crying, my makeup was fixed and good, I had cry voice that morphed into several of my voices, that I made a joke about lispth-ing when I drink and I talk like a jewy valley girl which is the total opposite image I try to project the other half of the time of my life (day) where I am not drinking, which is a tomboy kind of approach then I lunged menacingly like a tomboy from Mississauga, the hood rat delusional gangsta’s paradise of our dude friends wears off on some of us, but no one bought that I wasn’t feminine so I think the joke tanked or who cares. It was basically one giant monologue.

Ok more material:

I got more done back then (when I wasn’t smoking weed) but now I get to do less cos I’m more famous, I mean, hotter and That is a thing I like to call BEAUTY CURRENCY but do not ask an ugly chick what that means, because she will not know. (BIG LAUGHS HERE). Shock and outrage. It was the best. This is when the guy yelled out he fell in love.

Bering censored is outraging me so I’m going to crank up the offensiveness on my blog. Ban my videos, deleted my photo, the one above, from twitpic. Fine. I’ll put all the shit here from now on.

And I definitely want fake tits now thanks to a speech one of the playmate twins made about how men’s penises are their manhoods and our tits, the one major difference, physically, from our genders is our rack. So I deserve my godgiven birthright of experiencing tits holy shit right? Done. Now how much do they cost?

Seeing how all the men react to the woman, all with big fake tits on celebrity big brother has finalized it for me.

More material:

Do you ever just, stare at people? like, secretly? kay well I was staring at this guy at my salon today and then I pretended i wasn’t but, I was? I know. pause. smirk (all getting laughs here btw) and then i saw a girl staring at me in the mirror when I was taking a picture of my basketcase crazy girl shit on the floor and in an instant I saw her, judgement of me. And then I was like, this is going to be the highlight of my week. LAUGHS.

Then I spoke about how I met the host at the central and how I am “being groomed” for stripping comedy essentially cos he does a show at a swinger’s bar haha but this is my first time ever doing this before so thank you very much you’ve been great.

Classy girl out!

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