merry christmas baby

Hello! For Christmas my gift to you is a blog post and in it I will discuss our favourite person: me. I’ll try not to complain or say anything too mental.

The images I’ll be using will be a varietal ongoings-blend of the last month cos lawrdy know, I is behind. If you’ve seen some of these pics already before I don’t care (already a lie, I SO care) because they need to be on my blog for the newbies.

I was freezing during this shoot. If only it was as warm that day as it is today. It’s climate change times like these that comfort me and my lack of reproductioning cos by the time my kid is an adult the whole world will be a goddamn swimming pool.

Creepy outtake I liked.

On way to Ho Ho to. Still need to blog that too. I’m covering my nose cos sometimes I fantasize about it not being there and how much prettier I would be at all times. I don’t even care how pathetic and narcissistic that makes me sound. We get one face and we have to deal with it our entire lives.

Not only frozen to death I was also hung af. Went to a big party the night before and also had a shoot the day before. When I push myself I can get it done but the aftermath fatigue is something very real. But that’s my life and I made my own bed.

Having this shit on my face at Grand Electric was amusing. You talk to people and kind of have to act like you aren’t aware of the intergalactic insanity smeared on your eyes and they also play the game along with, ignoring the pink elephant too. People in Toronto don’t offer up personal things to strangers because it’s like, please stop trying to tell me about your life. I pointed at my chest (self) and declared, “photoshoot today” then felt like a total loser so after that I just acted like the makeup’s not there. So NOW I’m an idiot who wears eccentric warrior makeup and that’s my thing.

The only Joe Fresh who took this bait was Joe Fresh Korea. I’ll take it!

Did you ever hear about Pedro the old ass seagull who was my friend for an entire afternoon at Wasaga beach and 100% because I fed him a medium sized thing of mcdonald’s french fries? We have many family photos of this bird that spent the day with me, even sat on the blanket hahahha. I was solo cos my brother was old enough by this point not to be dragged to all that family road trip shit. In the photos on the beach blanket, you can see all these nerdy books I was reading at the time too and my journal. NERD ALERT. You probably knew this story already because you know everything about me.

Enough about me for two seconds. Booboodoodoo is back in my life again. With another booboodoodoo (a son!) good times dudes. She’s a partner in a new venture (a bar called Swan Dive please follow them on twitter!) and I’m going to be bartending there wee-hoo. Located at 1631 Dundas St w, Swan Dive is an ecclectic scene a la “Grandma goes to the disco” says Bechnique. Peep their Instagram too and follow thank you! They are open for NYE and if I were in town I’d be ‘tending but you should go anyway cos there’s no cover.

I die.

Just totally perfect. I thanked Rebecca for this “mother experience” yesterday. Found him a high chair on the street nd carried it back to Swan Dive for them it was so lesbian. I was dressed like a lumberjack cholo as well.

The showcase will be filled with oddities. We repeated the word oddities numerous times after that because fun.

Hardware store was fun and funny. There were xmas trees on display and Rebecca would say do you want to see the christmas? Look it’s the Christmas. You get to reform language with children it’s best.

On Monday did’er up at Addisons rez for the agave tequila party. I have to blog that too.

How could you even concentrate on playing me with my hair doing things like that to you?

Saw Hunger Games 2 nights ago. Loved it. I want Jenna Malone to have a crush on me.

I was on the phone with Lizzy walking home last night saw this house was like yo I gotta take a picture of this I have to go. Demon vintage cat!

Toronto is amazing. Can we come in and see your storage facilities just curious where you put all this crap inside.

Watched 3d A Christmas Carol, the Jim Carrey one. Did not know it even existed. Naturally I was mindblown.

The state of the table after eating was so funny. I’ll share later. not even the baby’s fault at all. Pho is messy cos you’re eating soup with chopsticks hello!!!

Dan Levy and I at hohoto. Getting the timing right and trying not to look fug makes for zany photobooth pics. I love and cherish them. I haven’t even looked at our own personal reel of pics from the night, I made Rob get pics from the outside through the curtain at us and he said those ones are amazing.

Twas a very good night and YES I’ll be covering it on Raymi Toronto. I blew my load on a different post the other night that’s the cue to be posted yet bla bla blah etc you don’t care. Do you want to compare To Do lists? Omg what an idea for a book. Famous People’s (or normal people’s) to do lists. From grandiose dreams, to mundane shopping items. Seeing the ongoing crap that Kimye does (vineyard) to other future projects. I would basically read anything about anyone at any time.

Okay now we are talking.

Raspberry liqeur night oh what fun hahah. I ate a million clementines.

The next slew of shots I roll out will be from this shoot. Yes I am the worst.

Sometimes my spirit animal is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman when she wears her spectacles all trainwrecked and her eyebrows are scarily off-set in shadow, kind of like mine. We all have celebs we secretly convince ourselves we are as hot as. Oh fuck I have so many delusions don’t even get me going.

Party injury. Wasn’t my fault someone did it to me.

When I was a pensive bunny. Preschool terrifed me to be honest I think my brain was still developing. I was like who are these people and WHAT is going on? I was so shy I had no voice. I remember getting scolded and viewing the teachers as 80’s cruel. This is a picture of me judging everyone.

I started bikini modeling young, in Florida. Why the hell is this my bathing suit mom? Lol!!! I didn’t know how to swim yet I remembered being scared of this pool. We threw rocks in it too and my dad had to swim in to get them. Shawn and I have ALWAYS been giant assholes.

Mocha was the best. Is someone cutting an onion in here? :( This is probably the first day of Preschool, second year? My style has been rock solid from the get-go.

I am smiling because we had been beating the shit out of each other for an hour on the grass and it was super fun we got grass stains on our brand new jogging pants knees and got in trubs cos after Nana’s we went to our other grandparents and these were our back to school clothes lol. normally I wouldn’t smile cos I didn’t get the whole posing prettily concept or being aware of being photographed and it made me very uncomfortable.

Can you believe I remember this moment? I remember everything about that day. I was kind of scared of Santa here and I didn’t understand why it was Christmas in July to the point of my parents being like give it a rest Lauren! But why is Santa here right now? Why don’t more people know about this??? I was so inquisitive always asking questions could never enjoy anything because I had to know. Meanwhile Shawn is chill as a pill.

Obviously I got screwed over with a bumper boat that only went in circles for my whole turn. I was PISSED.

Shawn was the cute one. I came from Fraggle Rock. Also one of my nicknames. :(((( hahahha.

Everyone told me to scram after this cos I am a girl. Thanks you’ve been great have a wonderful holiday with your loved ones and to the solo peeps out there, I got you!

Merry ChristmASS

I published this a few weeks back before my blog party then I chickened out but now I’m blocking out the haters for YOU so happy holidays from all us here at Raymi the Minx enterprises, y’all make this blog thing pretty fantastic. In any event, this juicy ass is from my date weight phase. I fear it is shrinking by the day so it’s important to make butt time capsules. I hope Nicki Minaj makes one of these. Or one of you Little Raymis does. Come on lets make a Raymeme.

Merry ChrisMUST!

christmas is for FUCKING ASSHOLES

you ghost of christmas passed-out

hi guise i thought i was on the mend but then i woke up this morning and THE SICKNESS had made its way to my throat, total phlegmland. we had a lot of last minute gift buying to do and i of course started to panic about it, fil was going with or without me so i had to decide either to stay in bed get better and obsess over all the things i wasn’t getting done in the outside world OR go out despite being sick as a dog, spread the influenza to as many stores as possible, and get shit done. so i got shit done with bloodshot eyes and zero energy and you know it kinda worked to my benefit cos i was able to achieve this zen-like state akin only to hot-boxing your brains out or whatever, no crabby bitches got me down today no siree, not possible, what i can barely hear out of my right ear.

ok where was i oh yeah i made little video updates from every stop and my happiness/tolerance level dramatically dips at each one. crabby in the car, not in the store. new rule. except i forgot to tell fil about that one not like he’d listen anyway.

good luck to you all tomorrow you last minute shopping motherfuckers, you will need it. wear layers that you can remove, nothing too heavy, throw a bottle of water in your purse and nuts or one of those hippie bars avoid the mall food court for the sake of your own sanity, that’s what a gossip magazine told me in the car today.

yesterday i stir crazy attacked the kitchen cabinets fuck they were so filthy, once you notice a speck you notice everything, it was no easy task, we clean those things never. fil said he wants to hire a cleaning lady (sexist) and he said this literally a minute after i had the same idea (but would never indulge in such a luxury, i would feel way too guilty and fat and useless) so i then decided why the hell would we pay someone when i can do a shittier job for free? so basically my right bicep is like arnold’s right now. i attacked every door frame, door, drawer any space our fingers touch and then other places wow reading about cleaning is fascinating right?

oh what’s that? anorexic you say? hahaha

if i told you how much i weigh now my mother would faint.

sick is the best exercise i never had. (that’s my quote i just invented it yes i realise how clever it is)

oh and i’m 20 again.

and i have perfect balance for the first time ever (tellin’ ya get yourself a zen cold, today)

during my leave of absence i also discovered the television has a blog.

and this would be smokey eyes, it makes more sense in real life and if your canvas (face) isn’t sickly pale like mine.

to be fair to cid this is an especially unflattering shot of him out of the ten i took. i wanted to capture the essence of his psychotically desperate obsession with fil.

washed and dried my school skirt (dry clean only my ass!) and tried it on to see if it shrunk, didn’t. i think it’s never before been washed. nice.

i had other things to say but i forget them. til later.

oh yes i remember i bought myself a ceramic curling iron so i can have “holiday hair” tomorrow and for christmas, i figure i have this stupid long hair i may as well do something with it for example in early highschool years i both curled and braided it like a christina aguilera nitemare. PUMPED. i should start collectnig little pieces of crap too, tinsel and miniature angels and butterflies. ew.

i also learned from the information magazines that a lot of celebrity babies are extremely ugly and that no matter how famous you are and how much your personal trainer and personal chef keeps you lean, you can’t get them to visit your birthing sac ok dudes even i have no idea what i am trying to say anymore so good nite.

did you know that aunt bethany from national lampoon’s christmas vacation was the voice of betty boop and olive oyl?!