I am going to build you a Mansion of Bubbles

Do you want to hear some of my dirty (and other) stand-up material?

Okay! This post is 18+ so if you “adults” who have kids and don’t like it, you should be monitoring them more closely and stop blaming shit on me.

I think you should do something that really terrifies you at least every week and at the very least, everyday. I do something that terrifies me daily it’s called WAKING UP!

So my boyfriend is like a retarded zombie baby after he cums he’s like unnngh zaaaaaaa awwwwhh oghhh super clumsy, un-co-ordinated to all hell and usually hits his shin on the coffeetable or knocks everything off of it, drinks, stuff you DON’T want on the floor and it astounds me how someone can completely lose control of all senses like that after ejaculating like an actual lobotomy occurred it is infuriating to lie there trapped and your boyfriend is a giant moaning mummy zombie towering over you while crashing in to ev-ery-thing! We bang on the couch too because I am a lazy blob sloth (pre-coital) and eventually become one with the couch after hours of horizontal surfing on it during a marathon of movies and tv streamed online hooked in to the big screen. Yeah yeah sloth life lemme hear it for ya!

The most inconsiderate thing he does is leave cum towels everywhere though, placed back safely where they were exactly as is, previously as the cum-less towels they once were so it ensures that I get an after-math face-full of semen or handful or it’s the gift that keeps on giving days later when it dries and scrapes a constellation of scratch marks across my fucking face. I will let you imagine the scope of rage and punishment following these smooth moves.

I swear to god last night was the penultimate one as he stuffed the towel back into the bannister, where I had put it before in the exact same way to tell the world this is my towel I put it here in this weird territorial way so he thought he was helping? Maybe? By making it look like it HAD NEVER BEEN TOUCHED like a human pawing a bird’s nest oh you best baleeve they abandon that shit but only as I was upstairs in the rich dark blackness as I shed the rolls and folds of my towlie and obviously I am naked so why not make a day of it and just drape that thing ALL OVER MA-SELF?

Earlier I had a mini-shower I like to call a BIDET SHOWER, get it? So it might have been feasible that this HANDFUL OF WET THICK MOISTURE in my left hand, all over the top of it, my shoulders (EEEUGH) and small of back might be from that?

“TEEEEEEEEEEEEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?” I howled up at the moon through the top landing skylight and through the towel still over my head muffling a bit of my wailing and if you know his real name replace that instead and you’ll be privy to a bit extra of the comedy. Yeah? Did you use the towel shoved in to the bannister?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah. Why?

WHY DO YOU THINK GUESS WHY!? Then I turned into a plume of fire smoke and brimstone screamed like a mobscene torture receiver and exploded in to thin air I was just so pleased. Nah I got in the shower and when I was finished I went downstairs and said you are so disgusting and that was that. Why would you put that back where it was holy f-ing shitballs. Before I get steamed all over I’ll just stop now but I like to recite a (hamburger) Essay (I make a statement, supply three exotic YOU ARE A $^%$#@ IDIOT proofs, summation, bammo. Now press un-pause. I might even look at you a few times over the span of the next twenty minutes and go PAAAA or HAAA in an “un-fucking-believable” “I cannot believe the stupidity of society” or “I really am genuinely the smartest person that I know” surrounded by idiots. It is very lonely.

Care to hazard a guess as to what a ROAST BEEF DIP is? Fine throw in the au jus too go ahead the joke still works.

Honey I just came so my caring right now is at an all time low. But, I am giving so if you’re going to take then you better take it now.

So I was making fun of J.LO as she was on an episode of How I met You Mother (his man stories I am trying to like) and it dawned on me that we consider plenty actresses to be shitty meanwhile they’re on tv and we’re on, the couch.

Weird branding direction KFC is taking with the bucket of chicken launch called $treetwi$e, for serious. I wanted one immediately. And they delivered it. The next day I was in a ton of pain from my KFC sit-ups but really, I know there’s a ghetto kfc at dufferin and bloor all I am saying is try and make your demographic targeting a little less blatant, those $waggy dolla signs were spinning, made of gold and I might have seen a homie or two cold lampin’ it by the potatoes I don’t think they showed that commercial in Thunder Bay that’s for sure.

Ps. I tried to be very careful with my wording there but if I wasn’t careful enough and you were still offended, GOOD. You know this is just stand-up material and none of it is meant to harm or hurt, but to make you laugh and me famous.

And apparently Eskimo kisses are racist. It’s Inuit kisses now. Well that’s fucking weird right? This granny Nanny State is going to make for some inter-esting future conversations with my kid getting sent home from school repeating every single thing I say which by then will be racist. The english language is going to be reduced to honking clown noses, yes, no, and bathroom. I bet even the word NO will be deemed too prejudice and a hate crime. I know I know, when ANYONE starts a thing on racism it means they’re a giant racist. I guess I will have to change my last name.

I practice my material as he’s boning me on the couch sometimes and then get confused that I am “on” or my dirty talk (to get this party movin’) gets a bit too jokey for example: HERE BABY TAKE A GUIDED TOUR OF MY PUSSY! Then I laugh at my own stupid joke and kill that boner right off as I am going eeeeeeeeeeh like the Fonz.

So I was taking a shower at my dad’s over Christmas, we visited for a few days and I was taking forever and I could feel the anger of the house descending upon me through walls and staircases their resentment and animosity Jesus okay then note to self don’t get baked before a shower it will take a full hour you have to go over every single hair that you have and inch of body space like an autopsy coroner checking it twice for a detective. I come out of there fluorescent red, chalky and wrinkly and a layer of skin has been unsheathed like snake skin.

“She alright?” “Yeah sure, she just had a bathtub identity crisis is all. No Big D.”

HAS ANYONE MADE A PATRICK SWAYZE GHOST JOKE YET?

Can we just stop focusing on my exceptionally good looks for two seconds here please? It’s about substance. Guys.

However I am of the BORN SPECIAL DIE SPECIAL belief. Spin your wheels all you like but ya can’t force or fake something you’re not. I have been singing the same tune for years so I don’t understand the outrage. Madonna still performs, dances, BREAK dances and how old is she? You will do anything to knock a girl down who is doing her thing, you say people are all making fun of me, well when don’t your competitors make fun of you and I guess second place sucks so you got to console yourself somehow. Blogs are like Jenny Jones episodes now, school hater bully playgrounds. Gaygrounds more like, the way you people are about it.

I have this laundry hamper from ikea that is the same one kids take to university, vinyl plastic I think and they fold up like a folding chair and so I had it folded up leaning against the wall at the foot of the bed to encourage some laundry, his man stuff as my shit is in my own room and so after a visit to the bathroom after some retarded love making he came back full force in to the room and walked straight in to it and it was the most hilariously loud sounding fantastical comedic pratfall ever it sounded like he fell in to a stack of crutches it made that clinky clackity metal sound hitting the foot board and his legs stumbling in to it with his glasses off totally totally blind. It was double funny because his side of the room is all bed and no space to move plus he has crap piled beside his side so he had to fight the curtains the floor for a long time before he got out and around the bed and we were zombies, time-to-crash-right-now kind of zombies. I laughed for ten minutes after that. Then all the animals piled on top of us so I couldn’t breathe, it is totally the funny farm.

Yay sandy . Get that framed and then when people give you shit POINT AT IT AND STARE THEM DOWN like your eyebrows are going to explode out of your head.

Melanie Payne is bad ass. Got a copy of her CD.

Ps. we don’t care what you think. My blog is awesome, people read it, the end.