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you run with the devil

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4745970282/

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yesterday was outright awful. i have not been that depressed in a super long time. i couldn’t even write about it, what do you say? i was actually a little scared by how sad i was. i thought this had better go away, will it? i felt adult and scared like no one can hold your hand out of it this time you have to just button down and pull through. sometimes i semi-enjoy being sad, sad and smug. smug because there’s only just a pinch of sad and i can see it lifting before it settles too long. but not this time. there was no enjoyment. i have never whined so much. or felt so embarrassed about it. just explaining my over-all lack of punch here. when i get to feeling this way i try to retreat and remove myself from everyone so they don’t have to witness it. i felt so desperate to get away from this funk though so i forced myself on my friends and dragged them down a little. al said to know that i, someone like me, gets depressed, well, it’s, depressing. exactly like that he said it. i just nodded a ton. i also hate that i am re-reading the bell jar right now cos i already felt sylvia plath sad so i’m thinking hopefully i’m not letting that seep into my psyche and imagining this grief.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4745995776/

sometimes it just hits me that i am extremely alone and then i feel debilitated by that and then embarrassed.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4746003288/

summer really depresses me. at first it overjoys me then it kills me because i look around and go oh, i’m still stuck here. fantastic.

when i get this way a quick trip out of town does me wonders but i can’t even escape that way cos i have obligations every day this week so i am forced to confront how shitty i feel. i can’t run from it and i can’t run from me. when i ride my bike it cheers me up a bit. doesn’t last though. today work should be fine, good for me actually. too bad i am consumed by so much fucking stress though and a few loose ends to get to though i can’t because my day is filled and i went retard yesterday. was there something i could have done about that? i wonder if a normal person got sad like that once every ten years could they finish their work? lately i’ve been wondering a lot about sad and not sad people. it’s sad.

sucking it up now. BYE!

ps. i am NOT writing this for any attention whatsoever. just pretend i didn’t write it. it’s a means to get it out of my system so i can move on to being indifferent again. if i’d wanted emo attention i would have written this yesterday and titled it KILL MEEEEEEEEE I WANT TO DIIIIIIIIE and so on.

28 thoughts on “you run with the devil”

  1. you are hereby charged with bullshit. of course you are looking for attention. you are so thoroughly attention focused you will present this pretense. not mocking depression here. get help.

  2. If you knew how much I was actually hanging on by a fucking thread here I don’t think you’d say such things.

    I cannot even be completely miserable without getting shit on. Ever. Fuck you.

  3. looking at the picture of the 2 guys eyeing the morsel in chopsticks, I was reminded of something to share with geeks, and some bloggers (not you) are geeks. If you eat Cheetos with chopsticks, you don’t get the orange stuff on your fingers.
    This makes me laugh.

  4. Hang in there Raymi. I felt the same way last night. I have a really nice boyfriend, who is good to me, but I still felt really alone. Depression happens, goddammit.

  6. Innocent…. She has a blog, for someone to only blog about the free, fun stuff is fake. Way to keep it real. Seek happiness not help.

  9. How often do you think of suicide, for real? Is death always an option, always lurking in the deep of your mind? Or does it pass fleetingly depending on the day?

  11. Plathville’s not so bad NOW, wait till you hit 30. or have kids…. loner girls need to find that soulmate before its too late. really

  12. Sometimes I get so fucking sad I want to kill myself. Would never do it though. But sometimes I really want to cease to exist because I just feel sooooo sad deep down in my gut. I can hardly talk to anyone when I get like that and have no desire to. It’s part hormonal for me for sure, partly because I was born a little bit sad, a lot melancholy. And I’m actually a pretty fun, energetic person! Reading things that are sad make me even more crazy because I feel like I am the character and internalize it all. Just letting you know this because you’re not alone. People who think a lot get sad a lot. It’s part of who we are. I like you.
    On a side note, those little rolls of meat up top look like tiny penises. The rest looks yummy.

  13. It’s okay to feel sad and down once in a while. It’s completely normal. Just go with the flow and you will find happiness again soon. :)

  18. Hang in there girl and fuck all the haters. People are allowed to have days where they are just washed over with sadness and misery, so you’re no exception to that just cause you’re a popular blogger. Just worry about yourself and fuck the people that are attacking you for having the guts to say what’s on your mind/in your heart.

  19. i’ve been reading this book ishmael and it makes the picture bigger if that makes sence.. i’m not sure if you’d be into it or not but it’s just a suggestion. take care out there miss raymi.

    -a fan

  20. hey… look at the bright side… at least you got it off your chest and we all know your chest is pretty damn hot….

  21. i think its not only important to get it off your chest but for other ppl to know and hear about another’s sadness. i know you hear it from many, but the way you push through your anxiety and your everyday has helped me a ton in the last couple years. your writing and how you keep it real.
    i get angry and sick and jealous sometimes when ppl are too happy and positive. i cannot hang around ppl who pretend it does not exist. sadness is raw and when we feel it- dammit we shouldn’t be ashamed. especially when all you want to do is let it out and move on.

  24. There’s been some pretty depressing stuff going on lately…being sensitive, as you are, means you pick up on it. Anyone who doesn’t feel a bit depressed right now just isn’t paying attention.
    “bullshitpolice” should be frying the bigger fish that are out there, could maybe do some real good in the world, instead of attacking you. Oh, sorry, I forgot…that would take courage, wouldn’t it?

  25. Raymi,

    I really love this post. The bullshitpolice can go fuck themselves. You are connecting with the universal truths in all of us. If that gets you attention so be it. It’s good to have that kind of attention.

    I feel lonely a lot. I’m also a happy chick that everyone thinks has her shit together, which is such a joke. So I stare at the clouds and I cry because I just want a pair of arms around me.

    Keep up the writing and keep it real. It brings us all together and THAT is more than most people do. Thank you for being you.

    love
    zigzag

  26. It would actually be more disingenuous and attention seeking to not post anything at all. You’re a diarist. You share your diary with the world. Even the gnarly bits.
    So keep it real.

  27. I’m a happy hypomanic sociable loner. I isolate when I’m depressed, or I surround myself with strangers & acquaintances and get all manic. I feel like I will ruin the days of my close friends and family if I’m depressed around them. One friend of mine said I wasn’t “me” at all, and was quite alarmed. BUT I learned recently that some of my friends are really empathetic to my depressed state; my self-loathing, self-pitying, self-centered rants. They didn’t make me feel ashamed at all. They were very understanding. Sometimes it’s not as bad as you think; people still care about you and won’t abandon you even if you are sad. Also, having the blog is great therapy – not just for you, but for others who are in similar shoes.

    Please don’t publish this if I sound like a huge sappy dork.

    Here’s a silly song I like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXIzyquw-kc

    Love,
    Rhonda.

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