memory lame

Your hero, aged 20, Williamsburg Brooklyn.

What’s up ya frigfaces? Cool that’s great I don’t care. Listen. My friend Jamie sent a huge file of photos I sent him years ago when I was having a meltdown. I wanted him to have my legacy in case I died. He said I thought I was going to die and I probably was from living on the edge, guy. Anyway, I finally downloaded the transfer and was met with images of my young ass self and you just gotta see it too because now I’m an adult (more or less) and can somewhat bravely voice a few things that were going on at the time in my life, until Jared gets here and then it’s boylord time.

I visited Jamie in NYC during a pretty depressed period in my life. I did get better of course, not too far after this visit but I do remember the things going on in my miserable head at the time and feeling hopeless and no way in hell could I picture the future, my future.

Nothing made me happy. That drink? Maybe it kind of worked because we went for Raymaoke after this. I had to get Jamie a chocolate bar because his blood sugar was low, that was a little exciting. He has diabetes.

I didn’t like my body at all, I felt like a blob. Now I would kill to look that young in the face again. I marvel at these pictures because I am such a clueless dumbass. My groove was slowly coming back to me.

We took so many pictures with his digital camera we really Raymi’d out and I was thinking at this point no one really did that with digi cameras how insane and annoying were we to that woman and any other people in this old man bedford ave bar?

Cigarette machine. These are old old pics.

My pupils are majorly dilated. Was not smoking weed. I couldn’t, it made me paranoid. I think I was kind of on meds here but I was secretly not taking them. When you have dysthymia and a huge intelligence base like I, you know deep down that medicine will not help your mind and that the depression is just something etched in your brain. Exercise and being proactive about your life is how you combat the blues. I went to New York City and I barely left the loft. I was a creature trapped in my own misery. What did I even do all day there was no tumblr or youtube parties of 1. I read. I looked out the window. I hated how I looked so I barely took selfies. Jamie is a good guy for tolerating me, he’s kind of sad like me too and gets it.

That Queen shirt was like my uniform too, anything to hide how out of shape I was. At that time I am ten pounds lighter than I am today and look at how body proud I am these days plus eleven years older. This series of pics are such a treasure to me for so many reasons. There are so many more secrets I can’t but want to tell you about them but people like my mom’s voice in my head scare me from being a blabbermouth like I actually hugely want to be about it. I think the story is too powerful for a blog perhaps. It’s more for a book and I am pretty sure it could help some people.

I actually thought that my life was over here. I could not envision a future, I just thought I was destined to fade out, walking around a livingroom all day everyday like a shut-in and the thought really depressed me. Tumblr wasn’t around then. I couldn’t blog much because all of my experiences revolved around my recent past which I wasn’t supposed to at all be thinking about or revisitting and all those characters, I felt a lot of eyes on me and so I just clammed up. I would blog like once a month and it would be a one sentence paragraph about seeing a movie, and it was a kind of boring movie. Bahahha how wrist slitty fucking fuck.

I tried though. I tried to fake it or make the old me happen, the spark. Years and years later one of my friends from that crowd of people who surrounded me as I was losing my mind and my blog was blowing up, he said I was no longer special anymore or exceptional (I was 24 when we had this conversation) like the magic and power of me that first hit was because I was so young. People took advantage of me and I let them. I thought I was a big star and we were a movement. I feel like if I was surrounded by healthier folk and more nurtured that things back then could have gone a lot better but part of the appeal of me was the trainwreck. I put my family through hell and back. I think there are people in this world sometimes who are born to be big and all of the resulting energies surrounding them get sucked into the eye of the tornado of that person’s everything. Look at Warhol for example, you know what I mean. It’s exhausting, this constant need to achieve to go for it go towards it. It can make you crazy. It does make you crazy.

Like right now tbh I feel a little crazy. But I feel okay too. I feel like the next moves in my Raymi world are going to be game changing and risky and that I have to be really brave and strong right now, block out the haters and all the voices in my head psyching me out. I think my thinking drives me nuts. Being gifted is a blessing, you get so many ideas and hilarious concepts but you over-analyze like an idiot.

Each picture of me is boringly the same and yet different. I would not take pictures of my face like this today that’s for sure.

I wonder what songs I played. In Canada we don’t have to put bars in front of our jukebox machines.

Bangs had always been a huge part of my life. Bangs always bangs. So much time on bangs. Making them look good. If it was a bad bangs day it was not a good day and there were lots of bad bangs days. Why so glum chum oh I dunno because a broom is resting on my fucking face.

Everytime I dyed my hair black it meant I was back in business. Like I had made some mental war declaration on owning my shit because after this I got really skinny and conceited which will be written about in my SIX MONTHS IN MANSIONS tell-all someday. Live an insane life then write separate books for each period. Like maybe I’ll write children’s books based on my childhood lonerisms, pretending to be a teacher to my stuffed animals and even stamping my books because I also ran a library. Pretty sure loner girls would love the fuck out of that! And did I brag about the time I made a little booklet for a little German girl while I was in Mexico during a thunderstorm, all the guests were playing games and drinking waiting out the storm. Her father emailed me a week or so later and said she brings that little book everywhere with her, adores it, adores me, am I a mother or a babysitter teacher something or other because I am so great with kids. Remind me to look into freezing my eggs, I’m serious.

So, the moral of this story is, be sad but be glad because eventually you will be rad.

Just sing your best song and force at least one stranger to congratulate you because you sang it so good. Don’t be a hero just sing what you know you can sing. Like house of the rising sun, any man or woman can sound good singing it that is totally definitely what I was singing here. I probably sang 4 more times too.

Then I had some goldfish from my journey to the store to save Jamie’s life and picked at my teenage acne face in the karaoke darkness. Do what you gotta do to get through.

Jamie and Deb are happily married now and he still kinda blogs. I would say writes. He still writes. I’ll do another series soon because I only looked in one folder he sent.

Sadness can be pretty. Do you know how many people thought I was slavic, polish, russian, something all the time with that hairstyle? I think I somewhat encouraged it. I don’t think I ever wanted to be myself. Wow what is this cognitive therapy I am sharing so much.

Yes I eventually threw those shoes out, so gross. But then I tried to look for them again and was upset.

Bonus picture! Those bangs! This is my hair growing out from how short it was. Do not make bangs when you are in this stage you will look like an alien turd.

Before all that I was an online model. I’m afraid to tell you what my name was because I fear people can go digging and find things I wanna keep buried.

I smoked a j with Olivia Chow this night. I got in a circle of passage right after her. Cool woman. We all knew she was coming, this was an older U of T crowd. I was all, who the fuck is Olivia Chow? Sounds important I better stick around! Also my tropical drink name won a prize, I have no recollection what it was. I also wiped out on my bike on Dundas we were off to go dancing. Toronto girls are tough mang.

This is the shortest my hair got. I blame Milla Jovovich and Charlize Theron my two female cinematic heroes at the time plus people said I kinda looked like Milla. Welp guess what NOPE! More like Rod Stewart and a bird.

17, South Kensington London UK. What my hair first looked like when I cut it. I think every kid at some point has to destroy their hair you just have to know what it’s like to have really short spiked hair I guess.

Oh and my Queen shirt is taking up residence now with good ol Stephy.

Jared’s here bye!

babe it up baby

Hi it’s me again having a good day? The sky is raining snow at mach ten right now. I just heard a multitude of ducks quacking like bananas down on the water while I let Rocky chew on the dry dead grass plant that has been his bff since autumn/all season long and it’s thirsty throwback Thursday holla!

I googled “ooh ooh jock .gif” to get that one. I was hoping to somehow find a particular gif (with noise like that is even real haha you are dreaming) of when you go, “ooh ooh” but not sex ooh ooh ugh nevermind!!!! I will just have to record it sometime never.

I did laundry and could not resist trying these on all folded crisp and tiny like. I was glum yesterday and told myself once I shower do my hair paint my face you will get into these tiny fucking shorts and take ass selfies to cheer yourself up.

Haha diaperish. I was bigger when I got these while in Aruba. I went to Aruba twice in my life, the first time as a beanpole the second time MEGA JUICY.

I am not eating or sleeping right now so I am looking hella tired and not eating affects my over all well being mentally, but I just don’t have an appetite which happens when I am consumed by stress. I was born looking hella tired. Actually one day last week I actually looked good I think. I don’t think I will ever accept or embrace the french girl dark under eye shadow. I read an awful comment about me the other day that was half totally untrue and extremely extremely bashing of my looks. That’s why I cringe when people attack what’s her face from Sex and the City, SJP. “Horseface”?? How dare you. Not true. Sure it blew my mind with mystery when I saw her in that Vegas movie many years ago and truly gave me hope because of her fucked up nose because I have a fucked up nose but guess what!? Fucked up nosese are nice, people! That Chelsea chick from Brooklyn 99 has one too. I knew a girl who had a crazy nose back when I was in Brooklyn who reminds me of Brooklyn 99 chick and she made me seethingly jealous because when I came onto the scene this particular big nosed chick became extra nice to my older boyfriend whom she had fucked a month or so before me so in girl older woman world, she owned him more. Anyway, anyway, hella big nose love over here and if you have a fucked up nose you are totally welcome here too. You would not even believe the extremely racist nickname my Uncle had in highschool because of his nose. I am more concerned with under eye bags than noses though. Your nose and ears keep growing as you age so we are all fucked anyway.

End of nose rant.

I bought this blue shirt on Sunday. The beige cardi is a more expensive version of a cardigan I already own but is kinda dingey now. People always repeat buy the same things for years and years.

Sorry for being a downer. Exercising and socialization always helps. I remember when I never exercised and always complained on my blog about how fat I was but did nothing about it. Some people never get it and never learn. You have ot take charge of your shit.

My throwback contribution. I was thinking I liked how I looked and I was proud of it but I can’t show my nipples here it’s just too much too improper to people who think they’re super fucking proper but no matter what I’ll get slagged for daring to be narcissistic. It’s not about being nude it’s about being preened and proud that makes people irate. I can picture several women I knew in irl, one in particular actually who was always a mega hater of me, super bitchy to all women in fact and is notorious for how nasty she was to other women and she was always super passive aggressive toward me. She obsessively read my blog too. God my blood is boiling now thinking about all of this and I bet hers sure as shit is. I bet she would fight me in a cage she hates me so goddamn much God it’s great to let this all out. Why should I be afraid to? I don’t know. You don’t know which person I’m talking about so whatever I am dead to that entire circle anyway once I split with my ex. Poof.

I was younger than all those guys anyway too and I know I am “not young” now, but I’m still younger so I can still post bedroom selfies because it’s my bedroom and not a succession of men’s bedrooms. Also I will be moving soon. News bomb. I will miss my room and my epic view of the lake from it. Time to slowly make my move back toward Toronto.

New buddy!

Had all you can eat and was stuffed after the first round we ordered. Bf got a new job, we will be seeing less of each other which is likely the key to bumming me out. Well it’s part of it.

Never a dull moment which is likely the problem!

Spiritually and habitually yours, RLW.

Party on ello!

whiner Wednesday

Happy Wednesday! The sun is shining bright and burning in my eyes, it’s pretty alright better than grey skies where the entire world feels encased in smog, ash, winter clouds with floating Eeyore’s. With a name like that how can you be anything but depressed? Speaking of which, it’s mental illness awareness day #bellletstalk which has always been kind of black comedy to this guy – thanks for inventing a depressing theme day during such a depressing month. I guess if it was during the summer no one would care because sunshine. And wow what a depressing caption for an amazing photo of these two ladies (hi Casie!) and I whoops!

Lauren threw a housewarming jam with her bf and got all us kids back together for a reunion, well for me it was a reunion because I never go anywhere or see people but it was a sweet time and can’t believe it is such old news already c’est la vie!

I cannot even believe that I have not blogged this photo I milked the hell out of as a facebook profile last week or so. All these social platforms and instagram selfies my mind is getting too old and cluttered to efficiently process, like a robot breaking down on the assembly line.

Unless I am having a stroke in which case I have blogged these before. Glad we could sort this out so openly together.

Dieting kind of makes you mental. You really have to have a good back swing for every thought that goes through your mind which usually tends to center around seeking comfort in forms of eating or drinking. I kind of started drinking again, not a lot, but just kind of threw in the towel in exasperation and because I had dried out I notice the difference in happiness factor like night and day from drinking and not drinking. I am starting to stress myself more and more because I have a clock on me with this getting fit thing I’m doing so basically dieting is a headfuck, not drinking and/or drinking is a headfuck – combine the two and you’re one fine blended walking emotional disaster case who is most definitely p-m-essing too oh great so there you have it, the fine use of blogging at its, well, finest.

It was a super fun time. I think I get sad when I don’t have enough fun. But adults are not allowed to have fun because life is not about fun all the time which I disagree with so I feel constantly at odds. If your blog is about fun and you’re not actually having fun then you are pretty much fucked til it’s funtown again I don’t make the rules I just kind of abide by them.

I bought this postcard because I know a girl who has an instagram account with this name she’s friends with my friends blah blah. She died last week. Super sad. It’s kind of a wake up call, for some of us our lives are shorter on this earth so we should probably just live our lives exactly as we like and not be afraid of haters, who come in all shapes and forms. I am probably my own biggest hater and you are yours. I’d rather be my own champion. I’m trying. RIP Meg. You were full of so much light.

I’m as sensitive as a flea. A glass of pop (killer band name fyi) can really lift me up and is considered a treat to most, a cheaty treat and sometimes necessary. Sorry but I must tweet that I am enjoying a full sugar beverage right now the world must know.

I had two nightmares that I awoke from this morning, the second one I just didn’t bother trying to get back to sleep so I have been awake for awhile. So tired. Going to pump some iron and Raymi aerobics after I blob.

Ha thank you Jules.

Time to dye my cousin it hair again soon.

Lots of hatitude lately.

I finally used this bag. I likey.

Well, I see this post as going nowhere so I’ll wrap it up and get to other things now. Have a chill Wednesday.

don’t like it don’t care

Hey guys!

Sorry but yesterday I just “couldn’t even” and today I kinda feel the same but that’s fine because I bet a lot of people can’t even with my blog somedays anyway.

(I came up with that joke in the kitchen a billion hours ago).

I always feel like sharing negative news with the world is damaging because it bums people out, literally, twitter followers reduce because THEY CANNOT DEAL #feelings.

Which sucks for the sufferer because there is no outlet, no relief gasket, or pea trap (you like that one?) but if you let it out you just feel even worse because there it is staring you in the face.

Although I do enjoy getting sympathy greedily from others no matter how much it makes me look like a baby, well, I do not like that. I like to look about 20 years old tbh.

Speaking of, hi mtv kids it’s like 3 years since I was on that broadcast of Creeps and I look like this now.

Jk obvi. is that mean? Can you be mean anymore? If it’s just pretend for like 2 seconds (for forever on the internet).

A fullblown cougar is what I actually look like that’s right watch out.

FUCK I wrote all this before my blog got wiped out (host, server, something) and then I really almost lost it there so I am going to just hit publish now and go eat lunch before I have a meltdown with my new lady friend who lives in Burlington and has for all this time, local people for the win!

ps. I am still OCD on ello don’t forget like I’d let ya.

never blog when people are over

Hey guys. Sorry for sounding like an idiot yesterday. I am only apologizing for yesterday and not for any other day I was an idiot, take what you can get.

Jules came over and my other friend came over and we were blabberfaces seriously non-stop from the moment she walked in til the moment she left I don’t even recall if I took a breath once holy hyperactive. When friend 3 arrived with some Coronas it was all over from that point. Yeah yeah I drank. It sucks when social things appear and all you want is beer. The upside is I am a wastecase after only one and there is no chance in Hell I can go back to drinking like I used to. It’s out of my system again so I doubt I’ll drink again for at least 2 more weeks yet. Yes. Two whole new weeks of boozefree day ___ status updates that make you want to rip your (or my) hair out! Don’t like it don’t read it ya silly goose. If you can’t stand me anymore, why are you here still ding dong? Something Little Raymis have been wondering for more than a decade now.

Be enthralled that I blog here at all anymore cos I don’t want to be wasting precious ello moments responding to people I don’t know with smiley faces and “I know right’s” I was worried I blew it by mentioning it too much cos the follow numbers started slowing down yesterday and leveling off but I guess people need to sleep at some point no.

You know when you see your out of town friend when they’re in town and then that’s it? You did your friend duty? But then you hang and you both agree you need to do that again before they leave? That is known as a friendship success!

No matter the 8 year age difference between us we are exactly the same maturity level. I’m gonna have to make some new younger friends from the mall food court once she leaves ew how creepy is that haha. See how profile pics have a weird grey line down the side of my photos? That’s fom my phone. Time to start using my real camera. Habits are hard to break.

This Kid Rock looking guy who was serenading Emma’s last night chose ME to stare and fixate on during his whole set, I mean, bubbly loud Jules certainly helped with that but I was like at the point of fullblown conceit from the attention and needed to check out my face situation. I think Kid Rock likes girls in long hair with hats. Guys are pretty simple like that.

It would be nice if that mirror was clean and the garbage wasn’t there.

I don’t know what it is but sometimes I really enjoy looking melancholy. Except for when I truly AM melancholy I do not like the world to know at all.

This is my I’m a big masculine looking stud face. You know you would. Make use of what the good Lord gave ya.

Almost killed myself yesterday from eating an undercooked egg. The soft boiling of an egg is a delicate procedure when you are a Raymi Lauren.

I have the face of a villain. I am destined to play one someday. I was cast as Scrooge when I was in elem school. I play a good yelly boss asshole type everyone who knows me and can’t stand my bitchy shrill voice IRL would agree. I think that’s why I’m a born leader because I can project my voice and out bulldog someone else who is also an alpha. When I hear stories about people not sticking up for themselves because they have nice gentle shy meek voices it makes my blood boil like I need to fiercely fight their battle for them and get them what they want/deserve out of life because some tyrant or other is taking advantage.

At 5am I had a jerk chicken bathroom issue. Normally my body metabolizes and proces spice better but not this time. I think with beer nothing sticks to you it’s all fire and reckoning ahh gadd that sucked haha.

I kept saying omg doesn’t it look like me at first glance. No one agreed once but it didn’t stop me from pointing it out ten more times at least more like yeah I wish I looked like that. Being a mature adult person is being able to admit that you are not the hottest. That’s why when I lived in Holland one of my favourite shows was HOTTER THAN MY DAUGHTER. Gahah can you believe that, what an awful mother right however, the concept was the daughters actually dress like garbage trash slobs which automatically make the moms hotter. Sometimes though it gets a little Maury Povich. Dutch sister would have to translate for me the whole time though.

I made fun of Jules’ busted docs and she made fun of mine. Fair is fair.

She put on all my hats, looked like Chef Boyardee and woke up like that with her curls.

My thumbnail is torn off now. Back to the drawingboard.

I don’t think I posted this normal version one yet there enjoy.

This was the day those nails went to shit.

This was the day I gave Erykah Badu a run for the money.

Back to innapropes! God I need a life. No wait I have one it’s sepdning time hunched over a laptop curating pop culture insanity.

Just weighed myself on my home scale and am lighter than have ever seen. The scale at my place and my bf’s has a differnce of ten pounds.

Okay I am tired of this now. Jared’s coming over today for a Boylord afternoon.

This is how I typically look before instagram filtration has its way with me.

See you around cool guys!

Love this song right now.

viewing in real time

HI I’m blowing up on Ello that is all! Hard work pays off! When you sign up for ello I’m one of the suggested profiles to follow. I hope this gets me hired somewhere. I only talk about it incessantly because it FEELS GOOD BRUH. Like this tiny pocket of glitter and sprinkles and smiling faces at you when everyone else is so what these people are like GIVE ME MORE. New audience! Dutch ex bf said if I hit over 10,000 that’s when things happen. Product seeding? F yeah! Here is how I won the internet a little,

Open up say awwwwwww!

Also I am still body obsessed working out. In one month you will see why.

Jules is over too!