of fun make to shit finding

before we canoodled (blogger does not recognize this as a real word) last nite i was really feelin’ this guy apparently.

v. into it.

uh, so, i tore out part of my left thumbnail two days ago and it hurts to type, there’s exposed pulpy skin, i thought i was just tearing at a hangnail, nope, turns out it was much more.

who thinks it’s a good idea for me to steal pictures from people’s facebook’s from my past and tell stories about them on my blog? obviously bad idea, which equals GOOD blog material. no, GREAT blog material and like that wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass at all!

what would you like more, a guide to being obnoxious or a guide to being interesting?

here’s something, i put on some burt’s bees yeah? that stuff is awesome, works better than any other chap stick, agreed? also it doesn’t have that chemical that all the others have that actually dries your lips out thus propagating the chap stick dependency.

well anyway so i have it on my lips, then i have it on my fingers, then i get it on my toilet paper, then i get it on my butt hole (accidentally!), true story, happened just now, so all that rapid relief was experienced by my ass. and by ass i mean anus. i came into the room and shared this with fil and tried to describe the sensation using my fingers by clenching and releasing them rapidly like pulsation? you’re welcome for the hard facts. why i don’t have a tv show right now i don’t know.

then fil was looking at his arm and i said what are you looking for, muscles? ahahha

radmad gave me this crazy lube for your clit and you’re only supposed to use a dob half the size of your pinky nail, it is that extreme, burt’s bees is like 1/10 the amount of intensity, but still, DON’T PUT IT ON YOUR ANUS! this lube is only meant for the clit because it will numb you up right after it sets you on fucking fire! i guess it’s like tiger balm? if you’re a horny slut and ask me enough i will get off my ass and get you the name of this stuff.

*he just read this post and now he is flexing at me.

oh yeah i also saw this guy last nite and couldn’t remember why he looked so familiar then it came to me just as i was passing him and his group of people so i go hey you’re a comedian right? he goes yeah. i say you do the praying mantis right, then put my arms up in the air and weebled them around bending and extending them like a praying mantis. he goes yeah and all his friends are like woah! and i say, yeah, you’re really funny. then i continue my walk on over to the JD bar and get a lemonade jack and this guy and all his friends (who are likely comedians too that i inadvertently fully snubbed by not acknowledging their senses of humour) are staring at me, and his friends stared at me for the rest of the nite actually and i could tell they were doing a george costanza in their heads over not being singled out.

well if they looked like praying mantises i would remember them too!