who were you after you were mine

didn’t wear this because it was too slutty and apparently we had both agreed on that it was GOOD slutty, then i walk back into the room and fil says you’re wearing that? i was actually glad cos it is so unsausageforgiving especially with tights, bad dinner dress, good dance slutty dress. thanks alicia.

stopped off at nancy’s cheese.

nice paper, what’s in the box?

CUCKOO! though i happily enabled gill‘s obsession further with a cellphone betty charm see:

i also overheard you’re getting a BB tattoo?

new sweater vest, he thinks he needs it in a bigger size and everyone is telling him NO he so doesn’t.

had/have this exact mouse ornament on our tree growing up.

this game has good potential, more than that gun game we could never figure out.

purse fetish, i had no idea gill.

mmmmm st. jorge cheese.

this looks familiar…

on to dinner at sidecar, prix fixe stretches to wednesdays, awesome. our waiter was v dramatic, i asked him if he was a poet.

goro pony i immediately took down after looking at this.

the salmon was great, my flash completely blocked it out so it has a nice shadow. don’t be pissed if you weren’t there this was totally last minute impromptu we were planning to eat alone then figured why not cos brad would be missing out on friday as well as gill.

sitting beside a radiator is not conducive to sweater vests.

they gave us a nice assortment of desserts.

blue cheese cheese cake sort of?

see how powerful the flash is anyway, this is the chocolate they make the mousse from, so rich in this form your face would explode.

yes how flattering, my shade of foundation was out of stock so for the next month or so i’m going to be orange oprah which is the perfect time of year for it too WINTER stand out much!? and oh yeah thanks (SARCASM) mom for convincing me to get the black cardigan in small instead of XS it’s fucking HUGE. i’m glad i didn’t listen to you for the grey one.

HAHAHA you can see RIGHT through my shirt holy tara reid moment.

don’t forget this is going on saturday nite, i have two unspoken for tickets and i am too lazy to make a contest so just email me and tell me why you should be allowed to party with fil and i saturday nite.

Saturday, December 20th, 2008
Windsor Arms Hotel, 18 St. Thomas St. [Bay & Bloor]
$20 advance tickets at www.smirnoff.com OR
$30 at the door


*i just realised i have a plus one for this party someone be my date you have til 6.30 to let me know!*

a pair of winter tights i was planning my outfit around for tonite are too small i am psychotically pissed off a little bit miffed and now i have to come up with some other stupid outfit to feel insecure in. they don’t go up high enough in the crotch, note to self YOUR LEGS ARE TOO LONG FOR A SIZE MEDIUM NO MATTER HOW SKINNY THEY ARE YOU ARE NOT A MEDIUM STOP BUYING MEDIUMS. steph your christmas present from me this year is a pair of black subtly argyle printed tights with some cat hair from cid, ho ho ho.

i have oprah on right now it’s the repeat of the sex and the city cast episode how fucking fascinating. still haven’t seen this totally predictable piece of cinematic drivel but i plan to just so i have more material to complain about. maybe i will “live” “blog” it from sass‘ couch.

guess what there’s more laundry nemesis ONLY FRIEND breakthrough news! i asked if she went to the christmas party and she said no she doesn’t live here (finally got it out of her) and that she wasn’t invited to which i made a frowny-face and said oh we didn’t go either then she said she went to a BETTER party at casino niagara and won five-hundred dollars and everything was paid for it was her birthday (i think whoever she works for in this building paid for her to go) and i reacted very enthusiastically and wished her happy birthday a couple times and said good for you! before all this she said i looked very summery. guys i think i am this close to hugging her please stop me. i wonder if she thinks about me. hahhahahahaha. or looks forward to the one day a week i do laundry.

i have decided to part my bangs pre-sarah palin days and they are so driving me bananananas!

ok dr. phil is on, you are kind of a big heel if you watch this shit and i cannot like you, at all, big deal breaker sorry. there are way too many reasons to list why dr. phil should dr. fuck himself (ps. I personally coin-phrased that term when i was manic) but i will give you one for now – his marriage failed and he gives advice to married couples and they keep going on the show for more of this marriage advice. ok one more reason why he can lick my bag (before the marriage failed) is he yells and points at people when he is delivering this “advice” as if it is law. like yeah great you’re profiting from the exploitation of stupid people and stupid people require advice to be yelled at them but still, YOU’RE ANNOYING ME DR. PHIL! and why do you come on before AND after oprah? ONCE IS ENOUGH! and why do you sit in those high chairs do you know how uncomfortable that makes me, i am nervous for your life when i see you in that high chair and i hate you don’t make me feel feelings for you! those chairs belong in bars only, like the keg where douche yuppies drink stupid drinks until their spirits break GOD!

and now i will plan something stupid to wear thank you for wasting my time.

ok wait i am too annoyed and involved in the saga what is this couple’s marriage to go away yet. wife (female) dresses in drag for fun and goes out. square husband does not jive with this, he just said he does not like gay things, gay culture (ugh). here is my marriage advice that dr. phil is not saying but should: GET A DIVORCE. he says it “hurts” him and is disgusted by it (someone punch his face off) she won’t stop (and why should she?)(her outfits are totally tame too!) so why are you even together in the first place. i swear, stupid people, stupid show if you are watching it right now you are dead to me.

TGISunday not monday

i have to go back and write some more bio cards up for each one, many had F words on them, family place right? i get the walls for two months, wicked. once the crazy of xmas is finished i’ll have a party, and add more paintings. i love you grapefruit moon!

fuck, i was hungry.

so there now you know where it is, 968 bathurst and this street. i wrote about GM before here their food will blow your brains out. (haven’t figured how to quick search old posts in wordpress yet that’s why i linked to blogspot, whatevs.)

then off to switch contemporary to drop off a painting for zeesy‘s fundraiser this wednesday dec 10 (you MUST go see she will be making a live appearance all the way from japan! and you can bid on some amazing art)

obama claus!

so cute.

yuula amazes me.

check ya later.

rush home to get ready for fil’s work party where i pretty much did the complete opposite of all my rules, I DANCED MY HEAD OFF!

this sweater swallowed me up too much in this dress, so i did not wear it after all. i wore my beige cardi for like one second, that place was balls hot.

dropped hat, yo nikes i know you want it if you could just look under there you’d see the hidden treasure beneath.

so frustrating.

banquet food is hit or miss, this was miss.

somewhere in there would be turkey.

liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiianne! her sister works with fil omfg quelle surprise! liane is back from shanghai, she was my favourite buddy from my england exchange and now she’s all grown up. i’ve been trying to dig up nerdy pictures of us from back then but can’t remember any search terms i used in the original post. here’s one for now.

then it was snl couch time, i didn’t even drink when we got home cos i obvs got blasted enough on wine at the work party. SMART. don’t worry i wasn’t the only one.

what a day.

then i woke up at 5am in an upset stomach panic remembering every stupid thing i said and did at the work party, refrained from taking a chill pill, an ultra strength tums sufficed. the only thing fil is concerned about me sharing with his coworkers was how cid nuzzles his ear and paws at him like a baby everyday. phew. good thing he didn’t overhear all the other shit i said.

ps. do not fall asleep with a band-aid on you would barf if you saw what my finger looks like right now.

Raymi Getting Ready from Phil Ogynist on Vimeo.

how to not talk about yourself for a nite

so tomorrow is fil’s christmas work party that i said yes we should attend, one part due to curiosity (what do these people look like?)(and i should let these people see what i look like, it’s only fair) and one part novelty, ok mostly novelty, and yes i am nervous about it. they know his girlfriend of four years is an artist of some sort and a writer with a popular website, they have nagged him for the url and he has been adamant about denying them access. basically i’m going there with zero material, which is great for this situation (not really) when your personality is uh colourful it’s kind of hard to be comfortable in a work atmosphere setting. when they talk shop i am going to be grinning my brains out and nodding so hard i’ll set off the fire alarm. fyi work nerds it is rude to socially alienate your co-worker’s spouse, and i know you don’t do it intentionally, you just have fuck all to say to this stranger. it’s kind of insecure.

i went to a work xmas party of fil’s before a few years ago, different company, i was bigger then and my hair was selma blair short = NO GAME. plus i was wearing a really bad dress. sometimes you think eccentricity will carry you that last mile, and sometimes yes it will and does, but mostly, sorry, it so doesn’t. in this situation especially. no one “gets” your babysitter potato sack dress because their focus exists in the corporate world alone. all they “get” is that you look dumpy and unladylike.

i cannot say the word raymi once tomorrow nite, i get to stumble over my words and accomplishments and what i normally have ten answers for i must tone down to one, or two. luckily at our table there will be a talker, you know you say something about a sprinkler and turns out this person invented irrigation.

your partner’s work function is NOT your place to shine which i guess is the root of my fascination of attending, smile nod, smile wider, show teeth, agree agree agree – because it is the complete opposite of who and what i really am, i feel like i am acting for the nite. i dunno, i get off on uncomfortable situations perhaps?

i feel fraudulent all the time, i feel inadequate all the time, i feel everything all the time, so whatever.

this was supposed to be a goofy little guide now it’s just a note to self, really.

i do not plan to compromise my entire existence don’t worry, i will wear my frye boots with this dress, i don’t know what sweater/shrug to wear with it though, my friend said if i pair my new belted sweater with this i will get cut eye from the office women, don’t know why though, maybe cos it would be bordering on that eccentricity shit i was talking about.

safe topics of discussion are cute/funny non-offensive viral videos on the internet, when someone brings up that fucking lion hugging its long lost owner video, do not say you saw it ten million years ago, subtly fill in the story gaps like you just remembered them yourself. do not talk politics. only do sarah palin impression if fil says so. don’t drink too much. do not dance. period. don’t cry when you see other couples dancing and poke fil incessantly under the table and sternly whisper in his ear about why he NEVER EVER dances with you. when fil says it’s time to go, GO. (i have a problem with instantly liking certain people too much and bonding with them when i first meet them thus swatting away fil’s hand when he gestures it’s time to leave) get drunk on the couch (instead of at the work party) watching snl. good nite.

Meet Green Thing from Green Thing on Vimeo.


i went for an assessment today and it was cleansing, i was super nervous beforehand, but all in all i feel good about it now. i’ve decided to be truthful and not sugar coat things or reveal my website this time though if this person is savvy enough they could just google me – i don’t want it to turn into me performing for an hour from a chair and making zero progress whatsoever. i haven’t had a THE RAPIST in a long time. basically i want to get to the bottom of my anxiety which is a direct result of my drinking which is a direct result of my depression and bipolar mood disorder. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.

a lot of people suffer from anxiety and are ashamed and embarrassed by it, i know sometimes i feel extremely guilty about inconveniencing others so i keep it to myself and that is such a stupid idea. you cannot possibly fix a situation if you hide it and do nothing about it.

here’s the thing, i’m not ashamed of therapy or afraid of it, i do feel a bit sheepish walking into the building though like a fluorescent red arrow is hovering over my head, ugh, but then i get inside and see people far worse off looking than i then i think ok what’s that guy have, crack, methadone addiction, gambling? then i think ok shut up focus on yourself and this magazine and then i look at the models and think yeah she is so on pills, anyway, point being, we are all fucked up in our own special way, so get the fuck over it if you ever want to make anything of your life.

i’ve been self-medicating for years and i realise the drunk glorification cuteness window is pretty much coming to a close, as someone recently told me drinking is now a necessity (for her) which i relate to way too much, so if something isn’t done about it now before my face turns into amy winehouse’s i’m going to be in trouble.

i told the chick (i don’t know what to call her) that i am a functioning alcoholic and that i drink because it’s a part of my lifestyle and that everyone i know drinks and there is always an excuse for it, i want to change but i don’t exactly know how. the time when i was sober was the most depressing most boring time in my life, i don’t see myself as ever being 100% sober, just hopefully very much toned down.

i had to fill out this questionnaire on a computer at the beginning and then at the end of the session we went over it and i got to keep a copy, there’s graphs of my ambivalence toward my addiction, how i get along with people, support from friends and family etc, she said that was good, sometimes that part of the graph is empty for people older than me, at 25 people still have tolerance for your bullshit, but when you’re 40 they’re just like you are on your fuckin’ own dude you crashed my car and pissed in my closet PEACE. anyway, i decided on my own steed to do this and no i haven’t pissed in anyone’s closet haha.

i am seriously freaking out in this picture.

sigh i am a fucking loser, look how close i got to douglas coupland, a huge inspiration of mine, to write and embrace the fucking lunatic that i am, and did i say hi and get him to sign my book, after nine years of being a fan of his?


i have never been so nervous to meet someone before fil said, and it was true, i almost passed out, shit my pants, peed my pants, fainted, blacked out, anxiety attack, nervous breakdown now i understand what you guys are harshin’ through when you meet me.

the former gov. general of canada and ten handfuls of pretentious art groupie yuppies were there. BARF.

fil psyched me out of asking coupland to sign my copy of microserfs, saying it should be about the art. FUCK the art, i’m there for the art because of the books.

we made eye-contact a few times and i would quickly look away or duck behind some gasbag.

thanks for the free drinks though, lifesaver.

fuck there he is again! everyone was hogging his facetime i wasn’t anywhere close to loaded to plough through the douches and claim my moment. i even pre-wrote my url down on a cute piece of stationary for him and wrote something too embarrassing to share here if you need me i will me punching myself in an alley.

i will probably regret this for the rest of my life, don’t worry. we almost didn’t even go, i took my sweet-ass time getting ready and kept saying ok we aren’t going we aren’t going and fil said we are totally for sure going if you are scared we are going EVEN MORE and i said ok i am NOT SCARED then he said ok then lets go! burn on me.

i have pussied out of going to every single book-reading he does here and i say that it is because i am the ultimate fan and i do not pay to meet people no it’s really because i am well yes selfish but mostly, a useless pussy there you go i will understand if you stop reading my blog it’s ok, it was good while it lasted.

way to build it up so much genius next time it will be ten times worse!


the installation is here if you want to see it.

here is my art, i call it, dinner.