I feel as though I’m coming out of a fog

…and like myself again. It feels good to be back but where that is, who knows who cares I have done a lot of pretentious self-reflection self love self care weird fucking things this summer I dunno. I isolated myself. I took’er easy. Any way I will be working my way backward through my phone of the things that are still there on it that I did this summer and the thoughts that I had while doing them and that will be that. In the blink of an eye the season t’was over but it’s not officially done until sept 21 So. There.

Oh my god if you saw the set-up I am dealing with right now to get wifi into my own apartment you would die I am trying so hard not to be a bitch and just roll with it but add loud hammering into the fold louder because my door is wide open to get the signal using a stool as a table and my shoe rack as a mouse pad rest even moving it a fraction to the left cuts it off so where I thought I was on easy street before on my micro-kitchen counter…I download netflix movies from my account so that I can binge them in bed by nightfall I am too annoyed and embarrassed to show a picture here I sent one to Marie and she was like girlllll get Rogers I didn’t want to get into it here! but maybe the secret to maintaining an audience (like women in China livestreaming do) is to complain and share every fucking mundane thing that I roll my eyes at other people sharing on Facebook and yet… read every goddamn bit of it myself.

I have been back in the city a couple weeks now? Going on week 3? I spent a month abouts in Burlington, from Wasaga, to Oakville and all I had packed were bathingsuits and one pair of shorts that I wore all summer LMFAO… anyway we will get back to that. But anyway since I have been home in Toronto NO WIFI. The Super was my wifi hookup and he moved out. I refuse to spend one more fucking dime on anything period in this city if I can help it especially since there is pre-existing wifi in our building already this whole time unbeknownst to me, and a strong signal at that if you can bloody reach it, or speed, at least when my door is open and I am perched over my laptop like an arachnid from District 9 (look it up) my fucking back is killing me bruh.

Now I can bundle my phone package with internet right? Wrong. But then the guy at rogers is like wait I can get you a good deal. Brother man fuck you. Don’t act all back door special with me I have had my account since I was 19, I am 36, do the math I am paying you way too fucking much already. Even if I bit the bullet we still need to figure out where the fuck to install it in this old-ass building. Why the hell would I even go get my own modem when it’s already here and we just need an extender on the existing modem down the fucking hall from me I can see right now I am legit on my last nerve — fix this yesterday. Was told will just go by the computer store on College 2 weeks ago and it hasn’t happened I am beyond pissed. I am also SICK of having my door OPEN – it isn’t safe. Maintenance dudes keep looking in AT me too as a bonus while I am typing here on a stool. I will probably delete this but I needed to explode. I am annoying them they are annoying me. They can hear my same twenty songs I play over and over.

Other than that I am doing great and very happy ahhaha sorry! Not lying.

I am glad with the things in my life that I do which make me happier at a later point in time when I look at my photos and in the moment I have this obsessive compulsion to capture and hoard experiences and then self-reflect maybe share a fraction of my adventures later on I have been doing this for the majority of my life it is my truth and it’s how I sought to attract my tribe, anyone, who would listen to and see me.

I see poets as roving packs of magic creatures, demented, lovingly so besought by their wariness and experience I eat it up. I fill my head up with so much fantasy to self-preserve and contain my way, in which I need to constantly justify my nature? Truth be told I am comfortable in who I am, arrogant, and also afraid. It is an adrenaline at your backside. Think twenty minutes of anxiety every twenty minutes and that is how I live.

you have to make amends with everything before you can suffer nothing before you can be everything you ever wanted to be.

We’re always thinking of little schemes and ideas for me to hone my talents which are so fucking good like a how to online date thing where I tell newbs what to watch out for because let me tell ya I have been a bible of wisdom for my squad in their new time of swipings prime of recent.

I just have this life I dreamt of before when i was so enamoured by hipsterism kooky aesthetic and am now trapped by it because living in Toronto is so expensive when I leave this place they will slap paint on and charge $2000 for it so I am like fighting the man and the power and everyone always anywhere anytime.

I need my mister dress-up lifestyle I look to other institution peoples like myself in Toronto, how they are fairing, and some have all become lampoons of themselves by design, by necessity, and by need to survive. We all have had our own successes, failures, fall-backs. BUT most importantly COMEBACKS and I am here for it! I so support my fellow Toronto celebs my music industry pals who helped MAKE ME. ILU 4EVR #Gratitude #blessed.

NOW on to my next annoying topic to rant about which is purely self-inflicted toxicity of my own actions embedded deep within a place of my disgusting vanity and vulgur as it is I find it hard to justify looking pale in the winter time I am only angry at myself for not freezing my account for two months of the summer such waste throwing money in the garbage and tanning salons are crooks in the bests of times you have to show up and do paperwork like a gym like uhhm no one has time to even consider the sheer terror of that.

Perhaps you find what I find in this blog style vein of an art-form to be antiquated, outlandish out of style but it is normal to me. I never knew but of anything else and to even fucking second guess it is a travesty.

How greedy with your time are you? Because I am so far gone indulgent with mine I was JOMO before that ever existed like putting your state of being in a physical valium existence this is what Netflix does to us today it’s just too good too easy to watch through a cinematic lens parallel to our facebook landscape connections to those we knew years ago.

And getting back to basics of doing irl things is utterly amazing. As an adventure thrill-seeker you fill the chambers of the void with constant doing the older you get because you finally know and fear and realize how limited time truly is.

Nothing makes me feel more emotional, more poetic, more depressed, than autumn. If it were a person I would punch it in the face, buy it drinks, and ghost it. Because you know what comes next. Sacrifices are fun and all unless you’re the cat on the pyre. Winter is LONG. I think the majority of my blog posts are about how much I fucking hate winter. Wow.

I’ll just take a sec to switch gears here and breathe.. LOL.

Nothing bothers me but everything makes me insane.

Relate?

I come up with these lines all day long I wish I would just write them down make a set out of them. This is the start. This is a preclude to a podcast.

the things that you admire, inspire, and you let shine out through and you remember that moment again and what it reminded you of so sweetly, to begin with.

If you want to go somewhere from 1909 go to Allan Gardens. Bring a b cup, a marie antoinette glass (coup glass) cos she had b cup sized tits ha ha I love that!

Took in two softball games ate shawarmas it was lovely.

It got cold though. Made do.

All in all a great summer it has been. I went all over and was a beach bum as much as poss.

SO here is the story of my Christmas blanket. Since nobody asked. Two Christmas parties ago I was a marketer for an agency and I lost my receipt for all the Christmas crap I bought for the Christmas staff party and they were like Raymi we can’t reimburse you for that so I was like fine THIS BLANKET IS MINE NOW plus all these elves. lmao.

I left behind lots of shit there is no love lost I just think it’s funny. I bought it for this couch we had in the office Tess suggested I cover it up with something as a last ditch effort Dollarama came through. Those girls loved me Valentines day Easter St Patricks Christmas Canada day Halloween those were good times sigh. I’d go to Dollarama her beside my place before work and pick out fun ass things to put together on display for instagram and clients and candy for the team for morale.

See that bee.

They were everywhere.

I went to pee and came back with crayons and we had a colouring contest had a girl impartially judge who was better and we won against my boy Troy sorrryyyyyyyyy we only had three colours to work with.

Love this beach, bish.

We found a discarded bubble disc I have no other way of knowing how to describe it but anyway it was essentially a frisbee so we tossed it back and forth until it broke for a good 20 minutes I stood on top of the rock formation because it was the last place the sun was hitting and it was such a perfect game of frizz I felt like an Olympian all these moments I shotgun to my heart to get me through winter my least spirit animal.

So happy to live so close to here.

and to here.

So centrally located to many places it’s why I live where I live and I take it because it’s a gem and when I lived in the beaches I felt the same melancholy temporariness that it was living anywhere in Toronto but I am grateful for what I have right now so that’s that! It’s fucking cool it’s unique it speaks to my eccentricities my lone wolfism fuck yeah no roommates.

Oh lord I uploaded way too many photos than actually wanted to deal with so lets to be continued this never-ending story for now thanks guys see ya.

I’m a party girl in a party world

Hey there it’s me I’m back to say what’s up and chat a little bit before I burn out on blogging again for the next couple weeks (months) haha. There have been a few changes since we last hung out. Where to begin? In the middle probably works although if you follow me on all my socials you’ll know what gwan already – here we just elaborate more.

Let’s start with work first. We have moved offices and so far so good so awesome. It’s not too far from where I live I can just bike all the way up Sherbourne and be a sweaty mess by the time I get to Bloor BUT I get chiseled in the torso from pedaling, using my whole body and then on the way home it’s a chill-ass free fall going down south pretty easy. You heard about the bike deaths happening lately in Toronto don’t worry I am a good cyclist, I know the roads, and I don’t listen to music I am fully-alert. I think cars SHOULD slow down and chill the fuck out, there have been days when streetcars or a vehicle whomever is behind the wheel will want to race me and let me know they got around me only for me to beat them again and again just goes with the flow of traffic/congestion and bikes being able to get around like fuck off guy let me live my life and get out of your way we can all get along, right?

Something nice I did today happened as a little boy came walking down the stairs to the subway and passed me as I just got off, he was going really slow and I said to him, you can still make it – I knew the train was still there. He knew what I meant and then beat it all the way down the stairs where he no doubt got onto that subway train. I bet he was like, that lady was so nice wow and then he did something nice for someone else too hopefully. Sometimes, often times, I will say hi to strangers, randoms, cashiers, wish them a nice day or simply smile at them when I know they’re not happy and probably no one has acknowledged them as human beings like all day so I take it upon myself to be the light. Many times I can be depressed and stuck in a particular head space and it would be nice to have like everyone shine positive attention on me for a few minutes but then there are times I am like fuck off please so it’s up to you to know the difference and good luck with that.

Date night last week and I am unapologetically happy as heck because I have been boyfriend-hunting for the right one for too long now. We are fortunate that we were set up on a date by his father and we instantly connected. I am gaga right now. I love that Ariana Grande is also in a whirlwind romance right now too I can relate just block the haters out.

This is the outfit I chose to make an impression including sexy heels from my mom. My mom gave me the skirt it’s a bit big maybe I can shrink it. I showed up a bit late and it had started pouring rain, the restaurant was packed and I had to walk through the entire thing to get to their special table everyone’s head turned like a Julia Roberts who is that moment. I still have my coat check tab because we were the last ones in the restaurant and I just walked behind the curtain to get my raincoat for myself. After the date we got on the phone immediately I think he texted first and we were just totally grinning high on life I was invited to the cottage the next day as you know I went up and the rest is history.

I jumped off a 30 foot rock into the lake landing the way you do not want to land and learned a valuable lesson to point my toes when people tell you to do so, it’s more than a suggestion – it felt like hitting cement and yes it was embarrassing. My bruise is just about healed two weeks later. A girl was too scared to jump so I went up there to support although I knew I’d chicken out too and I won’t be doing that again until I practice off of less-high rock faces.

This is from Tuesday and these are some pretty important people to me, the work fam. Send off drinks for Evan whom will be missed but change isn’t the end of the world.

I tried for a Madonna look and realized it was not really work appropriate although my personality and confidence can help be part of the outfit therefore it doesn’t matter what I wear. I am stubborn and go by the beat of my own drum so it takes awhile to penetrate. My laundry in my building has been out of order for weeks and I am starting to lose my fucking mind they tell me today it will be good which means my life will be laundry for the next few days.

There he is.

When we can’t see each other we text when we can and now facebook video message. It’s nice to have a balance and someone who wants to do shit with you and you don’t have to chase. We are a good fit.

The benefits of being happy are so many. You look better and well, you’re happy. Relaxed. The hunt is over. Tired of dating people and you know within a second they’re not the one and you’re not the one and then you’re like is it ever gonna happen for me? Let’s be real, I am 35. I have definitely thought for awhile like ok am never gonna have a kid now great I will be a bitter woman for the rest of my life and look at kids and babies longingly and then go home and scream into a fucking pillow.

Another benefit is inspiration. When I am content I can blog. It centers me. I need a muse and that’s that. Empty posts of dating and dining is shallow and makes me sad and you start to take everything for granted you don’t enjoy the spoils because you’re using them to fill a void a lack of love in your life. Also, my blog post title is clearly a play on Barbie girl, which, I may be as well. It was a joke reference I made earlier this week to a work friend and then I said I will make my next blog post title that. If I have a title it’s all I need to start one up. When I sit down to write I have a general idea of what I will say here but my mind is a crazy circus most often times it’s a mystery to me too what’s gonna come out next.

I took a few days off drinking a couple weeks ago because I did not like who I was becoming and that tiny little change really helped me and then something good happened. I guess it’s true, everything you want is on the other side of fear. I still want sober days and to be better, get healthier so I will.

<3.

Hummingbirds I mean, come on. Swoon.

We kayaked and it was very magical. I’ll be getting a siamese cat tattoo on my back right shoulder next window I get.

If you know what the Hell this is please let me know. He visits a lot. All the bugs that fly at me cos of my hair or whatever startle me and I shriek and then people are like good grief. Okay sorry I can be dramatic but wouldn’t you be if a June bug flew at your mouth and head and then another giant moth and then THIS MOTH too? Okay I will upload the video as evidence and you can decide if it’s worthy of screaming.

I think you know what my vote is.

This coat tho.

This dog tho.

Of course I chose the Dubble Bubble as it’s one of my many nicknames (no it isn’t).

Working across from the Bay will slay (my wallet).

I have a hat thing. If you want to donate toward it I will gladly accept.

On sale for 11 bucks. Get your Canada Day swag in time my fellow Canucks and don’t forget to buy Canadian.

We went hiking + cave exploring in Collingwood and it was beautiful. I’m hyper-active I need to be taken on walks, hikes, drives, dinners, etc etc so this suited me just fine.

Love the digs here we have two floors to play around on.

This is my bestie Marie she did my nails and leant me these pants to bike home in. She is a very supportive gf, positive, and helpful. I am very grateful to have her in my life she is as smart and compassionate as she is beautiful.

I wore bike booty shorts this day and it was freezing cold out I am an idiot sometimes just don’t tell anyone. I look forward to my next chrome nail manicure Marie!

We have matching Unicorn lipsmackers obviously.

What time was this taken at? I know, but do you?

The bruise was just forming here ok ttyl gotta go have an excellent day and weekend to be continued…

How to find Love abroad

Hey peeps. I wrote this in April for Playboy, we then decided to take a V SPOT direction but I still had this kick ass advice feature and just as I’m about to embark on another life journey adventure plus am in the throes of packing travel anxiety at the mo, why not share it with you now? Not that you need my advice but it couldn’t hurt. As a writer, not everything makes it or is used I’m sure plenty of you writers out there know that too. Enjoy!

People go away to meet new people because they’re sick of where they’re from and everyone there.

Have you seen 1997’s Addicted to Love? In it, Tchéky Karyo’s character Anton is a French restauranteur from Paris with a swanky eatery in NYC that’s flourishing because he’s from somewhere else – a key component in many a successful venture as there are many French guys to go around in Paris. You must leave and spread your seed elsewhere for people to appreciate it. Less competition in other words, you stand out more. You must go away, in some instances, to get play.

On vacation people get to be the best versions of themself. Your mood is like a pheromone drifting on the salty ocean breeze, you don’t even know the power of your allure. One must tread cautiously on vacay because there are love bugs at every juncture if you’re that kind of romantic, crazy sort. If you’ve been single for awhile, or abstaining, and lacking of affection for many months. Warning: your guard WILL be down. (and also up) You will fall in love! You might fall in a hole too. I did! Seriously it was something like 50 first dates and I lisp like Barrymore after a few drinks too.

The harder to get you are, the more they wanna get you. If a typically monogamous gal when out with the gals and being respectful of whatever bloke you’re with it’s like a halo of fuck off to trouble in the shadows, those lurking devils. They study you. People are so revealing without even knowing it. Your eyes, a subtle flick invite on the world. The heart wants what it wants and on vacation it’s like spring fever times a trillion. I spent all winter long pouring vodka on my dormant libido. A milestone birthday on the horizon, a plan to travel elsewhere after Aruba that plan now dashed to pieces because of my Caribbean holiday. The way to fall in love is to not fall in love. To be selfish and greedy. To say yes.

It’s super easy to hook up while abroad but the quality levels vary. Upon entering any club, do the inaugural gauntlet walkthrough and I promise you’ll have at least one super fan or two by the time you finish. Before heading out be sure to say a prayer to the beer goggles gods because they are never as good looking as you think which really doesn’t matter until you see the digi-pics of shame later on which is always fucking hilarious but again it depends what you want out of this fling or flight. The fantasy smashed illusion of post-vacation mini-flings are the worst so be careful about falling for your vacationing beer guzzling Lothario, “an unscrupulous seducer of women”.

When you meet in real life by chance it makes things ultra spicy in that this window is closing fashion, and I don’t have to care about you or where this is going because we know it’s going to end but what if it doesn’t? It’s a free world more or less and you could move anywhere you can weigh the options. You feel like you will never meet someone like this ever again because you know now what unique is and how come this stranger likes all the things you hate about yourself? Why do people take you for granted back home but love you abroad? Are we deceiving strangers, playing an I’m sexy role? Whatever it is, I say own it and when you get home be like that’s right, maybe y’all shoulda been nicer to me.

On vacation you let your hair down and all the unattractive things about you vanish, specifically stress. It makes you ugly. You wear less makeup, your skin shines, your hair is crazy insane from the heat, you adopt a don’t give a fuck constitution and it brings all the boys to the yard who are already there pissing in it.

I am a realist who keeps it real. I do stupid sh!t in the name of love. I am a f- up artist and men love it. Many men tell me I am smarter than they are. It’s not just me who can minx abroad though, you all have it in you. Think about how many times at home you say “no”. Do you want to be a no person forever? Also at home there are less opportunities it seems to even say yes so I’m not exactly advising rash stupidity I’m “just saying” do a personal experience overhaul and be the fun girl for once. I know it’s hard to turn off your brain and pointless Canadian self-guilt sensors in the mix of it but YOU GOT TO.

Do go off with a stranger, but keep it in the safer touristy areas where there’s lots of witnesses and if this guy (or gal) are as stand-up as they are proclaiming to be make them take you out sightseeing the next day first so they can earn it and you can have a clearer head about the whole idea. But if you just wanna f-ck ‘n chuck then make sure they can at least stand up cos their lil captain later on in the room/behind a palm tree, will not. Ask them a billion times where they’re staying (I have memory problems) and if they say they came with a crew of dudes they become less sexier and that helps you realise you do not actually want to do this guy. Seriously you think you’re the first girl he’s had this are we gonna bone chat with? Do you know how gross four dudes to a hotel room is? Ultra.

It’s not always about sex even though that’s the end result and probably partial meaning to life other than love. Plus money. The question is what do you value most? Pensioners who wait until they are retired to start vacationing, what’s the point when you can’t f-ing walk or party anymore? Seize the day. Do things while you’re young before set in your ways, see the world and fall in love once in a while. If it ends in disaster you can do it again. Take a chance. Give yourself that courtesy and never be afraid of yourself or capabilities and for god sake be street smart.

From travel you learn that globally, people are all after the same thing and you can hit it with any one of them but first you just gotta meet. Pickins’ ain’t slim out there either so don’t bring sand to the beach bro, your opposite sex bestie is going to cramp your style in no time or worse, pick up before you and you’ll be bitter. To know who we are we must leave where we’re from and I now know I’m a treasure built for pleasure, so why not go with it.

By the way, most of these guidelines are for if you meet another fellow traveler. If you meet a local of your destination you are definitely going to break their heart and that power can be intoxicating so go easy and don’t string them along too much. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it if they get out of line though because sun seekers like you arrive via turnstile and there is always another you. Being trapped in paradise is an actual thing. These smooth criminals know what to say to sell us on all things Caribbean so know at which junctures to turn on and off your brain, and heart. Enjoy the ride and remember no glove no love lol xoxo Raymi Bunny.