Category Archives: lindsay lohan

a chat

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i can’t put up the new shower curtain cos the rings are so old rusted and cheap i just tried to take one off and my incredible hulk-like strength shattered it into a million pieces. oh and the new bathroom rug i bought us we cannot use cos of the rubber lining, not allowed to put it in the washers in this building. OH LOOK ANOTHER RULE.

merkley???: you are 80 years old

me: hahaha

merkley???: how is your blood pressure?

me: its just story telling relax

merkley???: no — it’s an emergency

me: what my crotchety blog post?

merkley???: eMERKgency

me: ha

merkley???: yes i read it
got home from LA last night
right before i went to sleep i did all my reading of the internet in my newsreader

me: what did u do there

merkley???: your blog comes up on the bottom because the rss feed is UNTITLED
went to the premiere of yes man

me: how did u go to that

merkley???: jim careys new movie

me: so u saw zooey deschanel

merkley???: my friends von iva are in the movie
yes

me: lucky

merkley???: her fictitious band in the movie are my friends
now they are all pals
i was beckys date
she plays keyboards
anyway

me: i LOVE zooey
sigh
sigh
i hate your luck

merkley???: so i read your blog last which made me have a dream about you
it aint LUCK ASSHOLE

me: i KNOW
did you come on here to brag

merkley???: anyway in my dream you were trying to make out with me

me: what is your opinion on my tattoo cos i know you have one

merkley???: IM TRYING TO TELL A STORY AND YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING

me: oh haa
I AM IN A TOWEL RIGHT NOW AND IT IS DARK AND I AM HUNCHED OVER
yeah right in your dream you were trying to make out with me nice try

merkley???: i’d admit it if it was true
you were trying to kiss me and it was like you never kissed anyone in your whole life
hahah
but the image was from one of your photos
i think it sparked the dream
because the location was about the same and the outfit too
cept you had a winter hat on

me: which outfit
when something comes up in a reader it comes up the way the post is when u hit publish right, and not when i go back to edit it?
so people miss stuff?

merkley???: i’m trying to find the picture
it updates

that picture
i think it was the last thing i saw before i went to sleep

me: haha

merkley???: but dude, you need to learn how to kiss a man
seriously
hahah

me: u need to learn how to have better dreams about me

merkley???: whoa dude, your blog looks all different
doesnt even look like your blog
i only read rss so i haven’t seen the actual thing for a long time

me: refresh
the bg changes everytime u refresh
theres like 50 of them

merkley???: cool
my blog background changes too so don’t think you were first
i like tattoos — back to that question
i never understood the fascination with blythe but it makes a good tattoo
who made your backgrounds? they don’t look made by you at all
are you ignoring me because i dreamed that you were an awkward kisser?

me: no i’m getting dressed
nerds made them they take images from my buzznet and make them into collages
some are way geeky

merkley???: i think you should do them
they dont look youish

me: i dont have photoshop but i will

merkley???: some of the fonts are bad too — i know you didnt choose them

me: i chose the good ones
gotta get dressed more bye merkley leave me comments please i miss you

a cucumber IS a fruit

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Raymi Belts It Out At Teds from Phil Ogynist on Vimeo

i will give you one million billion dollars if you can decipher whatever the shit i am saying at the end of this masterpiece cos i have no clue.

i caught fil’s cold, and i am hung, great time last nite thank you all for braving the blizzard for my gizzard and now i think i am going to be violently ill.

oh and my entire body is sore from busting ten thousand moves.

remind me to tell you about the guy on ketamine.

oh look, we have officially been schooled, 48 seconds in is when it gets good.

i like the beer bottle on the floor by the couch.

who were you after you were mine

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didn’t wear this because it was too slutty and apparently we had both agreed on that it was GOOD slutty, then i walk back into the room and fil says you’re wearing that? i was actually glad cos it is so unsausageforgiving especially with tights, bad dinner dress, good dance slutty dress. thanks alicia.

stopped off at nancy’s cheese.

nice paper, what’s in the box?

CUCKOO! though i happily enabled gill‘s obsession further with a cellphone betty charm see:

i also overheard you’re getting a BB tattoo?

new sweater vest, he thinks he needs it in a bigger size and everyone is telling him NO he so doesn’t.

had/have this exact mouse ornament on our tree growing up.

this game has good potential, more than that gun game we could never figure out.

purse fetish, i had no idea gill.

mmmmm st. jorge cheese.

this looks familiar…

on to dinner at sidecar, prix fixe stretches to wednesdays, awesome. our waiter was v dramatic, i asked him if he was a poet.

goro pony i immediately took down after looking at this.

the salmon was great, my flash completely blocked it out so it has a nice shadow. don’t be pissed if you weren’t there this was totally last minute impromptu we were planning to eat alone then figured why not cos brad would be missing out on friday as well as gill.

sitting beside a radiator is not conducive to sweater vests.

they gave us a nice assortment of desserts.

blue cheese cheese cake sort of?

see how powerful the flash is anyway, this is the chocolate they make the mousse from, so rich in this form your face would explode.

yes how flattering, my shade of foundation was out of stock so for the next month or so i’m going to be orange oprah which is the perfect time of year for it too WINTER stand out much!? and oh yeah thanks (SARCASM) mom for convincing me to get the black cardigan in small instead of XS it’s fucking HUGE. i’m glad i didn’t listen to you for the grey one.

HAHAHA you can see RIGHT through my shirt holy tara reid moment.

don’t forget this is going on saturday nite, i have two unspoken for tickets and i am too lazy to make a contest so just email me and tell me why you should be allowed to party with fil and i saturday nite.

SMIRNOFF EXPERIENCE: RED NIGHT HOTEL
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
Windsor Arms Hotel, 18 St. Thomas St. [Bay & Bloor]
$20 advance tickets at www.smirnoff.com OR
$30 at the door

how to wear a BIG scarf

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this big guy belonged to steph and she passed it on to me cos it looked like she was wearing a neckbrace when she wore it. i felt like the universe was staring into my soul yesterday and kept laughing at myself and of course looked crazier, it made my head look really tiny at least, bonus? matt met up with us to get his ipod he forgot at our place last week and i said we have to get out of here my scarf is too big for this book store.

i NEED a necklace tree.

family presents.

clutter gone!

he’s still around though.

good morning heartache. it is so totally hair wash day. i want to cut it fil says no.

so i guess this is the bun scarf, necessary for when i do bun head to protect my ears cos a hat just looks super stupid over a bun.

fuck you.

coffee time!

ps. know your bartender. HAHAHA.

OMFtights

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*i just realised i have a plus one for this party someone be my date you have til 6.30 to let me know!*

a pair of winter tights i was planning my outfit around for tonite are too small i am psychotically pissed off a little bit miffed and now i have to come up with some other stupid outfit to feel insecure in. they don’t go up high enough in the crotch, note to self YOUR LEGS ARE TOO LONG FOR A SIZE MEDIUM NO MATTER HOW SKINNY THEY ARE YOU ARE NOT A MEDIUM STOP BUYING MEDIUMS. steph your christmas present from me this year is a pair of black subtly argyle printed tights with some cat hair from cid, ho ho ho.

i have oprah on right now it’s the repeat of the sex and the city cast episode how fucking fascinating. still haven’t seen this totally predictable piece of cinematic drivel but i plan to just so i have more material to complain about. maybe i will “live” “blog” it from sass‘ couch.

guess what there’s more laundry nemesis ONLY FRIEND breakthrough news! i asked if she went to the christmas party and she said no she doesn’t live here (finally got it out of her) and that she wasn’t invited to which i made a frowny-face and said oh we didn’t go either then she said she went to a BETTER party at casino niagara and won five-hundred dollars and everything was paid for it was her birthday (i think whoever she works for in this building paid for her to go) and i reacted very enthusiastically and wished her happy birthday a couple times and said good for you! before all this she said i looked very summery. guys i think i am this close to hugging her please stop me. i wonder if she thinks about me. hahhahahahaha. or looks forward to the one day a week i do laundry.

i have decided to part my bangs pre-sarah palin days and they are so driving me bananananas!

ok dr. phil is on, you are kind of a big heel if you watch this shit and i cannot like you, at all, big deal breaker sorry. there are way too many reasons to list why dr. phil should dr. fuck himself (ps. I personally coin-phrased that term when i was manic) but i will give you one for now – his marriage failed and he gives advice to married couples and they keep going on the show for more of this marriage advice. ok one more reason why he can lick my bag (before the marriage failed) is he yells and points at people when he is delivering this “advice” as if it is law. like yeah great you’re profiting from the exploitation of stupid people and stupid people require advice to be yelled at them but still, YOU’RE ANNOYING ME DR. PHIL! and why do you come on before AND after oprah? ONCE IS ENOUGH! and why do you sit in those high chairs do you know how uncomfortable that makes me, i am nervous for your life when i see you in that high chair and i hate you don’t make me feel feelings for you! those chairs belong in bars only, like the keg where douche yuppies drink stupid drinks until their spirits break GOD!

and now i will plan something stupid to wear thank you for wasting my time.

ok wait i am too annoyed and involved in the saga what is this couple’s marriage to go away yet. wife (female) dresses in drag for fun and goes out. square husband does not jive with this, he just said he does not like gay things, gay culture (ugh). here is my marriage advice that dr. phil is not saying but should: GET A DIVORCE. he says it “hurts” him and is disgusted by it (someone punch his face off) she won’t stop (and why should she?)(her outfits are totally tame too!) so why are you even together in the first place. i swear, stupid people, stupid show if you are watching it right now you are dead to me.

never before seen samerin’s wedding pics

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first we shall begin with dance pictures because they are my favourite, and i only ripped the photos with me in them OBVIOUSLY.

nice tan sharpie! ahh my fryes first time out, my feet were seriously tortured by the end of the nite. i blame sean paul, MIA and beyonce.

seriously, did your body look like that (connie’s) two months after giving birth? ok now look at me MEMEEMME! ME!

duncan rules. i wonder what song i am pretending to know the words to. ainsley’s dress is so fab.

remember i costume-changed? before that connie and i were dress twins, except hers was shorter and her rack exploded out all hot and mine modestly took the back seat AS UJE.


click to enlarge. i would just not leave connie and seb alone haha. this particular dance move i call LONELY DESPERATION.

oh betty <3 i know you can't help it i'm so huggable look at me don't you just want to squeeze me til i barf?

my first move with audrey was to dance around her like a carousel while she stood all tall and still i thought maybe i could distract the universe from the fact that i am not a model by trotting in a circle around one? anyway look how nerdy my face his HI GUISE THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY BOOK CLUB! DID YOU GET TO CHAPTER TEN THIS WEEK?

waiting in line for food i was so hungry and our table went last cos we were all dumb and drunk and lazy and talking too much i think.

spenny was my dinner date and would not shut up about anything, he tried to debate me on sarah palin (digs her), religion, and other shit ugh, i said i was not able to properly throw down due to my chill pill cocktail then i gave him one to get him to shut up haha while kenny was at the table behind me going oh man i’m SO SORRY RAYMI, so funny (ps great speech k). i actually was fine with spenny and quite amused, he is still looking for a girlfriend so if you are exactly like me send me an email and you can go on a date with him.

HUGE billable hours fan this guy is i can’t even make words happen around robin (who also starred in samir’s movie) the first time i met her she said i was really pretty and i practically fainted.

tasty little burg.

so pretty, not me, her.

TGISunday not monday

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i have to go back and write some more bio cards up for each one, many had F words on them, family place right? i get the walls for two months, wicked. once the crazy of xmas is finished i’ll have a party, and add more paintings. i love you grapefruit moon!

fuck, i was hungry.

so there now you know where it is, 968 bathurst and this street. i wrote about GM before here their food will blow your brains out. (haven’t figured how to quick search old posts in wordpress yet that’s why i linked to blogspot, whatevs.)

then off to switch contemporary to drop off a painting for zeesy‘s fundraiser this wednesday dec 10 (you MUST go see she will be making a live appearance all the way from japan! and you can bid on some amazing art)

obama claus!

so cute.

yuula amazes me.

check ya later.

rush home to get ready for fil’s work party where i pretty much did the complete opposite of all my rules, I DANCED MY HEAD OFF!

this sweater swallowed me up too much in this dress, so i did not wear it after all. i wore my beige cardi for like one second, that place was balls hot.

dropped hat, yo nikes i know you want it if you could just look under there you’d see the hidden treasure beneath.

so frustrating.

banquet food is hit or miss, this was miss.

somewhere in there would be turkey.

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiianne! her sister works with fil omfg quelle surprise! liane is back from shanghai, she was my favourite buddy from my england exchange and now she’s all grown up. i’ve been trying to dig up nerdy pictures of us from back then but can’t remember any search terms i used in the original post. here’s one for now.

then it was snl couch time, i didn’t even drink when we got home cos i obvs got blasted enough on wine at the work party. SMART. don’t worry i wasn’t the only one.

what a day.

then i woke up at 5am in an upset stomach panic remembering every stupid thing i said and did at the work party, refrained from taking a chill pill, an ultra strength tums sufficed. the only thing fil is concerned about me sharing with his coworkers was how cid nuzzles his ear and paws at him like a baby everyday. phew. good thing he didn’t overhear all the other shit i said.

ps. do not fall asleep with a band-aid on you would barf if you saw what my finger looks like right now.


Raymi Getting Ready from Phil Ogynist on Vimeo.

how to not talk about yourself for a nite

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so tomorrow is fil’s christmas work party that i said yes we should attend, one part due to curiosity (what do these people look like?)(and i should let these people see what i look like, it’s only fair) and one part novelty, ok mostly novelty, and yes i am nervous about it. they know his girlfriend of four years is an artist of some sort and a writer with a popular website, they have nagged him for the url and he has been adamant about denying them access. basically i’m going there with zero material, which is great for this situation (not really) when your personality is uh colourful it’s kind of hard to be comfortable in a work atmosphere setting. when they talk shop i am going to be grinning my brains out and nodding so hard i’ll set off the fire alarm. fyi work nerds it is rude to socially alienate your co-worker’s spouse, and i know you don’t do it intentionally, you just have fuck all to say to this stranger. it’s kind of insecure.

i went to a work xmas party of fil’s before a few years ago, different company, i was bigger then and my hair was selma blair short = NO GAME. plus i was wearing a really bad dress. sometimes you think eccentricity will carry you that last mile, and sometimes yes it will and does, but mostly, sorry, it so doesn’t. in this situation especially. no one “gets” your babysitter potato sack dress because their focus exists in the corporate world alone. all they “get” is that you look dumpy and unladylike.

i cannot say the word raymi once tomorrow nite, i get to stumble over my words and accomplishments and what i normally have ten answers for i must tone down to one, or two. luckily at our table there will be a talker, you know you say something about a sprinkler and turns out this person invented irrigation.

your partner’s work function is NOT your place to shine which i guess is the root of my fascination of attending, smile nod, smile wider, show teeth, agree agree agree – because it is the complete opposite of who and what i really am, i feel like i am acting for the nite. i dunno, i get off on uncomfortable situations perhaps?

i feel fraudulent all the time, i feel inadequate all the time, i feel everything all the time, so whatever.

this was supposed to be a goofy little guide now it’s just a note to self, really.

i do not plan to compromise my entire existence don’t worry, i will wear my frye boots with this dress, i don’t know what sweater/shrug to wear with it though, my friend said if i pair my new belted sweater with this i will get cut eye from the office women, don’t know why though, maybe cos it would be bordering on that eccentricity shit i was talking about.

safe topics of discussion are cute/funny non-offensive viral videos on the internet, when someone brings up that fucking lion hugging its long lost owner video, do not say you saw it ten million years ago, subtly fill in the story gaps like you just remembered them yourself. do not talk politics. only do sarah palin impression if fil says so. don’t drink too much. do not dance. period. don’t cry when you see other couples dancing and poke fil incessantly under the table and sternly whisper in his ear about why he NEVER EVER dances with you. when fil says it’s time to go, GO. (i have a problem with instantly liking certain people too much and bonding with them when i first meet them thus swatting away fil’s hand when he gestures it’s time to leave) get drunk on the couch (instead of at the work party) watching snl. good nite.


Meet Green Thing from Green Thing on Vimeo.