why do i fear what i can be

pickup artist.


best hangover ever.

stevie thigh.

who is it?


younger more self conscious girls giggled at my ass. woke up ready to rock out the door in last nite’s skivvies. dirtbag princess.

sweet tooth. eating tour.

loner walk. tons of cops on bikes and horses. down by the water with two non-working lighters and a nice half joint. brutal. very nice down there though my cheeks are soooo red. nose too.

i did find the sand i was looking for. it’ll do fine. this is just a path though.

lighter found, joint shared. beer too. cool people.

de-brass date. don’t even want to SAY how much this bottle cost. take a guess.

sun soak coffee ten thousand and shower. then central. bye bye bye.

oh man i make the best coffee.

bought a gold chain with bells all over it for a dollar.

GLAM NATURAL new makeup term

i invented it.

i have a crazy sweet tooth lately why is this? i eat spoonfuls of pure blueberry honey from the jar just you know, because? shotgun nestle quik. i never liked sweets before. am i giving myself diabetes here? can i?

was cut from work and was able to hit gill’s birthday party at brooklyn bar and it was SO FUN. went to salvador after that and then some stragglers came back to ours and we had a makeup party in my room.

drinking strong hot coffee with cinnamon and honey in my room with melodie right now gonna hangover walk down to the water for a bit. i went to the front room to gauge the climate and the air was still, warm. love that. it’s like a hug.

melodie came in saw us girls in my bed and said OH YES and jumped in hahahahha.

right now we’re taking negative photos on my couch. they look crazy!

leave the monster at home (whiner post)

shoveling oatmeal and coffee into my person at the moment. went to watusi last nite (did you know that the watusi was/is a dance?) and then reposado. looked at a big crappy art canvas in the window of some shop while sharing a joint. cabbed it home, early enough night for this cat. earlier was at mezzro’s with melodie then lucas came by. love the frowning fish we tried to draw them. i failed horribly at that. dropped and smashed an unopened bottle of red wine in the kitchen (thanks for cleaning that up lucas) i’d never done that before, have seen many others though and always played it cool. you don’t know how irritating irritating can be until you try it out for yourself. i wasn’t even wasted. not even buzzed. or stoned. just got the dropsies. i don’t consult a calendar to keep track of my cycle i just wait until i smash something then i know aunt flo’s on her way over.

i wish i didn’t put cock in the title of my last post now i’m getting all this p0rn spam with cock all over it. GET A LIFE SPAM WE’RE BUSY.

speaking of getting a life i don’t even have time to be offended or hurt or anything by negative comments anymore it’s like seriously you’re on my blog at 2 in the morning while i’m out straight pounding’er home and you’re at your little computer telling me i am an idiot? cool life. even conversations people (MY MOTHER and other idiots with ZERO LIVES from the suburbs) have beneath my photos on facebook. that’s another privilege i might have to take away because apparently when you tell people that you are 1. busy and 2. have no time for this they hear GO TO FUCKING TOWN. also you can’t rip into them as much as they deserve because 30 other people have already commented and are receiving every single message too. how dare you play me like this you lunatic children. you can’t think of anything else to do on a sunday afternoon? really? i’m out at dinner totally strung out and stressed trying not to snap and flinch at every noise in the pub then a gauntlet of stupid facebook messages floods my blackberry and by who else, oh right my mother and an old babysitter. another (not) funny thing is no one can even relate to me on this, well no one i’m hanging out with lately. they’re just full-on bemused by it, it’s foreign cos their moms are off doing normal shit and they have practically nil online presence so i come off looking like the freak here. so anyway back in a time out they go until they learn some boundaries (which will never happen). haha remember when i said i didn’t even have time to be offended by shit all the sudden i’ve loads of time. don’t care. i feel crampy, working at 4, i should get it all out now and leave the monster at home.

ps. i’m fucking 27 how is this even an issue for me when will my mother GET IT? maybe dragging out this stupid pointless laundry on to the internet will sort it out? doubt it. i’ve repeated numerous times, lets pretend that you respect me as a person and then lets pretend that this is my office, lets pretend i’m trying to be professional here and that maybe i’ve sort of been making a go at this blogging thing as a potential career for oh, say TEN YEARS NOW? maybe you shouldn’t be all over it every single day imparting opinions nobody asked for? maybe?

alright i just made myself light years angrier. good move.

the things she flips out on are the exact same things i’ve been writing about for years now i don’t see how pissing me off over and over and over again is going to make me stop smoking weed faster. or drinking. or turn into a lady. how arrogant does someone have to be to think they have any sort of impact on anybody else ever and this goes for every single commenter out there. the shitty ones specifically. do you think we’re just gonna drop everything from being blown away by your words? woah guy, i never thought of it like that before thank YOU for showing me how it is and colour me changed. you know? people do not change. we’re all severely pleased with who we are so, thanks but no thanks. meanwhile ps. look at your own shit you’re a fuck up too so no offense but you’re the last advice i’d be asking for.

greasy babed it big time. zero makeup. walked into a bar stool with those stupid glasses on.

got my loonies eaten by that thing and then lucas got a double vodka out of it then evened the score by cleaning up my smashed bottle kitchen mess and i threw him some ganj. all in a day’s non-work.

when people in the real world (or IRL you nerds sorry if you didn’t understand what in the real world meant all spelled out like that in long-form hahaha ughhhh) hear me complaining about how fat i am or ugly or whatever they think i am insane, they don’t see the flaws i see and guess why i see the flaws i see? the internet. this is a special form of mental illness for sure. you are your own in touch magazine, essentially. when your hair changes, clothes, weight, tired in the face and so on, we all sit down and discuss. so while you think you’re making your own choices you kind of have this but how will my people react to this? stupid no? extremely. jenny told me to fuck the internet once when i said i had worn an outfit i wanted to wear on our bender night and the internet saw it already. didn’t end up wearing it but still, would you even conceive of this years ago before all this garbage? ridiculous new world problems. when your phone dies how quickly do you feel like you don’t exist and nobody cares about you anymore?

after this weekend i am picking up my bootstraps and turning into an organized adult type person. enough dicking the dog. i’m finishing my book proposal goddammit. ps. (who wants to write it for/with me? i’m sort of serious you will get a cut and get to hang out with me which is pretty priceless in and of itself). how funny is it that i got a literary agent off the guy who bamboozled me in the globe and mail? how funny is it that he’s (reporter not agent) a recovering crack addict? ok that’s not funny but it’s admirable. some people never get over that shit. he‘s writing a book all about it too. dunno if that was a secret or not but i don’t care anymore. this is me with my fingers in my ears screaming i don’t care anymore.

i have no idea where my copy of the globe article went and i do not have an online subscription (as if i have time to read newspapers) so i do not have access to it. if you somehow do send it my way please.

we’re having a birthday house party for melodie on saturday (i took the night off) so if you’re cool enough, friends enough, email me and i’ll set you up with an invite.

chris is playing at the central tomorrow night you should come see him, gets pretty loud. i’ll be there (working).

drinking at the altar of reposado.

clem we need blue lighting behind the bar.

wolf shirts may be over but wolf dresses have just begun. wearing this bastard tonite melodie made it she is so crafty. (it’s kamila’s going away party too so come on out by all means). thirsty thursday here here!


if you want to see some more pictures from yesterday’s work party go on the central’s FB group page I CAN’T ALWAYS BE DOING EVERYTHING AROUND HERE JESUS I GOT SHIT TO DO LIKE LIVE MY LIFE! sorry, sorry there, i’m sorry guys.

there were many hilarious points. like when teppei got his makeup and hair did and went drag. awesome. or when kamila came back and everyone was all hey! oh hey! then i pointed to an actual bin of hay (you can see it in the above photo) and said HAY. abigail diiiied laughing. so i left while i was ahead to catch the rest of the day in bellwoods.

i haven’t had many manicures in my life, fuck, i think i’ve actually only ever had one like a professional one but anyway, yesterday’s, best ever. i don’t get why they file all your nails off though. i said to just go to town do whatever. chose plum polish, apparently the hottest colour in the city right now.

i like having shorter nails, i think the manicure lasts longer that way?

can’t wait to see brosz7kowski’s shots. guess i CAN wait as you don’t get to see that shit til months later. pshh.

clem’s place is out of confuckingtrol.

as is usual, loads of photos and no time. working tonite. joke night yes finally some laughs instead of sad bastard poetry you have no idea how much of a smirk snark zen master i’ve become since working in the heart of the annex right smack dab in the middle of mirvish fucking village. sometimes i have to crouch behind the bar and pretend i am tying my laces-less shoes because i can no longer suppress my reaction to too much information spoken word. i’m way less of a dick about it but still, doesn’t mean it isn’t fruity just a little bit. one guy was all IF WRITING POETRY IS GAY THEN FINE I’M FUCKING GAY! all hostile and aggressive. over and over and over. i went cross-eyed zen over that bit. so many stories. ahhhhhh.

yesterday my outfit was so summery people in the street lost their minds. night time outfit was a gas as well. just be on your game a little bit and see how your life pans out.