Ha ha ya right like that is even possible for this guy but I find that awareness is key of any shitty thing you’re up to, call yourself on it. That’s the only way you can make change because you turn a blind eye and the who world goes blind wtf was that saying again? It’s all water under the fridge just gettin’ two birds stoned at once here.

Speaking of blind, I also wonder if that blind person is still reading my blog. I made a blind joke once upon a time in my Raymi fashion which is like borderline gaslight politically incorrect ofc. I tow the line. Anyway I got dragged for it then lo and behold I receive a comment from a blind person having my back I was like THATS RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT I SAY HERE IS LAW but that was so fascinating to me. Blind guy said he was able to read my blog with a read to voice audio something or other in a time when my blog being read aloud to him like a robot Stephen Hawkings and you couldn’t select your desired voice preference. my bf has a famous tennis player’s voice for his GPS (he seldom uses) and so one time we’re driving to wherever the fuck and this croony sexy swarthy mysterious voice relaxing and calmly is speaking in the background behind Sirius radio playing tunes, I ignore it, figure it’s another auditory hallucination lol but then I am like WHO is speaking what is that? Oh a tennis player directing us to another small town kk cool.

I still wanna make a Nagivation app and it’s your mother-in-law’s voice screaming at you to take a sweater and not drive so fast (soft seinfeld george costanza rip-off) like come on the wordplay is totally right there that’s how fast my brain is functioning, I’m doing the things and concocting riddles along the way fucking christ. I am nagivating you. Nagivation. No, NAGivation. STOP NAGIVATING AT ME. see? fun. especially three hours deep inna a road trip and you gotta piss but there’s no place in sight then someone mentions waterfalls and flowing rivers. Never stop trolling the world.

I look back on my life to understand the here and now like I can see bad habits I am forming and I am raiding my hand to try to curb them all in one fell swoop like you can conquer shit when u tap into a higher level of consciousness (can you believe that I am talking like this now?) and when you make that shift in establishing a new routine involving effort and wiping out the bullshit.

for the stupider ones than me, here:

Consciousness is the state of being aware of and able to think about one’s own existence, thoughts, and surroundings, encompassing a complex interplay of subjective experiences and brain processes.

So I want to work on a digital detox. Less social media. Less immediate dopamine reaction and OCD checking notifications around the clock. I never learned to shut off or nagivate that. I get a lot of notifications and it’s no different than drugs or any other addiction. If you have been a loner or isolate yourself, then social media is for you, so now that I got what I wanted I am drowning in it similar to lottery winners who blow thru all their money.

I wished for social media before it existed. I wanted to leave my beautifully screwed up teenage girl journals in parks for strangers to read and somehow get back to me. I thought of a system! I would dig a hole and there would be a sign-out log for all the people desperate to hear about my life. LMAO. Joke’s on you though because you’re here reading this so who is the loser now huh?

Another thing I need to curb is Love Island fights with morons like me on X. I like it as much as coffee. Lots. And then when I get attacked oh god lorrrrrrrrrdddd yess more please. I think I am addicted to humiliation and fighting I get an adrenaline spike when someone is mean to me, there’s legs here, it would explain a lot of my toxic patterns but anyway, I need to monetize it if I am going to continue investing precious time that would be better utilized elsewhere.

The thing with me though is if I like something then I will suck the fucking life out of it. That’s how we are with obsessions, hobbies, addictions, right? Not naming names but if you’re gonna chime in on my excessive unhealthy patterns then I will call you out on your annoying crap too!

See what I did there, defensive deflection. Don’t do that. Own and stand in your shit don’t attack and point fingers you know who you are if you do this.

Limiting social media I am hoping will lead to me blogging more and writing more BOOK. My writing agent said he will see if he can get me someone to help me. My bestie was but he literally RIP now so the position is now available. I have to trust you though. I let someone in before and they wrote a fucking hit blog piece on me LOL. I got Selena’d. jkjkjk but u know what I mean. Not bragging but I got some stage 5 clingers.

My next blog post will be a positive one nothing but motivational stuff as I would like to be the change I want to see in the world which means some people I know who are nothing but negative always it’s like abuse in my ears instant joy thief like fuck it’s entertaining but boundaries, curb it. When you’re the all new you that involves cutting out other people’s garbage you don’t want near you and never did nahhmsayin? I suffer from my own hell i ain’t suffering yours too. Empaths need to be vigilant. When giving is your love language you should not give too much and you will know when it’s too late so learn to SAY NO. And don’t apologize.

My girl Kenzie (who is getting so much hate and I defend the most like I am being paid) on Love Island corrected both of her matches in conversation and I wanted to tweet wow cunty but then I thought NO fuck that if she were a man saying those things no one would bat an eye. I also loved that she was right so hard and both men take the L. If men would just take more Ls and stfu more the world would be a lot chiller place like if y’all fucked up don’t waste more of our energies gaslighting around it because we saw it the first time. I step into my power of not getting fucked around with no more FYI first time I am nice about it and stand on business but if you didn’t take me seriously the first time, lord help you. When I fuck up and it means something to me, I do something about it I face it head on because I can’t relax until it’s rectified. Don’t understand the run and hiders and deniers. No aura points brah.

Okay I’m gonna pick some thirst traps for this post now.

Lemme know what you know, you know?

xo

Ate this yesterday then crushed a ton of weights and kettlebell. Being more aware of what I eat instead of starving myself and then snacking. Eat protein then have fuel and lift weights duhhh stupid. Still some steak left I will eat and do more puttering.

The odd cheat here and there so you don’t go postal. Sticky toffee pudding for 4.99 why wouldn’t you?

The post girl slow down appeared first on Raymi the Minx.

I have this rule that I seldom remember but I am trying and it is to blog when I am crashing out hard on various social media platforms as in INSTEAD of pissing people off over there draw them here to RTM.com if they want more raymi doses of crazy and while I’m at it, it is so sad that I am unlearning shit I use to strongly preach “if my blog needs a blog kill me” as in twitter and facebook FUCK I am trying so bad to bring it back to basics.

Take this drawing for example. Don’t just AI it. Don’t google it. Learn a new font and create it yourself.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS. Try it. If you’re spiraling out, write. I remember writing this when I was furious not gonna say at whom but now looking back at these it appears to be a positive thing instead of screaming into the void aka more rageahol pointless texts and now we have these to look at. Maybe I should apply them to reality. I was feeling attacked and guilty for doing whatever necessary to be happy to be me to fucking exist I dunno.

These are the equivalent of sticky notes people put on their bathroom mirrors and read while brushing their teeth to get motivated for the day to CRUSH IT. It’s cute when you read one of these pump you up sayings you’re like DAMN STRAIGHT I WILL PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK FOR THAT MINOR THING I WAS PROCRASTINATING ON. One of my favourite in-recovery things we are taught (also while struggling in active addiction) is to give ourselves grace and be gentle with ourselves. Never been taught that before normally we just accept that we are pieces of shit who made bad decisions. Turns out, you’re allowed to flip the script and be a buddy to yourself, check in, not out!

This one speaks for itself. I try to write out things I find to be a little more original so that it’s out there that my brain thought of it first. I’ve come up with lots of firsts of course but that’s enough bragging for today. Back to blasting Peter Gabriel now to get thru this crappy rainy weather xoxo your pal rlw.

The post daily affirmations appeared first on Raymi the Minx.

Only took me 42 fuckin years to get it right but best late than never.

I have so much anxiety coursing through me right now I have already blown my own mind several times and I haven’t even done shit yet. I have mentally carved out several anecdotal okay not anecdotal because this is what anecdotal actually means…

an·ec·do·tal
/ˌanəkˈdōd(ə)l/
adjective
(of an account) not necessarily true or reliable, because based on personal accounts rather than facts or research.
“while there was much anecdotal evidence there was little hard fact”

Now I’ve just gone and confused myself. What I mean to say is for many years now I’ve been gathering up things to say here… explanations, stories, thoughts, but I am such a giant prefacer that it never fucking happened and then all this time passed and more things occurred so it’s like, where to even begin man.

Slow down, slow down.

Okay here goes.

I am proud of myself for being here right now. For getting out of the house. It’s just so easy to stay home watching Netflix and that was so close to almost happening but I told myself no way you delayed this yesterday no more leeway ya dumb fuck.

I am also proud of myself for still being alive too even though I never really think about it I am super good at cognitive dissonance which is why I got so good at drinking which I had to stop doing otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now typing this today. I am going to get back into the habit of blogging again so that I am in the habit of writing period and then can finish my book. THE BOOK.

Have finally landed on a topic of interest. Me, myself, and I but finally the angle has presented itself in a fell down got back up again humourous, angry look at addiction kind of way – a recovery book of sorts. Over the years I have attempted to write THE BOOK but this blog got in the way, the immediate gratification rush, the dopamine ohh fuck ya lets look at the stats who is looking at me RIGHT NOW!? LETS GOOOOO!

My regular blogging routine was to drink and smoke pot and get into a groovy groove state of mind and blabbity blah my stupid crap on repeat. I stopped blogging two relationships ago I allowed the haters to get into my mind and as I was in a failing relationship it made me fall out of love with blogging because I felt embarrassed and cringe but not anymore by any stretch. The glow-up is fuckin’ real. See what you’ve got to do is cloak yourself in some self confidence and picture yourself floating up in the sky like a Sailor Moon moment it’s super gay and awesome and your superpower protects you from letting the real or imagined perception of others affect you.

My friend said the sobriety looks good on me it’s like my superpower now and I was like fuck yeah it is. Today is day 88 and in Morse code it means “love and kisses” lol so there you go.

I am going to be careful with what I write here because I need to write THE BOOK but this so far has been great I don’t know what scares me so much it’s exhausting and distracting. In MY BOOK I touch on how I choose to no longer be that stressed out anxious shy fucking person anymore I need to get back to the old Raymi the 19 year old balls to the wall shameless psycho, you know?

Like fuck yeah I am crazy I own it. I am so done caring what other people think of me that ship has sailed bud, you like me, you about me, that’s rad, you ain’t, that too.

I was watching a show at my mom’s with Kevin over the summer, I think this was a relapse period, forgive me, there’s been plenty and don’t get me started on the apology tour lol jk anyway I was watching a Netflix reality show with people competing for a million dollars and they had to do all these insane missions and tasks to make it to the next round, one of those missions was flying in a helicopter to the Alps to get ice for a cocktail from a glacier. I know, this show rules but any way I was thinking I couldn’t do that. Regular Raymi can but drinking Raymi cannot. What I was thinking and feeling in that moment was every single moment of my life included alcohol along in it how was I suppose to fly in a helicopter and get ice? How can I do or enjoy anything in life if I don’t know where my next bottle of vodka is coming from while I am doing that thing and how do I hide it?

An addict is so severely dependent on their drink that they will put it first in line of importance in front of everything else in their life. They are mentally, physically, spiritually fucking dependent. If you don’t break the cycle it will get you in the end. There are so many other ways to die but this one’s probably the saddest. Addiction is an illness we are born with and not to get all AA but you have to admit that you are powerless over alcohol in order to move the fuck on and drop the bottle.

I went to AA and other groups but I have discovered that I can’t focus on myself when I am trying to save others too like I have all these suggestions for them. It’s okay to be selfish. I am done feeling guilty about putting myself first finally. I gave up on myself. I went into ahhh I’ll get around to leveling up at some point mode. If you don’t save yourself no one else will.

I let alcohol eclipse everything else in my world. I missed out on so many experiences which chaps my ass the most. Anxiety and fear take over instead. Fuck. I am SO glad those days are behind me now and I am focused on the here and now and tomorrow and catching up on lost time.

Boundaries become a new addiction and realizing you ain’t taking shit no more from anyone and the things you use you let slide ain’t happenin’ no more. It takes some people a little bit of time catching up with the new you. They are arguing with the old you and get confused so try to be patient but if you need to cut them off go for it because this is your journey.

I fell in love with myself again and I am still working on me. I quit smoking cigarettes for many years then picked it up in rehab and YES I will be talking about rehab in THE BOOK. I was smoking cigarettes like a fiend from rehab up til early December and now I’m done with smoking thank God. More on that later too in THE BOOK I guess man I love this new THE BOOK excuse I have invented for not finishing sentences or thoughts no but really there’s things I am saving for that not here.

But why THE BOOK at all I have asked myself what am I looking to achieve from it the book industry is dead who will give a fuck. ok the OG Raymi fans will plus me, I will. I am passed the point of needing a thing to make me big to save me or rock the world I am happy and secure in being an under-achiever and not even in a smug sense I am the kind of person now who is content with simple ass things it’s such a cliche so like, if i put some effort in I know that I can actually publish a book. I have all the skills, the talent, the contacts but do I have the drive THAT is the question am I afraid standing in my own way hell fucking yes ding ding ding.

My therapists, have been working with several, keep closing my file because they are like you are no longer fucked up you’re good now goodbye there’s just one left we spoke yesterday and I was like oh no not you too I need you! We talk about goals, my goals. So this is “a goal” as they tout in therapy and as humans it is supposedly good for us to have goals so we can cross them off our lists.

Growth is good. It feels good. It feels good to look back at the POS you use to be and be like girlllllll! Always keep around you friends who will call you on your shit and be able to laugh at yourself too oh fuck we love laughing at me trust me there is no escaping the roast fest what is my life. That’s the beauty of being a drunk you have a lot of stories and the bad parts your brain has deleted for you from a black out, win-win. It’s okay to repeat yourself too and forget you have already told that story. I was reading Chandler’s autobiography in rehab, sorry Matthew Perry, and it was wild and sad to read it because he wrote it before the relapse that killed him published it then died so I am reading this brief window of sobriety he has and knowing he’s dead while reading his new book was fucking harsh. He repeats himself a lot in it. Drunks do. I journaled while in rehab which I will transcribe into THE BOOK. Some stories are too painful for me still like stuff from when I was twenty but it’s okay I don’t have to do it all at once I am just happy to be here and thanks for listening I appreciate you.

your pal Raymi

ps. it wouldn’t allow me to upload a picture to this post and I am hoping that’s because I am on public wifi I had a nice picture just for this post will troubleshoot later. ANNOYED

The post the year of self love appeared first on Raymi the Minx.