I feel as though I’m coming out of a fog

…and like myself again. It feels good to be back but where that is, who knows who cares I have done a lot of pretentious self-reflection self love self care weird fucking things this summer I dunno. I isolated myself. I took’er easy. Any way I will be working my way backward through my phone of the things that are still there on it that I did this summer and the thoughts that I had while doing them and that will be that. In the blink of an eye the season t’was over but it’s not officially done until sept 21 So. There.

Oh my god if you saw the set-up I am dealing with right now to get wifi into my own apartment you would die I am trying so hard not to be a bitch and just roll with it but add loud hammering into the fold louder because my door is wide open to get the signal using a stool as a table and my shoe rack as a mouse pad rest even moving it a fraction to the left cuts it off so where I thought I was on easy street before on my micro-kitchen counter…I download netflix movies from my account so that I can binge them in bed by nightfall I am too annoyed and embarrassed to show a picture here I sent one to Marie and she was like girlllll get Rogers I didn’t want to get into it here! but maybe the secret to maintaining an audience (like women in China livestreaming do) is to complain and share every fucking mundane thing that I roll my eyes at other people sharing on Facebook and yet… read every goddamn bit of it myself.

I have been back in the city a couple weeks now? Going on week 3? I spent a month abouts in Burlington, from Wasaga, to Oakville and all I had packed were bathingsuits and one pair of shorts that I wore all summer LMFAO… anyway we will get back to that. But anyway since I have been home in Toronto NO WIFI. The Super was my wifi hookup and he moved out. I refuse to spend one more fucking dime on anything period in this city if I can help it especially since there is pre-existing wifi in our building already this whole time unbeknownst to me, and a strong signal at that if you can bloody reach it, or speed, at least when my door is open and I am perched over my laptop like an arachnid from District 9 (look it up) my fucking back is killing me bruh.

Now I can bundle my phone package with internet right? Wrong. But then the guy at rogers is like wait I can get you a good deal. Brother man fuck you. Don’t act all back door special with me I have had my account since I was 19, I am 36, do the math I am paying you way too fucking much already. Even if I bit the bullet we still need to figure out where the fuck to install it in this old-ass building. Why the hell would I even go get my own modem when it’s already here and we just need an extender on the existing modem down the fucking hall from me I can see right now I am legit on my last nerve — fix this yesterday. Was told will just go by the computer store on College 2 weeks ago and it hasn’t happened I am beyond pissed. I am also SICK of having my door OPEN – it isn’t safe. Maintenance dudes keep looking in AT me too as a bonus while I am typing here on a stool. I will probably delete this but I needed to explode. I am annoying them they are annoying me. They can hear my same twenty songs I play over and over.

Other than that I am doing great and very happy ahhaha sorry! Not lying.

I am glad with the things in my life that I do which make me happier at a later point in time when I look at my photos and in the moment I have this obsessive compulsion to capture and hoard experiences and then self-reflect maybe share a fraction of my adventures later on I have been doing this for the majority of my life it is my truth and it’s how I sought to attract my tribe, anyone, who would listen to and see me.

I see poets as roving packs of magic creatures, demented, lovingly so besought by their wariness and experience I eat it up. I fill my head up with so much fantasy to self-preserve and contain my way, in which I need to constantly justify my nature? Truth be told I am comfortable in who I am, arrogant, and also afraid. It is an adrenaline at your backside. Think twenty minutes of anxiety every twenty minutes and that is how I live.

you have to make amends with everything before you can suffer nothing before you can be everything you ever wanted to be.

We’re always thinking of little schemes and ideas for me to hone my talents which are so fucking good like a how to online date thing where I tell newbs what to watch out for because let me tell ya I have been a bible of wisdom for my squad in their new time of swipings prime of recent.

I just have this life I dreamt of before when i was so enamoured by hipsterism kooky aesthetic and am now trapped by it because living in Toronto is so expensive when I leave this place they will slap paint on and charge $2000 for it so I am like fighting the man and the power and everyone always anywhere anytime.

I need my mister dress-up lifestyle I look to other institution peoples like myself in Toronto, how they are fairing, and some have all become lampoons of themselves by design, by necessity, and by need to survive. We all have had our own successes, failures, fall-backs. BUT most importantly COMEBACKS and I am here for it! I so support my fellow Toronto celebs my music industry pals who helped MAKE ME. ILU 4EVR #Gratitude #blessed.

NOW on to my next annoying topic to rant about which is purely self-inflicted toxicity of my own actions embedded deep within a place of my disgusting vanity and vulgur as it is I find it hard to justify looking pale in the winter time I am only angry at myself for not freezing my account for two months of the summer such waste throwing money in the garbage and tanning salons are crooks in the bests of times you have to show up and do paperwork like a gym like uhhm no one has time to even consider the sheer terror of that.

Perhaps you find what I find in this blog style vein of an art-form to be antiquated, outlandish out of style but it is normal to me. I never knew but of anything else and to even fucking second guess it is a travesty.

How greedy with your time are you? Because I am so far gone indulgent with mine I was JOMO before that ever existed like putting your state of being in a physical valium existence this is what Netflix does to us today it’s just too good too easy to watch through a cinematic lens parallel to our facebook landscape connections to those we knew years ago.

And getting back to basics of doing irl things is utterly amazing. As an adventure thrill-seeker you fill the chambers of the void with constant doing the older you get because you finally know and fear and realize how limited time truly is.

Nothing makes me feel more emotional, more poetic, more depressed, than autumn. If it were a person I would punch it in the face, buy it drinks, and ghost it. Because you know what comes next. Sacrifices are fun and all unless you’re the cat on the pyre. Winter is LONG. I think the majority of my blog posts are about how much I fucking hate winter. Wow.

I’ll just take a sec to switch gears here and breathe.. LOL.

Nothing bothers me but everything makes me insane.

Relate?

I come up with these lines all day long I wish I would just write them down make a set out of them. This is the start. This is a preclude to a podcast.

the things that you admire, inspire, and you let shine out through and you remember that moment again and what it reminded you of so sweetly, to begin with.

If you want to go somewhere from 1909 go to Allan Gardens. Bring a b cup, a marie antoinette glass (coup glass) cos she had b cup sized tits ha ha I love that!

Took in two softball games ate shawarmas it was lovely.

It got cold though. Made do.

All in all a great summer it has been. I went all over and was a beach bum as much as poss.

SO here is the story of my Christmas blanket. Since nobody asked. Two Christmas parties ago I was a marketer for an agency and I lost my receipt for all the Christmas crap I bought for the Christmas staff party and they were like Raymi we can’t reimburse you for that so I was like fine THIS BLANKET IS MINE NOW plus all these elves. lmao.

I left behind lots of shit there is no love lost I just think it’s funny. I bought it for this couch we had in the office Tess suggested I cover it up with something as a last ditch effort Dollarama came through. Those girls loved me Valentines day Easter St Patricks Christmas Canada day Halloween those were good times sigh. I’d go to Dollarama her beside my place before work and pick out fun ass things to put together on display for instagram and clients and candy for the team for morale.

See that bee.

They were everywhere.

I went to pee and came back with crayons and we had a colouring contest had a girl impartially judge who was better and we won against my boy Troy sorrryyyyyyyyy we only had three colours to work with.

Love this beach, bish.

We found a discarded bubble disc I have no other way of knowing how to describe it but anyway it was essentially a frisbee so we tossed it back and forth until it broke for a good 20 minutes I stood on top of the rock formation because it was the last place the sun was hitting and it was such a perfect game of frizz I felt like an Olympian all these moments I shotgun to my heart to get me through winter my least spirit animal.

So happy to live so close to here.

and to here.

So centrally located to many places it’s why I live where I live and I take it because it’s a gem and when I lived in the beaches I felt the same melancholy temporariness that it was living anywhere in Toronto but I am grateful for what I have right now so that’s that! It’s fucking cool it’s unique it speaks to my eccentricities my lone wolfism fuck yeah no roommates.

Oh lord I uploaded way too many photos than actually wanted to deal with so lets to be continued this never-ending story for now thanks guys see ya.

Eloraymi

Hey pals! Just trying to get back into the groove of blogging (writing about myself tirelessly) again and regain some semblance of a regular schedule here. I mean, I adore bonbons and Netflix a lot but as a capable and intelligent young(ish) woman I’m aspose to just produce MORE and offer up milestones plus all the horseshit that comes along with the “rat race” like the rest of ‘em. Gag me.

The sooner you realize that no one gives an actual shit about what you do, the happier we will all be. I mean, they care about what I am doing lol but I mean in general the collective spinning of wheels in the pursuit to showcase an exciting rapid pace life to fill the endless void of attention-seeking neediness about the things you don’t actually care about in a moment that is wiped away 24 hours later from your instagram stories WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

You shun me I shun you back. I do not find you interesting. As the years pass it just gets more laughable to me. I have been more of a spectator rather than participator these days. I mean I am addicted to my social media as much as the next gal, but I enjoy going dark. But do I just say that to make myself feel better? no. I have consistently towed toed a line of caring and extra not caring and just indulging myself with my own interests. Every one knows when you’re fake-excited so just stop.

When I sit down here to write I have a few general talking points floating around to get to from months of accrued thoughts overall — from so much time containing them. No output makes me a lunatic, likely. If you can’t spit it out where is the therapy in that?

I think some people need to do a lot. They need to be needed but mostly need to be SEEN as busy. This summer it hit me that I don’t want any of that. Where people think they’re not doing enough I am over here of the mindset FUCK THAT I want to do as little as possible instead. Doing too much how about doing less. You’re doing too much bro. It was just a funny thought that I had. I also like being a bumpkin going off the grid because Toronto is toxic to me it’s like a cousin you will always be related to and have in your life and I think I am just preparing myself for working my ass off again, biding my time with it. Also there’s those who need to show their time off as a trophy like you’re STILL doing the thing that is wrong for you if you’re gloating about the thing.

I just need to be free and feel unencumbered from absolutely everything we can’t escape who we are we just have to embrace it. Summer makes me feel freedom the most that’s why all the pumpkin spice cunts can literally shut the fuck up I don’t care about your fashion which you only like autumn for so you can cover up your body. Fall is claustrophobic and short, winter is long and even more so stir crazy makings-of so as Canadians WHY are you stupidly celebrating this fucking shit!

I try to live out loud, play, be crazy and free-spirited as hard as I can because typically most of the time I am super majorly depressed. In a sense. The balance is there you just see the fun parts. I know many people like this and in some the youthful spirit doesn’t extinguish, ever, and I should hope not so. One friend of mine says she is the saddest and most fun person and is constantly playing and having fun to compensate. She is also a stand-up comedian and we all know how depressed comics are, so, but yeah we were discussing this together and I said I had a line I was going to drop in my blog about how normally we are very depressed people so this is why we laugh and play to attempt happiness for ourselves. I have this one nasty fucking bitch who has been stalking me for over 15 years online and I noticed a few shots she took at myself and my mother for a week’s vacation this summer like for someone who has been haunting my life for so long you would think they’d get it by now, how I operate and why I operate.

My hair grew ten sizes that day!

Anyway when I write these things I feel great I feel relief then I feel exposed and then I forget half the things I said and then I panic about the things that I did. I blogged two days ago for the first time since May and my traffic exploded. It was very validating but then I was like I bet no one even read it and it was the picture I used on Facebook that made these idiots come in droves. The point is don’t let your mind eat itself like that. Just do your thing and know that it’s appreciated and for the other half hate-watching for sport, hi sweetie!

My body image is doing great right now thanks fam. I mean, I have fully let myself go a little but it’s ok I am okay the world keeps spinning. I used to be so hyper focused on my looks my fat ratio and what with being a blogger and having to show pics of myself looking as lithe as possible from all angles, I just, got over it. Not saying I don’t have issues but in the above photo it’s not the most flattering but I look pretty cute and I’m smiling plus happy so that wins. I still get trolled and I bet I’ll get some nasty ones on this post “who cares about what a fugly old washed up cunt has to say” I can put money down on it, the internet is a vicious place it can be ego-shattering if you let it. Also, you let in all these creepy people too when you open up and expose your life. I try to share as much as I can up to a point. I am guarded and protective of certain areas because its blown up in my face before so fool me a billion times no more.

I love it here. I stuck a jr. mint up my nose in Elora as a teen to make my brother laugh and couldn’t get it back out again thus it melted and burst in my nose and down my nasal passage and burnt terribly. I cannot stand chocolate mint as a result or junior mints ever again. This story is a family classic and I mention it because it happened in Elora so I think about that when I think of Elora.

This is Fergus, it’s just as gorgeous. River p0rn everywhere.

There is a bar called the goofy newfie over-looking this so you must check it out.

This summer I have really embraced my hick side. Like. Full on, no irony, straight-up yeehaw listening to country music even and shit! I went to a trailer park for a baseball tourny and slept in a tent that was a most wild long weekend oh Christ but anyway the city is too much city sometimes and I have always been addicted to escapes. I am like a dog if you don’t take me for car rides I will pee on the floor. Essentially.

I LOVE IT.

Oh hai.

Obviously someone from Ontario had to have the big dix plate who okayed that?

Crushed this burg so hard on the way back.

Our waitress was such a salt of the earth pleasure to converse with and told us how to get to the quarry. She said she hadn’t been since she was 17 years old when she jumped off the cliff because she was in love with a boy (said his name I forget) waiting for her below in the water but the way it just came right out of her like that and how it didn’t work because he didn’t become her boyfriend in the end. I wished my mom was there she would have talked this woman’s face off.

Okay that’s my cue gonna hit the w33d store and drop off a painting at a fancy hotel yes I am interesting like that I have big name art collectors flying in to pick up my art lmao.

Cheryl also owns my Saddam painting. Before the economy tanked years ago when I was more of a household name, people bought art, so I made art and I sold art.

Goodbye Evita Peron (as played by Madonna) you will be missed but enjoy your new home!!

Tomorrow is 9/11 anniversary I usually say something about it as I lived there when it happened and I am still fucked up from it and also fucked up from hearing people’s modern day conspiracy theories about it and getting in fights with them about how stupid and insensitive they are but anyway I will be spending the day with someone special and I won’t be alone and for that I am grateful. Sayonara for now xo.

Summer of Raymi

Haaaay m’f’ers, Captain Canadurr back hurr again to rap with ya a (hot) minute. I’d apologize for my absence but that’d be full up lyin’ I mostly just apologize to my damn self for slagging and lagging BUT I figure it would be okay to bide my time in a re-emergence. It’s quite alright I’m a pariah and I know it, its always been my bag of tricks.

So, in no particular order here’s some beauties from my phone from the distillery over the weekend. Everyone says how much the summer flew by and boy did it flew. I’m going to dump a bunch of highlights here before I accidentally delete them all (and I want you to love me again) like my phone started doing earlier today…. WHAT PANIC!! Enjoy, hold on tight.

Love a black light.

Imagine the flavour of the corn tortillas jammed with onions and this sliced up steak ahh gadd beside a fire and open air patio…

With this above your head. I personally love that shit.

Ahi tuna ceviche with watermelon.

I have much history with this corridor in the Distillery but it has been a moment since reacquainting myself to the light box display of ancient boozes that are just so endearing and far-off fantastical fantasy-making.

In fact I feel fortunate to live a 5 min walk from this runaway from modern life reality attraction.

With cute art installation crowd sourced projects everywhere abound.

OOOOoooh shade.

beauty. enchanting, how so.

Kinda wish was posting about Elora right now but will have to wait til next post.

Still very cute Toronto.

whoops I’d say this doesn’t happen all the time but, it does ha-ha.

Lora..luh luh luh luh …Elora. til next time thanks for stopping in.