THE FUTURE IS NOW

PRE-PURCHASE PARTY TICKETS FOR MY TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY AT WRONG BAR NOVEMBER 11. the frandiscos are dj’ing now. media rsvp: raymi@raymitheminx.com otherwise pay at door. gift bags of the century. delicious food. delicious booze (free rum to go home with) ok i’ll shut up until i make an official posting. making flyers to go all over toronto too. i’m using casie’s paypal til mine goes live in the next day or so which is why it’ll say her name when you buy ok. i’ve had some determined early birds here.

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this outfit is growing on me. my mom said i could totally wear it again. yeah, i know, you would say something like that. no idea how much the boots were i bought them out of desperation. i was in the store and the mall was closing i wanted to get high heels from zellers cos i didn’t bring anything out here with me but ran out of time so i bought my shirt and accessories and shoes all in one spot. mom was like how much were they? i dunno. YOU DON’T KNOW?! she went all manchester on me. cheap. she went nana. penny pinchers have heart attacks when they see other people spend money like it grows on trees. i don’t know how i feel about this high boot trend. these things were cheap (60?) i’d rather spend $400 on a great pair. ones with laces and leather buckles more details though the simplicity of these is pleasing, sleek, feminine, understated.

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when we got back from the mall i put all my shit on and said look dad, I’M MOM! he went OH. MY. GAAAAAAWD. hahahahhahaa.

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and then when she showed up and saw my gear she eyed it jealously. total tracey outfit. a success.

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then my dad sees my mom and is all uhhhh.

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and she drank all my champagne. WHAT WOULD COUGAR DO THAT’S WHAT.

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i want those boots she demands. no fuck off buy your own. she always does this it’s so like, bartering in an open market styles what the hell why do you do that are you part retarded? “i’ll give you some money for them.” why would i want “some money” for something i just PAID full price for? mom you are a cheapskate please do not die one it is getting on my nervous system.

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it’s kind of a piss off to go from one awesome camera to a piece of shit. so we went to this place called boston manor, it is a hole. tickets were fifteen dollars! i paid my uncle twenty because i am classy. my mom paid him nothing. her philosopohy is such that “i have done so fucking much for that asshole i don’t owe him shit” i shoulda called this post FAMILY SECRETS. nothing else is going on in burlington so you gotta make do.

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everyone grabbed me around the middle all nite long. it gave me a complex. i think it’s something about the leopard print it subconsciously makes one want to cuddle cos it brings to mind fuzzy wuzzy connotations like ewoks i would hug the ever loving shit out of one of those things BRING IT.

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i also have a big one for sailors. young ones but you know, old ain’t bad too. speaking of i was guaranteed the youngest puma on the scene. no competition in sight. at one point my mom said we are being stared at from every direction. i looked up and it was true, mean cat eye daggers from some women, appreciative head nods from others and every moustache leather cheesy time capsuled guy from 1990 eyeballing us. everyone in burlington is like an episode of to serve and protect, straight up time capsule haircuts and outfits.

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blurry city. mom’s pics are better don’t worry you’ll get an eyeful soon. mom look i’m you beatin’ ya at yer game. actually i will give her daps here as she can sure pick up if she wants but she’s alpha material and wasn’t into any man there. we are going to the keg after my party on a thursday nite fyi see you soon.

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don’t fight it girls it’s gonna happen to you too.

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pose of the night.

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uncle mike. he is donating a prize for my party. check out his website it is like a geocities retarded clusterfuck nightmare hahahah but anyway you and your stupid guy friends can take his sweet boat out for a day of fishing he’ll captain you all around to the right spots and i’ll suntan on the front of the boat (if i’m available). he said normally that goes for $700 i said i’d throw myself in (he wants model pictures for his business) i said then that price would be $1000. he made a face, go, what i have a rate! flipped my hair like a snot and walked off with his mouth agape.

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kerouac insanity. you should see what christmas is like.

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that’s my mom’s bud barb, another bee in the mean girl hive. seriously these bitches need their own midlifer’s show.

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the guy friends in this pack cock blocked us all night long too. mom says they always do. men can you stop doing that it is really irritating and we are too polite to tell you to get lost. i was close to it at one point.

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aaa-mazing.

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i asked why she was looking at me in this one, she goes “because it is different.” my mom thinks she is that photographer chick nicole kidman played in that movie but anyway, i am an inch taller. that’s another point for me mom.

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and that’s a point for you mom. damn girl. i can see why some of your friends are such bitches to you now (and me). my mom is definitely queen bee and they will likely disown her after this post whatever it’s MY observations here. i love some of them while others can go get &%%* for all i care. in life i am nice to everyone but then they always diss me and then it’s like nice knowing ya here’s your send off.

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i danced really slutty and full throttle theatrical 60′s swinger to piss everyone off. binsk was there and i said dude are you looking around at any one i should be looking back at (it’s hard to see through all my hair when i’m dancing) so i go yeah do a rotation of the room while i do my peacock strut and draw us more attention.

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i yanked this out of a scotsman’s braveheart get-up. burlington may be less elite however the people are so much nicer, friendlier, chatty and down to earth. you basically get away with murder with the kind of personality i have.

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everyone is 50+ years old too hehehh. it’s pretty dysfunctional but awesome to know you can keep partying forever.

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binsky. so cute. a legitimate cougar. i am learning things from this woman.

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extremely uncomfortable outfit by now. having a shirt buttoned up to your neck and dancing is so sweaty and then the shirt at your waist cinched and hips ballooning out in total coug fashion why do they do that? to accentuate the hourglass yeah i get it but it’s so curvy i hate curvy i want to be a rake so gay fashion dudes who have no interest in me sexually can approve of me. oh life. thanks for everything.

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my mom prayed that i wouldn’t have big tits. her prayers were answered. what a selfish woman and like, hello!

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that’s fine. you have tits, i have youth.

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what is this gallery opening party vision?

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mom you’re wasted.

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gong show. she lost the bow off one of her shoes and kept pouting about it meanwhile it was on the kitchen floor here all nite long. every time she whined i said mom that’s what we call a party casualty, suck it up shit show that’s what you get. we had men scouring the dance floor for it. let men be men, put them to task it’s what they want after all. one nerdy guy at the end of the nite was like i can drive you home and showed us a cup of water proudly as proof he was designated driver. he has a cessna and is going to fly us around even. ahh men. sometimes, it is so not your world so shut your mouth james brown.

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sailor can i take my picture with you? duh sure of course. thanks. off i went. i was a bit of a cunt last nite. flirty cunt. what i was in character as my mom hahaha.

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holy shit mom.

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someone else’s party casualty now belongs to me.

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that cougar necklace i bought is too heavy to wear. i prefer dainty light wispy whimsical stuff guess who else does? tracey.

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i lost the tail early on in the night, too annoying to deal with. i am giggling cos she wanted a picture with us staring into each other’s eyes and i lasted 2 seconds before i busted up laughing. i cannot handle eye contact it is too intimate and wickedly gay when you do it with your mom oh god it was like an i love my mom t-shirt from 1990 get me out of here too much love barf. the only way we can deal with our moms is by reverting to teenager mode.

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i hammed it up big time all nite long. the more dirty looks i got the further i took it. you are creating this monster ladies you need to learn a lesson you would get eaten alive in toronto.

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when boomers give’r.

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i sent a pic to a friend and said guess my costume. he goes, courtney love. um no, that’s tonite’s costume. but anyway thanks asshole we are never blasting ever again. oh my god that old man could not commit to his costume he’s wearing tevas.

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i am blasted by this point i think. i kept going out to haul on a doober and talk to mid life crisis guys and regular joes and everyone got awkwardly silent when i burst through the doors in my head i’m like i can handle this it’s tme for mr. personality HEY WHO’S GOTTA LIGHT WHICH ONEA YOU’S SMOKIN’ A DART AND I NEED WIND COVERAGE OPEN THAT BOMBER JACKET OF YOURS hahaha true story then i let ‘em smoke the roach.

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this is what makes me smarter than everybody else in the universe. i can adapt to any situation with ease and effortlessly make the most/best of anything. only idiots have a bad time.

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so at one point of the night when we hit the party wall we have a time out at the bar, mom goes to the bathroom and im sitting by the megatouch game totally ignoring the world (my phone was acting up).

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um, nice picture mom, why? anyway this guy over my shoulder is all where is your mom pawing at me and i’m like oh in the bathroom totally disinterested and then he gets caught talking to a woman then she leaves and he’s like where is your mom? i’m all i dunno guy the bathroom he’s all go get her. i’m like dude, YOU go get her. he’s all i don’t believe you where is she? holy lay off obsesslor like i get it you are sweatin’ my moms and all but it’s not my problem. boomers think people my age are children still it is super irritating.

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i am clutching a twenty in my hand by the screen looking down into my lap like so in my own world i couldn’t be emanating more fuck you vibes if i tried. so i look up and go after the 40th time of him asking where my mom is AND TELLING HIM SHE WAS IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM i say she’s in the bathroom and then meeting me at the bar here. i’m also wasted and tired and hungry.

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the cock blocking man friends are almost more demanding than the women. who hate my mom but like demand and need and crave her i get it she’s their girl but like, relax maybe?

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when we showed up i proclaimed that i was my mother to one of them. barely a reaction, maybe a cluck. like an oh great now there’s two of her. pretty much the vibe.

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that’s a good shot mom.

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she was wasted.

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WHITE PEOPLE PARTYING.

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this is your future, friends. radical. this guy said he didn’t like how i talked to my mom, behind my back. i had had enough of his shit. he’s like oh toronto, i won’t hold it against you that you’re from there i say, and i won’t hold it against you that you’re from burlington and i heard you don’t like how i talk to my mom stay out of my business meanwhile my mom is insulting the shit out of him and breaking his balls and he’s getting mad yet is pretending to be all chivalrous about how i lip off the woman because she drives me insane. she even told him off about how i tell her off hahaha “he doesn’t know how we are” aw cute i love you mom.

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this guy came out while binsk and i were out smoking and his head was gushing sweat. it looked crazy. i said woah i thought i had left parkdale when i see him walking toward us in what i mistook to be rags.

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posh you look amazing. i want that outfit.

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THE FUTURE IS NOW. mom you can almost see what you would look like with a tattoo.

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another incident, a woman sitting beside me as my mom is blubbering about how successful i am and bragging about me being the most famous blogger in canada to one of the guys in the pack, he gets a bit competitive about it (oh really? in that dubious you are retarded condescending big shot voice) so i snottily look over my shoulder and say I. AM. FAMOUS. because he said “blogging?” in a really rude way meanwhile sour face woman sitting beside me NOT in costume or in good party spirits is watching this entire spectacle, i am aware of this and that’s why i went diva, especially for her because i knew she was dyiiiing to make a comment and so predictably she gets up huffily grasping a cup of water in each hand and loudly pointedly at me says WHO CARES into the guy’s ear. all my mom is doing is trying to tell her friends proudly about her daughter’s achievements, it’s more so an honour to me like how your own parent would share an anecdote about good news in your life to an old friend. your kids achievements are yours too as you made that kid holy shit, but anyway i ignore that woman and tell my mom what happened. she said the woman is part of the crew but always controlling and mean. oh really. that is not cool by me.

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and so, as revenge is a dish best served cold i waited til later to deliver it i let that plate get nice and frosty before i spied little miss gruff face hugging her mustachioed man of the evening. my mom at this point is holding court by the bar and our shit, the band is ending, i say mom gotta go cock block that woman mom says GO.

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no one fucks with the kerouacs and gets away with it. so i go over to the hug of the century and plant myself RIGHT BESIDE IT pretending to watch the finale of the band’s encore it was perfect. she was facing me and i was passive aggressively pretending i didn’t notice they were even there. you bet your ass i ruined that moment. she squeezed him even tighter pretending it was a really great impacting hug but really it was totally because if he turned around he’d get any eyeful of this and her all night long flirtation with him would go up in flames. oh, that’s right. it was a forced super duper long hug thanks to me and i felt its desperation emanating like radiation poisoning and didn’t look at it once. an academy award worthy performance of mine no doubt. next time be nicer to me lady, and maybe everybody else in life too.

on my way to the bathroom a guy went rawr at me so i swiped at the air in a cougar motion and made like 30 guys die laughing. melodie you would have loved last nite.

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my mom insulted one of the dudes accidentally (work on your filter woman you need a mouth makeover) and he rightly was insulted but then came back double-fold insultingly on her, patronizing, said oh you’re drunk to my mom like ten times. i said yeah ok buddy that’s enough we get it stop saying my mom is drunk in my i mean business tone of voice (remember that one rob? haha). if you’re going to be our groupies for the night then you are signing yourself up for everything that comes along with that, including insults. you constructed a force field around us barring all other men and that’s fine you got to be seen with us, just watch your mouth next time, love queen sheebah.

HAPPY HALLOWEENIS!

Meet the Kerouacs

going out as my mom/a cougar tonite. watch your back cubs.

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i told her what i was wearing and she snapped I DON’T WEAR GOLD.

well, tonite you do. she’s bringing me cougar print ears and a matching tail. she wears the same costume every year so it makes sense that i wear these two pithy attempts at a costume. it’s what SHE would do so i’ll stay true to form here. also this means i get to be rude and filterless all nite long and get in on everybody else’s business. perfs.

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my dad keeps wigging out every time he looks at me hahaha.

horror stories of how the nite goes to come.

my uncle (who is ten times more insane than my mother) is going out with us too and a bunch of my mom’s friends. hilarious. tonite would be the nite to follow me around with a camera to start stockpiling trainwreck family secrets footage for the inevitable reality show. BYE!

while you were being a loser i was doing this

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i was really feelin’ the middle finger eh. cool. wasn’t sure if any of these would be any good so i kept with it just in case. just in case you needed to be flipped off ten times.

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alright alright got it.

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not only do i hate this camera very much, the photos will not come off the flash card.

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this, no doubt, was quite the hilarious scene. my friend tim and i roll up, i warn him it’s a taoist community center halloween party. hahaha. everyone was dancing. in costume. fuuuunnnny.

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i danced in front of my dad’s line of sight while they were playing with this on my head and he just laughed.

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and they made me take a tray of chinese home. i did. i’m like so was this a byob party? hahha. they were pretty tripped out by me like uhhhh, what? why are you here? yo relax i’m that guy’s daughter. then i became superstar supreme. dad and i are going to practice songs later.

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i bought some nice wine and some nice as close to champage as it’s gonna get. halloween is otherwise known as a three day shit show and i kinda can’t compromise my marbles at the moment going hog wild like the rest of the city. i am even considering not partaking tonite either. for sure tomorrow though.

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i haven’t had time to even think of a costume yet my mind obviously is on other things i do have a rough idea for tomorrow though tonite, all outta ideas. might go to the costume store with my dad which is suicide but i brought not too (way too) many clothes (they are all wrong) so oooh i’ll hit the mall maybe. i feel like only an asshole would go out with a mask like this on halloween, though, it is an excuse to dress as avant-garde as you like, or freakish.

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wonky eye city. i totally just did a weird blink i swear.

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it has a cool louis vuitton embossed print on the foil. fancy. i am always celebrating something. haven’t cracked it yet. once you open a bottle you have to drink it all. pretty much.

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i’m going to curl my hair today.

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mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

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winning blog comments and others:

dave says

i only can say that I enjoy your blog greatly.

You are like the Canadian internet version of Kim Kardashian, But with substance. Please don’t take that as an insult. I meant it to mean that your are media savvy, that at least you provide a product that I am willing to buy into.

Be glad you have the freedom to do what you do. but for the grace of (fill in the blank) you could be working at Mr Sub.

++++

rebut:

Umm here’s the thing aside from grammar issues. YOU ARE content. Kim, born rich, famous friends, and that porn film certainly helped. All that got her a show filled with cumkwat for cum-twat fantasies.
Unfortunately content doesn’t = rich. We aim to change that.

++++

poopee says

nonna’s ARE in mourning forever. it just gives them something else to complain about. they are the queens of martyrdom

Example:

me: hi grandma, how are you?
my nonna: i’m old.

me: hi grandma, what’s new?
my nonna: nothing’s new when you are old.

++++

Hey Raymi,
I was just sitting here smoking one and thinking about that slamin Hot Bod of yours. Checked out your website today to see how you were doing, and wondered when you you’re going to settle down. It’s clear that you need the muscle that you gave mention to, and to be made love to every day. Surely there is at least one person in this world that can truly make you happy. I really do hope you find that. Be happy Raymi, do what turns you on. ;-) Take care love. Happy Holloween

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treated myself to a little diamond necklace from shoppers (had to spend more to get a ton of points) and perfume. i never buy myself perfume i always get it for free somehow. i love being girly sometimes i can’t believe i just said that. the makeup is too dark i have to return it though it already went through the sponge. ugh. more fascinating updates later happy saturday. god i love lazy.

++

my guest list ticket thing isn’t working i think the paypal isn’t syncing so please be patient and thanks for your determination. also if you know what the hell i need to do to make it work let me know.

Don’t put diesel in a Ferrari

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my new friends BOOM invited me over to their St. Clair hood for breakfast the other day. i never eat breakfast, come brunch i am having a jogging pants party alone on the couch knee-deep in internet and a bodum of organic coffee (the only stuff adventurehousehold allows to be ground round these parts) which i am actually doing right this very second.

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so naturally i was a bit ughhhhh a sober food review in the day. awesome. whatever man i’m british and when we british eat, we drink, which is probably why i don’t eat during the day. colleague was all, so this is going to be the first sober meal i said not exactly i’m stoned. no guilt here, i’m an artist, that’s how we do.

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they have a bar afterall. i don’t drink during the day i am a go-getting businesswoman always hustlin’ so if i be cocked then that day, one less savvy email necessary writ will not be and i get further behind in the never ending rat race. funny how i said i was an artist and a businesswoman. i am both. i am the creative and the HR and the intern.

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you need to eat during the day if you’re gonna build your empire.

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part of my raymi voodoo is my gift of gab. right now i’m being my dad here. i reference him a lot (mom don’t get jealous!) when i have meeting of the minds visionary meals. i know i give a lot of secrets and tips away, i don’t feel like anyone would ever put them to practice anyway.

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if i were to describe “the personae” of what is raymi, her traits and attributes (and shortcomings) obviously mirror my own, all the negative stuff like always being right and having the last word. raymi is always right, you think you’re right but you’re wrong, look at the comments. people can rely on that. multiply it by ten years then people start to get it.

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tony is owner of another well-known breakfast diner all you hipster skid nerds know about. he wanted something, something for his own crowd, baby boomers. discussed it with someone and said what if i called it boomer (i love that idea) and they said what about boom? also good. when i learned this i said omg my dad would love that. see a void and fill it, build the niche and they will come.

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here i am being pissed off about something. what did you do???

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everyone in my comments is getting crotchety about my having a photographer in-tow to these things. guys, do you think i am going to fucking sit there extending my arm out while eating elk tartar and lobster all nite long like an idiot in a restaurant alone? do you want to see this experience or not? sometimes i bring a date sometimes i get the busboy to dine with me because i am a loser. if you believe that then you must not think very much of me. thanks for hurting my feelings see what you did?

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and it doesn’t matter who it is does it? maybe the mystery allure is part of the scheme YES BECAUSE I AM SCHEMING YOU DONT LOOK DOWN NOW AND SEE ME PULLING THE CARPET OUT FROM UNDER YOU OMFG RAYMI GOT US AGAIN! that’s what a few of you whiners sound like all the time. i am babysitting whiners day in day out over here jesus people give me a break stop busting my balls.

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tony asked me if i was jewish and refused to believe that i wasn’t. maybe it was the messy bun and the diamonds and the mannerisms. he was not coached at all. i couldn’t even respond i found it so funny. my mouth was a breathless O for fifteen seconds.

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no, i am french canadian and british and recently learned some possible scandinavian which explains my dad’s blonde hair and mine. i was born blonde.

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no idea what the punchline of this is. i will ask if no one can figure it out.

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i just had a vision of myself in the kitchen there cooking. i think i could hack it. tony offered during breakfast rush are you kidding? i said i was a terrible server and he said yeah i can tell that you weren’t meant to serve. i said tony would fire me in a heartbeat. not true, i am pretty good but after awhile not really. boom’s philosophy is we are here to serve you. simple. which is all you need in breakfast culture. it’s not about them, it’s about you. tony has a lot of sage business wisdoms i memorized everything he said.

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he tells all employees that they are coming into his dream so you can basically get lost if you think about comin’ in there with diva’tude. yeah there is no chance in hell i could ever work there haha.

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i said i would hit the kitchen or bring water that’s that. maybe take orders. i am never carrying trays no way my arms are too jittery and shaky, i refuse to learn cirque du soleil stacking tricks i am not a mule. which makes service take longer then everyone hates you because you’re not rushing like a slave. this is why i quit central. my fancy little daddy pants (in my family we rip each other in patronizing funny voices) said about me working at central that “it’s not for you” as in i am a little elitist princess. ok i miss my dad now i am going to b-town to give’r tonite.

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i look like garbage. i figured dressing up dinner styles extravagantly for breakfast would be too outrageous. next time though i have a funny idea. so i guess this is me “keeping it real”. diet coke in a glass bottle tastes worse. regular coke in a glass bottle tastes better. strange.

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as you may know, raymi the minx began in the forums of vice magazine back in the year 1999. you’d think that would be a nerdy thing or something but no. disagree. what were YOU doing exactly in 1999? dancing to jennifer lopez? bahaha.

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sidenote, tony has high ambition for the boom rooster logo to be as big as the playboy bunny logo. i said put the waitresses in playboy outfits then, timed it for when one of our waitresses came with something to our table. she was stunned. i said i could sexually harass all the servers if i wanted to THAT’S WHAT RAYMI DOES.

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when rob talks shit about vancouver he does it as mr. toronto so people get mad at that guy instead of rob when those are actually rob’s opinions coming out, not mr. toronto’s. smart. raymi is accountable for all the stupid things lauren white says and does. amazing. brilliant. i shoulda made myself more aware of this online personae monster i created years ago.

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this cup is backwards, or it’s a left handed mug. the print should be facing outward like so but the handle is on the left. here i am trying to maneuver this awkward situation. i pulled through but only by a hair. i had a lot of help, it was difficult, but i persevered in the end. tiniest handles ever. delicious coffee by the way thank god i haaaaaaaate bad coffee sometimes it’s the only thing i’ll stubbornly consume for hours. a bad cup of coffee can ruin your entire day like the morning i woke up in deep river ugh (wait’ll you read that bomb next week on street carnage) but anyway i had two double americanos WITH SOY and they were delicious. this pleased me. big thumbs up.

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photographer’s gotta eat too.

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looks like someone is fallin’ in love over there. how terrible for him. ha that is one of my catch phrases. this is my bill clinton visits the front lines of mcdonald’s impression. guy at the bar behind me (boom bar start marketing that tony) laughed like crazy when i said that. he was having a beer watching the teev kinda ignoring what was taking place all around him (raymi happening).

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i bring up vice magazine cos gavin (one of the founders) always harped on boomers, how they ruined the world with all their selfishness and now my generation is paying for it essentially and now boomers are doing this forever young thing so they will never go away they’re holding on for dear liiiiife. as much as it stings he’s right. tony is the same age as my dad, borderline boomer. my dad got really mad when i pretty much verbatim told him what gavin thinks about boomers.

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my family is going to have to get used to me referencing them. osler said a quote about how when a writer is born into a family that is the end of that family. i said that to my dad and he laughed, agreed. i think they should just look at it from a stand-up comedian perspective always telling little stories about their lives and kids and girlfriends, whether it is true or not, usually is, they’re not dogging their parents just highlighting the funny bits about these people right? it is hysterical because it’s relatable.

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i’m eating the Niçoise salad fyi (the menu is incredible, varying, lots of healthy choices too and very appealing for kids) – albacore white tuna, asparagus, olives, sweet potato and hard-boiled egg in a balsamic dressing. don’t put diesel in a ferrari. only healthy food should exist in the world eh? take away fast food, un-invent it and humans can start living longer again, healthier. if people are going to crave healthy food you have to make it good and appealing. i’ve had a few crappy Niçoise salads in my past, you know it’s going to be sub-par fare in a pub when everyone around you is ordering deep fried fish n chips, roast beef au jus, glistening thick cut french fries mmmm but then your shitty salad comes out and there’s a gross green ring around the hard boiled egg yolk, rusty mesclun, raw vegetables, just curbs absolutely nothing and makes you grouchy the rest of the day and you end up picking at other people’s grease anyway. food fail.

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that salad was amazing. the nicest freshest hard boiled egg still warm! that has never happened before. there is always a green ring and weird shit everywhere. the albacore tuna was high quality too. the sweet potatos thick match-sticked.

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this guy was feeling the raymi energy check that balancing act.

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you’re all on RAYMI’S D LIST (discount, they’re even going to make a special button) make sure you tell your server at any location 808 College Street, 1036 St Clair Ave W, 174 Eglinton Ave W that you’re on raymi’s D list and if you’re not an a-hole and tony’s around you might get some special treatment too READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

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so bill clinton replete with sweat stains. i asked if you could get a tan through a window, they’re like yeah duh i said i am bringing my bikini next time then. seriously my face is darker today cos of that hour. check hairdo at the bar, he’s keeping the dream alive.

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tony gave me a sixer of cokes so nice and he’s also really funny and maybe borderline kooky, you kind of have to be to be an inventor of something right? you have to not only convince yourself that the thing will sell but everyone around you. every product out there has a team of people around it living eating dreaming that product like its own cult, that certainly makes you crazy after awhile. you’re a guru, one of those evangelists, a christian rip off artist. anyway you know what i mean, you have to be kooky to be a success. the straight and narrow there is nothing to be enticed by.

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oh )&*^%(^$%#

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i always magically match my surroundings. toms shoes emailed me i would die if they gave me shoes for my party, for all of you. i feel like oprah’s favourite things episode when people lose their minds haha so disgusting and cannot look away.

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note taking. maybe i will auction this off, are people into that stuff am i famous enough for that yet? i have sold underwear before.

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weird but good. kind of hurts and confuses my eyeballs.

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lets have a toast for the douche bags.

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i could call orders. omg a stress jolt just seared through me. i still get stress reactions when i think about central. healthy much?

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i picked up tony and carried him ten yards. hahaha kidding. no i’m not. just kidding. i don’t even know anymore.

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i like this. circular logos are inviting and comforting. some restaurant marketing guru freak must have looked into that. i guess that restaurant marketing guru (consultant!) might be, me? i mean, i am totally going to die alone eating in a bar anyway. i texted that to five hundred friends yesterday while eating alone in a bar. in-between meeting up with some people.

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filling but not overly. i ate it all because i am filling the void.

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why am i eating like a hunched over orphan?

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tony said to be like the fish mongers in seattle (they wrote a book, one of them did anyway). i interpreted it to mean like in kensington market all the fish guys yelling at you to buy their fish, competition down the street, be the better fish monger. tony actually meant that they ARE the best and they do a whole show, throwing the fish to one another while singing and chanting, very dramatic, skilled. efficient. all that. so be that. be the best.

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quite a motivational lunch and STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ME FROM BELOW OR I AM FIRING YOU.

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tony wanted to make it clear that he feels 27 even though he is 50. i believe him and what a coincidence, i’m 27 yet feel 50.

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i read tony some of my hater comments and dropped some of my philosophies which boiled down to raymi is always right. someone slagged boom in a blogto thread something like i dunno why people would line up for that place (boom has lineups, lineups means good business, good food, all of that no brainer shit) all snarky jealous like, so it must be competition posing as a customer or worse, if it’s actually some nobody troll that is pretty sad. you went out of your way to say that? uhm, do you not have a life guy?

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i made the bunny costume comment in front of that chick. what, i got central to wear bunny costumes too.

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i look pretty diner eh.

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HIPSTER BRUNCH DREAM WIFE WHEN WE’RE DONE WE CAN RENT MOVIES FOR AFTER PUB PINTS AND A WALK THROUGH BELLWOODS OR MAYBE WE’LL HIT SOUNDSCAPES AND I WILL PRETEND NOT TO BE BORED OUT OF MY MIND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU IGNORE ME AND ARE OBSESSED WITH VINTAGE ADIDAS TENNIS SHIRTS.

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my pics now. emilio sad this in my flickr stream about this photo Love it! Thank god there are people with an eye for design in the world. Wish that I had that kind of talent. he is a certified genius and totally one of those modern metro designy guys you know. you can tell by his glasses. therefore this comment is certifiable fact. he also plays the trumpet in a jazz band, or some other weird brass instrument. i just play the skin flute.

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those are some good floors in there.

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i forgot to ask if tony had these designed or if he found them at an antique store or something.

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bathroom televisions very good, it’s the extras that impress. i can see employees gettin’ in crap for hanging around the bathroom too long.

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however these were sourced they are brilliant. the era of this style of cartoon would be when boomers were babies. nostalgic. boom!

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clever goes a long way with me it almost makes up for horrible physical deformities. almost.

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don’t cry over spilled soy and no i didn’t do it. for once. i only break mirrors.

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duuuudes meet you at like 3 ok i gotta party on skate forums for a few.

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i can’t remember what it was i said but tony was like i have absolutely no idea what you are talking about and that is GREAT because that means there is an entire demographic subset of people you can put me in touch with that he had no idea existed. an entire culture, world, this world i call it, social media which unfortunately is a necessary nerdy evil.

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crack it baby.

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this was wolfed down before i even had a chance to steal a bite. i’m kinda thankful but also kinda mad.

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tony’s greek salad wrap. i asked if he was ordering off menu. he was. diva.

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tony’s giving me beautiful gift cards for my swag bags you’re welcome guys. on top of raymi’s d list.

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i have no idea what is so jewy about me you’re the one with the business on st. clair guy. i asked if tony was jewish he said no, italian. i said oh no doubt wops and wasps work very well together. i think he’s going to steal that one maybe.

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yeah i definitely need new glasses.

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left hander.

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great scene. modern retro, dick tracy.

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oh hi. friendly chap not the slightest bit pretentious or phony, i’m a quick study and generally have a good read on people.

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are nonna’s in mourning forever or do they just really like black?

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how adorably placed beside that cupcake joint. convenient. i can put in an order for something next time i go, everyone loves cupcakes and they are a dream to photograph.

that’s a wrap, boys.

+++

YOU MAY NOW PRE-PURCHASE TICKETS TO MY PARTY ONLINE get ‘em now to reserve attendance. media guest list requests email: raymi@raymitheminx.com

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the plan was to drink until the pain over but what’s worse the pain or the hangover

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hello raymi town, what it is?

i’ve bumped into a girl twice now since she served me at supermarket a couple weeks ago. last friday nite with steph (feels like a lifetime ago, wait, that was two weeks ago? my sense of time is just, bizarre. more and more i am learning how much i operate in a totally different realm than everybody else) and i were walking hosedly along queen after a piss-up at watusi. i was in that frame of mind where i may as well have been on dxm or something, bubble brained but then i see this girl with a bike on the ground and she is drunk crying. everyone else is ignoring her it’s friday queen west crowd nite, friend somewhat included (the girl i’ve seen twice since, time two at unloveable) i come out of my reverie (these days in the back of my mind i am freaking the fuck out secretly, luckily steph has her own nightmare right now so i could let it eclipse that of my own invented melodramatic first world problems) and take a mental holiday for 24 hours while babysitting her. there might even be a statue erected in my honour but anyway, i chivalrously (wow this post is now getting totally heroically out of hand now and there are way too many brackets) rush to the aide of this sobbing stranger to inquire what the fuck is going on assuming she got lobbed by a car while riding her bike and i was right. i genuinely cared but i knew it wasn’t that big a deal it was kind of just an excuse to interact with other drunk people. we were becoming a happening. turns out a car “kind of?” hit her foot but she didn’t want to deal with it cos she was on her way to a booty call. steph said she watched the other girl staring at me with wonder and confusion and then she goes HEY did you eat at supermarket the other nite? yes i go, she goes yeah we served you.

crying girl stops fake crying at this point (my attention made her cry more cos she was liking it, i tell you i am a caring stud) and goes oh yeah! immediately in their heads i could see their opinions of me evolving from interesting person we served, balling tipper, great outfit and personality (haha ok that’s my addition) to selfless random act of kindness chick. obviously i am a lesbian too cos i have drunken skidfanie in-tow.

i bumped into girl two at unloveable like i said this past sunday nite. i wanted to play uno then i realised way too much brain requirement would be involved so i passed, but she really wanted me to play. i dunno about you but i am exquisitely skeptical of people who are really nice to me. get shat on all the time by half the nation of toronto so when someone gives me sunshine and a forecast of blue skies i am like now, wait just a second here…

we didn’t play uno. instead we played wasted jenga with stew and suzzi. i feel like i let that girl down by not playing uno. weird how you can feel guilted by the dumbest of things like that.

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i am in the middle of really hating myself right now. i hate that i can’t control my body. if my body isn’t happy then i am not happy. if i am happy for two seconds i immediately panic because, i’m happy. i feel the sting of stress and anxiety every waking minute but i have come to get off on it and rely on it. it keeps me on my toes it is my only boss which i need as i am not with partner whom generally keep me in check and tame me. i require a muse to get this ball rolling day in day out and since i don’t have one i have many and this uncanny somewhat desperate addiction to push the fucking envelope.

here’s something i put in my tumblr the other day. i used to have an ithinkmanic blog that i wrote alongside raymitheminx, if you split the personae in two then you can get away with being emo and write more self indulgently. in the beginning of blog i let go a lot more. sometimes i get head tripped about it because people get to you, thousands, get to you. i didn’t even know i had a blog personae until i was told i had one. i am different in the real world, way more mellow, less intense but i still have a massive personality i just pick and choose what it is i say because i feel like i have lots to say. about everything. it is plaguing. if you’re someone like me you’ve just got to have a blog. so here’s that passage from my tumblr anyway. back to work.

he said there were two parts to me

an extremely insecure one and one that is over-compensating for it and that he doesn’t like either one

either person

two mes

i took it like a man because i had no interest in this fucking guy

so arrogant

i had already stood him up accidentally on the thursday

he showed me a text message he sent to his friend about me

bad vibe. i was 30 minutes late. i am always late but he was such a diva about it

i chose a shitty place cos in case i hate him i didn’t want to hate him somewhere uncomfortable and expensive

he forced me into assuring him that he looked young for 30

he looked late thirties

he was aghast that i wouldn’t stroke his ego

i told him arrogantly that i do not pay on first dates

i make no move toward my wallet

except that one pissing contest time when i paid a lot of money for the second portion of the evening even though the guy was loaded

anyway this awful attractive guy more so in photos than in person did not like me one bit and i didn’t like him either

he was willing to like me but then it went foul at some point

he could tell that i wasn’t taking it seriously and not that interested i think

he is one of like 40 pieces of fish they are all the same after awhile same ageish same jobish it’s hard to keep track of information like that so during a date when one should know the basics like age and profession i knew nothing

clearly a date machine

that is how i blew it

and i do not care

we were both set in our ways and even started to hate each other

i told him he was kind of high maintenance as my final jab when we went from variety store to variety store in search of his energy drink the only one he will drink wtf prissy hahaha

in hindsight he was trying to lose me but i didn’t care it was on my way home anyway

it bothered him that i didn’t fall for him so he got mean

i told him i took what he said about me like a man so maybe he should take what i say about him like one also

i don’t even remember what i said it was so minimal but it had a large effect

oh i said that he needed a lot of attention

he got feisty after that because i was so right

ugh

i could tell that he was inventing things to say about me to whoever his friend was over text, that kind of needy attention you know meanwhile for me he is barely even a footnote so totally nothing and no one to me

i was also extremely hung over and kind of exhausted and that was insulting to him on top of standing him up the other day

anyway

looks aren’t everything

and i am learning that a lot of beautiful people are truly very fucking ugly people

and i am never surprised

i prefer friends these days

they are soul healing and genuinely love you

i feel like hugging all of them right now at this very moment

or typing their names here right now

robin david steph melodie lucas stew lately you are the best friends i love you

punk bunny

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120702188/

my friend was a little nervous when i said i was dressed like a holly madison grease puck bunny. hey guy my outfit was better than yours. i almost dressed the part a little too well.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120099337/in/photostream/

went to the real sports bar beforehand. dig that place. good thing it was REAL. really stupidly named. i have another crowd pic where every single man is staring at me, it’s too blurry though. sometimes i am so not used to attention.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120704040/in/photostream/

I LOVE HOCKEY I SWEAR. i even wore a bra. that shirt is pretty see-thru. it’s my 80′s swingers fondue party turtleneck. don’t hate.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120100953/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120101763/in/photostream/

hangover beer was delicious.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120102635/in/photostream/

voodoo shrimp and green curry chicken. decent. quite.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120103675/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120709022/in/photostream/

shittish tickets. meh. walked down to better ones later on. posing as a self entitled twat pays off.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120105863/in/photostream/

i wish there was better wine selection.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120710494/in/photostream/

she looks familiar.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120107757/in/photostream/

ahhh.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120712072/in/photostream/

like it better with pinhole. more old school.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120712920/in/photostream/

blind greek (not actually blind but a typo i sent to steph in email meant to be blond so now obviously his nickname is blind greek) spilled his beer all over the guy in front of us right after i was making fun of a guy wearing flip flops (at a hockey arena!) we were surrounded in enemy territory after that. his buddy wasn’t able to pull through and scout out better seats for us so we did it on our own. steph was all oh fuuuuun going to a game but i don’t know how fun for a blind guy hahaha.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120110407/in/photostream/

hockey pictures are boring.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120715212/in/photostream/

ex hockey player, used to play with “these guys” whoever they are.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120112541/in/photostream/

idiotstick behind me is actually saying FACEBOOOOOOK i turned around and gave him the cuntiest look ever. moron there is more to the internet than facebook and ps. that shit is old son, welcome to two years ago.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120113435/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120114319/in/photostream/

we won, 3-1. got in a little spat with a sens fan on behalf of my sens-hating (despising) buddy. now that i have finally seen ottawa as an adult all the hater comments coming out of there make way more sense to me. ottawa is boringtown and it can’t get over it. i saw the entire scene in like two hours, one nite. i said to this girl behind me posing as a toronto fan (she said she lost a bet, same thing flip flops detroit fan said as he was wearing a toronto jersey) that it must burn her up inside that ottawa has lost to toronto so many times and she goes yeah well there’s always the future. you’re welcome osler.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120115289/in/photostream/

discoball.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120720050/in/photostream/

binoculars is the guy blindo spilled beer all over. he, did not like it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120117421/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120721922/in/photostream/

i don’t know any of the player’s names anymore. think haven’t been to a game in at least two years. i learned that phaneuf guy’s name, but only because he’s boning elisha cuthbert, or she’s ploughing the other one now? anyway one of them got suspended cos he said the other guy is into his sloppy seconds. love it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120723072/in/photostream/

down in front, hairdo.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120757760/in/photostream/

on to white wine now.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120758696/in/photostream/

hahaha.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120155463/in/photostream/

more please.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120156549/in/photostream/

see how i’m pointing? i point when incredulous shit happens like an oblivious guy about to walk through my shot. seriously do your eyes not work? the majority of these white collared idiots are keeping our economy afloat meanwhile they don’t know how to walk around arenas through crowds. unbelievable. i master that shit you better keep on my heels cos i am navigating through the herd like i’m on meth. gone.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120158573/in/photostream/

seat change.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120169363/in/photostream/

ice problems. maybe if you didn’t crank the heat in there so much?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120774424/in/photostream/

ASSAULT ON NORMAL PEOPLE’S SENSES GIVE ME YOUR COTTON CANDY IT’S IMPORTANT. girl with white arm sleeve is the sens fan i ripped on. i said she was a good sport multiple times then i’d rip her some more. i really do not give a care about hockey beef/rivalries, i just like to get people fired up for my own amusement sometimes.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120775524/in/photostream/

it all started when she cheered when florida scored. once the booing died down (from leafs fans) i turn around (perfect comedic timing of course as i am a comedian and master of delivery) and say YOU HAVE REVEALED YOURSELF. then she says she’s a sens fan etc and so forth i am already bored of this.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120172959/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120777276/in/photostream/

i didn’t even get baked for any of this. my eyes were very squinty i knew i’d burn out hard if i did and then i might fall down some stairs cos my numbness affliction is back in action again.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120175741/in/photostream/

i got a billion pictures of my feet.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120176385/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120176843/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120177287/in/photostream/

hockey players are really young eh? i say to greek, not like the old school 40 year old players like wendell clark, does he still play? (i knew he doesn’t i was just pretending to be really stupid hahaha) does hulk hogan play too, how’s his season so far? greek’s head almost exploded.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120177711/in/photostream/

i promise i will not bore you girls with this ever again. maybe if they let me sit on the ice next time. i should be paid to go to games as many people i know watched it just cos i said i was going to try and spot my stupid pink shirt.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120178205/in/photostream/

if i got on the jumbotron i’d do the fake beej motion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120178799/in/photostream/

this photo blows.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120180265/in/photostream/

nothing like a stretch suv limo ride.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120180805/in/photostream/

or more eating. at jack astor’s.

STARVING!!!!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120394397/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120997736/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120395225/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5120998620/in/photostream/

saw your website

Hello. I just want to say that I love how slutty you are. And I mean that in the best way possible. You seem like a person who does exactly what she wants and doesn’t care what others think. That’s great. I bet you fuck amazingly, too.

im pretty sure my dad will be extremely proud of this email.

I don’t know about your dad, but if I were your boyfriend or husband, I’d say three cheers to that e-mail (and yeah, I’d be proud). A gorgeous, intelligent, funny slut with a great sense of style? What’s not to be proud of?

I am not a fucking slut

Are you sure?

I wasn’t trying to insult you.

definite intentional insult you fucking asshole

That’s really amusing that I called you gorgeous, intelligent, and funny, yet your subscribing to the narrow view of what a “slut” is, seems to cause you such distress.

the issue is you are declaring for me that i am a slut
there’s slutty
then there is slut
who the fuck are you to me anyway, or to say?

rude.

the end.