you run with the devil
yesterday was outright awful. i have not been that depressed in a super long time. i couldn’t even write about it, what do you say? i was actually a little scared by how sad i was. i thought this had better go away, will it? i felt adult and scared like no one can hold your hand out of it this time you have to just button down and pull through. sometimes i semi-enjoy being sad, sad and smug. smug because there’s only just a pinch of sad and i can see it lifting before it settles too long. but not this time. there was no enjoyment. i have never whined so much. or felt so embarrassed about it. just explaining my over-all lack of punch here. when i get to feeling this way i try to retreat and remove myself from everyone so they don’t have to witness it. i felt so desperate to get away from this funk though so i forced myself on my friends and dragged them down a little. al said to know that i, someone like me, gets depressed, well, it’s, depressing. exactly like that he said it. i just nodded a ton. i also hate that i am re-reading the bell jar right now cos i already felt sylvia plath sad so i’m thinking hopefully i’m not letting that seep into my psyche and imagining this grief.
sometimes it just hits me that i am extremely alone and then i feel debilitated by that and then embarrassed.
summer really depresses me. at first it overjoys me then it kills me because i look around and go oh, i’m still stuck here. fantastic.
when i get this way a quick trip out of town does me wonders but i can’t even escape that way cos i have obligations every day this week so i am forced to confront how shitty i feel. i can’t run from it and i can’t run from me. when i ride my bike it cheers me up a bit. doesn’t last though. today work should be fine, good for me actually. too bad i am consumed by so much fucking stress though and a few loose ends to get to though i can’t because my day is filled and i went retard yesterday. was there something i could have done about that? i wonder if a normal person got sad like that once every ten years could they finish their work? lately i’ve been wondering a lot about sad and not sad people. it’s sad.
sucking it up now. BYE!
ps. i am NOT writing this for any attention whatsoever. just pretend i didn’t write it. it’s a means to get it out of my system so i can move on to being indifferent again. if i’d wanted emo attention i would have written this yesterday and titled it KILL MEEEEEEEEE I WANT TO DIIIIIIIIE and so on.