what is happening right now i have heard nothing but helicopters in the sky for the last half hour, i’ve been flipping through news channels and websites and can’t find anything oot! what is it what is it what is it? am i the only one that cares? some doctor correspondent is talking about head lice right now on the news SHUT UP DUDE tell me why there is a helicopter orgy in the annex right now!!!??? and who am i ray liotta in goodfellas?
ps. i made fil a scavenger hunt cos he thinks i don’t like him anymore not true i’m just a crazy for the time being.
the first clue is IF YOU ARE THE LORD AND I AM THE RINGS, WHERE AM I? which leads to I AM STILL ALIVE NO THANKS TO YOU and so on, another clue is I AM THE MOST PRETENTIOUS AND USELESS THING IN THIS APARTMENT.
i told fil i had a surprise for him when he gets home. i bet he thinks it’s a blow job.
oh yeah the other day i said the james gay instead of the jays game.
still haven’t decided what to wear tomorrow EEK bye.
update: he’s doing it right now almost finished i had to help him a bit this is fun good idea me! he is smiling like a geeky little kid so cute.
update again: ok he’s done and he’s sad that there wasn’t a prize at the end, he thought i had tricked him and lied about him getting a pair of boots too hahaha aw.
see look how much of a goon i am, no time for make-up only time for boots. lets go back in time now and experience this together…
hugging my new friends.
with a tingle of crazy.
i almost feel like making a speech here you guys.
excitement blur.
see the cardboard in there, after taking a bunch of pics before trying them on i shoved my foot inside w/o sock or removing that cardboard and panicked, oh no i can’t get my foot inside they don’t fit! then i put socks on, sat myself down on the bed and before i started crying i jammed my hand inside to happily discover that piece of cardboard. they fit LIKE A DREAM.
fil is very bitter to say the least and he just informed me he doesn’t like me anymore. come on dude you have ten pairs of boots. he wanted the same pair as me in the guy version so we could be brangelina. yeah right, guy just wants another pair of feet outfits.
goony morning hippie hair land, i didn’t put on mascara yesterday so there’s no raccoon mess halfway down my face, just pale red ghost wasp face. that shirt was alicia’s, i had the same one in red with black dots, size 10, got rid of it recently, hers is size 4. there’s a garbage bag full of my cast-aways actually, if you want it email me soon cos it’s getting tossed in the charity bin pretty soon if not.
nice bruise and you can see the wine/melted ice glass on my bedside that i didn’t drink. ps. i was fine all day yesterday until i had a few tiny sips of beer then my heart started pounding. this guy can’t drink anymore!
all this posing is getting me hot.
next i am going to try on all my dress choices for sharpie and samir’s wedding tomorrow and you guys can help me decide, now that the boots are here i am less crazy over my outfit.
earlier: i am pretty sure my boots arrive today i am sitting here as still and as quietly as possible so as not to disrupt the universe and i am afraid to leave for a second to do laundry i can’t miss the buzzer omg buzzed they’re here omg live blogging this package i was smiling like a goon the dude brought them to the door and i yelled I AM SO EXCITED at him and he laughed brb with pictures.
Steph: i havent watched any yet ahaha washin the dishes I GOTTA WATCH
me: i feel bad for the last girl chosen theyre not even on a beach weird
Steph: wtf is “earths last eden anyways
me: uh no idea this is so brutal that chick is an ex 2004 olympic athlete wtf cant even run up a hill
Steph: oh man maybe everyone just seems like a huge tool in ep 1
me: they seem super lame this season hippos this is like the worst live blogging chat of survivor why does that old guy look like bill nye bow tie
Steph: awww i thought he was kinda cute this is boring tho
me: that old lady is so out of there first
Steph: ahahahah totes
me: shes a loon
Steph: hahaha get it, crap har
me: theyre blurring out the hot chicks nipple and the nerd didnt tell her about it
Steph: ahahaha oh i felt bad for him
me: me too he said it would be hot if she ate that termite then she did it cos she wants acceptance
Steph: ahaha um k marcus is cute
me: bleeding head head contusions bleed like crazy even if theyre a tiny nick
Steph: oh man i know first hand
me: ewwwwwwwwwwwwww sick stitches
Steph: i got 22 in my head once
me: wow
Steph: i ran into a fence ahahahahahah
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAH when u were trying to pick a guy up an doing yer classic steph smooth move
Steph: ahahaha actually in a grade 8 way YES i broke my nose and had 2 black eyes too
me: rough
Steph: but also funny when i was getting my stitches taken out my mom fainted ahaha
me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
me: i am sad for that old lady now i havent really been tuning in cos i am talking to fifty people at once that videographer has a hate on for her cos they are in the same age bracket video game guy has a boner for termite eater old lady doesnt like termite michelle meanwhile old lady is annoying everyone and is useless this better be a good challenge i bet this season is going to have the worst ratings why is that guy wearing a tie still and why isnt your heart in this anymore
Steph: AHAHAHAHAHAHA cuz this show has run its course
me: oh man that chick is being voted out cos she is putting them in their place roger lodge is wicked edit:haha that’s not roger lodge wrong show
Steph: AHAHAHA
me: and i love that sound effect when someone talks shit they blast a panflute very fiercely i think the ex olympic chick should be voted out cos she cant run up a hill
Steph: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAAA i know!!
me: when i get married i want the survivor band to play at my wedding
Steph: blast a panflute very fiercely BAND AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
me: the one that plays at the final episode
Steph: see u are way more entertaining than this dumb show my laptop doesnt even face the tv im in another “room”
me: i think every person in the tribe sucks except for the video game nerd
Steph: PROFESSIONAL GAMER have some respect
me: um can u not just bring your laptop to the tv this is so tense
Steph: no wireless SNAKE
me: wow the termite eater is only wearing underwear and some sort of sash made into a train behind her and she has bad skin and i am goin to crack that one beer in the fridge right now
Steph: dooooo it
me: FUCK TERMITE EATER IS GONE im pissed goes to show never go against the crowd i hope they get trampled by a fucking stampede of elephants in their hut while theyre sleeping omg im happy i made fire now everyone can eat good thing i could make fire WITH THIS FLINT I CREATED THE UNIVERSE ok beer time i am getting too riled up
Steph: ahahahaha but not the baby elephant from the stock footage that thing looked too cute to trample ps im watching the office now no idea what you’re talking about
me: oh me either
Steph: ahahahahahahahahaaaa
me: ahh beer quiets the rage
Steph: ahahahah apricot?
me: no bavaria should we live chat me drinking one beer oh god theres a snorer in that hut omg one guy woke up in the nite to do chores inside the hut
Steph: PAHA loser
me: now they are all fighting again
Steph: great show u should be watching the office hilarious
me: i cant wait to find out who the racist and the homophobes are they are using little twigs to brush their teeth
Steph: we already know the agists
me: now theyre mad the youngest kid they chose as leader decided not to be a leader cos theyre all rippin on him god i hate these people
they turned the a/c off in our building and flipped the heat on, it’s central air so we have no idea how to control it i feel like i am going through fucking menopause right now it’s like the time in woodstock we had a fire blazin’ (at nite) last indian summer and we were overheated to the max all week long my face was flushed i’m pretty sure i blew a few braincells from the heat alone but then the last day leslie realised the heat had been on all week long for some reason. it also is like that friends episode when the heat is cranked and stuck and ruins everything i am sitting here in my bikini top and underwear right now with chapstick smeared practically all over my face cos my lips are dried out from all this DRY HEAT what is this the desert? did i miss the arizona old folks newsletter?
geezer next door was givin’ it bad to the lady yesterday i almost called the old people police hotline, i’m not sure if it’s his mother or wife or sister now, i didn’t intervene cos i so cannot deal with stress right now but i have decided that the next time i go out to water the plants and she is doing her back and forth pacing rounds on the balcony i am going to pop my head around the barrier and ask her if she needs help, i have practicing the tone in which i plan to deliver this sentence, it must be just so so she doesn’t get her back up all defensive like women in abusive situations are oft to do for fear of more abuse. he was yelling at her about a sponge and where did she put the goddamn sponge and when she tried to answer he screamed SPEAK SPEAK IDIOT and yelled at her about how it was better before she moved in all in this disgusting tone, i stood there with my door open as still as stone. maybe i could go down to the super and say something?
this concludes the raymi times for now.
oh wait get this, steph and i have boycotted one of my local variety stores because we were 12 cents short on change for a bag of doritos that cost $3.94 (so jacked up) after we counted out all the change between us guy was like sorry no you are short so we had to give him a twenty SO STEAMED after all the business given to your crappily stocked store you cannot budge on this overpriced bag of doritos? awesome. i’m not even going to shop there on labour day (when i’m desperate) or christmas or any of those holidays you are open. he stood there while i dumped my purse on the counter and fished through every pocket corner for dimes and pennies for five minutes only to deny us, total cock!
we watched doomsday and it was most gratuitous in the pointless blood explosion dept. we knew we were in for a good ride when a fucking rabbit was shot and obliterated just to prove to the viewer that the guns on the wall were operated by censors. i have til tonite to watch and record that scene, my favourite in the whole movie, every time i played it over in my head throughout watching the movie i silently convulsed and shook the couch. i was also into how everything exploded in flames and blood a la simpsons shopping cart going off a cliff, makes total sense right? have any of you seen diary of the dead, is it terrible? i’ve read the synopsis of it a billion times in our movie guide, i don’t even want to know what our next rogers cable bill is going to be.
on another note, do you ever feel like you would get along with the lady on the phone who places your pizza order, like, you’ve asked so many questions about me and i know nothing about you, come on go, your turn cynthia, dish!
just kidding.
not really.
last nite’s operator asked me a thousand questions about my address like, thanks for making me obsess for 40 minutes or less over whether or not my pizza is going to be sent to etobicoke and why do you need my apt. number i gave you my buzzer, is the delivery guy gonna come up and share a root beer with us?
i just went for a nice little emo walk around the neighbourhood, forgot my camera, regretted it, so many things i noticed in the sun that would have made great photos, here let me try and post a picture in the form of WORDS AND MEMORY
photo 1: A PINK JELLY SPARKLY BICYCLE HANDLEBAR GLISTENING IN THE SUN
photo 2: 30 WHITE PORCELAIN TOILETS LAID OUT ON AN ENTIRE DRIVEWAY OF A BUILDING
photo 3: BLARING RED LEAVES ON EVERY OTHER TREE I PASSED AMPED UP BY SUNSHINE
photo 4: MY SHOES
photo 5: MY LEGS AND SHOES
photo 6: MY COFFEE
photo 7: THREE CURLS OF RIBBON, YELLOW, BLUE, PINK, IN A BUSH
photo 8: ONE OF THOSE BUSHES WITH RED BERRIES SPRINKLED ALL OVER, THE ONES THAT IF YOU SLAM THEM ON THE PAVEMENT THEY EXPLODE INTO CLEAR STICKY GOOEY SAP, SUMAC BERRIES? THEY HAVE TO BE POISONOUS
photo 9: A VAN WITH GRAFFITI TAGGED ALL OVER IT
i think that was all i noticed, see, it’s just not the same.
this (with all due respect) over the hill blogger says that a ouija board is an inappropriate gift for a little girl (ten year old).
1. he’s biased cos he believes in the lord and 2. how is using your imagination inappropriate? ps. raising spirits and predicting the future is about as real as god is.
in grade 6 we had this fair fundraiser in the gym to raise money to go toward a school trip and me and this girl were going to read people’s fortunes, we brought in scarves and a red lightbulb and i even brought my ask zandar crystal ball (i was going to heavily rely on it) anyway, the nite before the sale this guy i was “going with” casually tells his mom about the fundraiser, she asks what it’s all about, he tells her about the various tables that would be there and says there’s going to be a fortune teller, i guess he was proud that his new gf was going to be predicting the future? anyway, this lady flips out and calls my teacher, blathering on about the evil of magic and how it goes against catholicism and so on, meanwhile my teacher that year was notoriously religious and she saw no problem with this jokey little fortune booth but anyway, parents always win (you assholes) so the fortune table was shut down. teacher told us that morning so we got to mill about uselessly the entire afternoon and made zero dollars.
the point is, you stupid fucking hypocrites can believe in god and heaven and hell but you poo poo psychics and clairvoyants and ouija boards? how arrogant and deluded you are.
that was pretty much the beginning of my athiesm right then and there, the funniest thing is he had to fess up to me about it and i had to be all oh naw naw that’s cool no biggie. meanwhile i was tangenting my face off over some crazy religious parent and he had been silently taking it all day. i didn’t fully mind cos i was wearing this brand new slutty cheerleader skirt my mom just bought me for my birthday and i snuck it to school so i got to walk around the gym all afternoon showing off.
that dude later made out with a girl from another school at a party i didn’t go to weeks later and my friends found out about it and forced him to tell me and it took all my mental powers not to show it affected me then later on that day at recess the fuckin’ girls walked to our school and called me over to the fence to further torment me, didn’t care they all had crimped hair and looked like gina from boy meets world – the only thing i cared about was that i had decided to keep my gym shorts on and my long sleeved striped grunge shirt and had a greasy ponytail ‘do that day = zero game. fuck grade 6!
blythe drawing was a disaster had to paint over, you can still see through the orange too, this canvas was annoying to paint also a speck of dirt cast a shadow on one part of it making it look like a dark smudge, i may or may not have spent five minutes trying to cover up the shadow of something that wasn’t even there.
lots of do-overs, maybe my show should be called second chances.
fil says he cannot believe that his first EVER box of salt purchased is almost empty, i know, stop the presses.
this time for real i am taking a steak break, i don’t think it’s entirely healthy choking down all that bloody meat, no wonder my heart feels like it’s going to explode every time i lie down.
nice shirt becky, you can’t tell in this picture but it was super big like a tent, going for the gypsy slutty androgynous look i guess.
the stir crazy got me so we went to kilgour’s where everyone seemed to be wasted and out on the patio this old white guy ripped the longest volcano eruptive fart and it traveled down to my end of the bench, fil was trying to tell me a story and i kept smirking, which annoyed fil and he’s like what what i’m like CAN’T TELL YOU YET KEEP TALKING, fart machine’s date was in the john and he was totally looking at me for a reaction i could tell from the corner of my eye. this is what i have learned about stealth farting and benches: NON-EXISTANT. if you are trying to silent fart away the last 3 pints you chugged don’t do it sitting on a bench cos the chick on the other side of the patio will know. also, after he unleashed this minute long bowel-emptying blast there was a brief nothingness and then one good singular after shock came out. gross. his date was loads younger and cocked to fuck, i was trying to deduce if she had tourettes or was just that drunk. i think he could tell i was disgusted by his watering the crap out of her cos once she started whining for a whiskey he distracted her out of it.
it got chilly so we went inside where i eavesdropped on some more fab conversations. we were trying to figure out the scene at kilgour’s, kz help me out here, my prediction is that these regulars used to hang there say 10 years ago at least, then they left the annex to do their worldly bidding and all eventually funneled back again to establish the regular homey vibe what is kilgour’s, all white comfortable in their skin oblivious to their cheesiness get-up, not all of them, but you know what i mean, white dude dreadlocks, stereotypical snooty artist crowd, very the real world, that’s the only comparison i got. late 20s-mid-30s crowd, i call it annex syndrome and i can say that cos i live here.
but more importantly, why do i care? derno, guess i should save that question for my future therapist. i think i’m pointlessly suspicious and curious of everything, i’m certain there’s deeper meaning to all the goings-on around me and it’s a constant battle to shut it all out. jesus, just be happy i don’t live on queen w hahaha, too easy.
then we left cos i wasn’t anywhere close to drunk and everyone else was doing shots and bla bla blahing their heads off.
i think i’ll give this little chap a fine suit of blue.
we watched the killing of john lennon, my thoughts are just pure rage and sadness, someone at the movie store put a note on the cover of one of the copies which is why i rented it, saying you could not take your eyes off it, dude who plays chapman is amazing etc and so forth – i disagree because it actually took us two days to watch it, v easy to take my eyes off, and the chapman squire repulsed me so much, i suppose that’s the point. i find it hard to admire the guy who is playing the villain in movies, hard to separate, unless it is a dark comedy. which i guess is ironic coming from me seeing as i am basically the villain of blogging.
