sharpie had to translate what this text meant to samir.

salmon fillet.

sharpie email me that booze delivery number so next time we are prepared thank you from now on i will only write you emails from my blog.

i am very tired in this picture, this is at dinner with leslie the first nite in after a long drive.

american tim horton’s right after we crossed the border.

garden vegetable on cheese croissant, they couldn’t toast it i said are you sure you can’t just throw it in that bagel factory she said it would set on fire dear american tim horton’s, change your bagel toaster settings to NOT ON FIRE.

i didn’t even bother to get the stains out of that dress, it has pockets too and when i put my hands in the pockets and walk people float away into dreamland.

leslie had this and got the rest to go which i inhaled some of before bedtime at 4 in the morning and then ate the rest the following afternoon.

fil had general tso’s chicken. we ordered a bottle of wine and barely had two glasses, asked beforehand if we could leave with it out the back door if we couldn’t finish it. score.

i had shrimp with looks like vomit lobstersauce and finished it in two minutes.

oh really are you sure i thought it was the other way around?

well duh why do you figure that’s where dead bodies go?

oh please, i am all ABOUT me-focused duties.

whimsical pillow party.

leslie has great taste.

she let me keep that i hope she doesn’t have second thoughts.

people in america line up in their cars to mail their letters at the post office’s mailbox outside on the sidewalk and the chute faces the road and sticks out at window level wtf it’s called walking! look forward to my obese america post.

it was so hot, i wanted to go swimming, that lake was deserted. fil didn’t bring a bathingsuit and leslie is porcelain-skinned. assholes.

this is where i was going to do stand-up.

and a girl yell-talk barked at me that i had wicked boots.

leslie is allergic to the entire universe she said no tomatoes.

fil’s burger was too rare, he sent it back for more cooking. he said it sucked.

from what? oh you are being cute i get it.

i told leslie to buy that to scare fil but i spoiled the surprise by telling him there was a surpise outside, i was worried it would be too effective as he was very fragile hung that day.

hippie atm directions.

my baby chicken burrito.

it was pretty good, you don’t have to tell them what you want in it, that’s one annoying thing about new-wave fusion restaurants where there are fifty different variations to one simple thing. i am hungry, make up my mind for me, thank you.

i saw this first, fil copied me.

this one t-shirt place in town had a wicked bad attitude and because of that i didn’t get a shirt.

opus 40 <3

down in between the walls it was very cold, up above it was very hot.

here i am asking fil why he is being a bitch cos i was waiting for him to walk with me through the labyrinth part for the first time (the guy who built it was killed by his own creation so it’s a bit eerie-feeling) i called his name he answered but didn’t appear, then i called again louder and he didn’t come then i screamed his name i thought he didn’t hear me he appears and is like WHAT!? i said hello i asked you to come with me five minutes ago why are you being a bitch then he asked why i was being a bitch etc. do you get crabby with your bf/gf on vacations sometimes? anyway i got over it and explored the rest by myself.

paris hilton?

baby chicken burrito

i am so hung/tired in this photo i couldn’t even speak english and was trying to communicate telepathically and with hand gestures and nodding and blinking. we are all sitting around making fun of the internet guy installing high speed, don’t ask about wifi unless you want to get in a fight.

go to fil’s flickr page for more pictures, some with me not even in them if you can believe it.

we are home now.

the success dress.

butchie asked monstergirl to tell him if i actually ate something during the day, i did, but just waif-shit to be funny.

they wear the same outfit for days on end.

apparently this is what woodstock hippies think paris hilton looks like. this is at opus 40.

barf scam.

would you still read my blog if i wore a crystal?


nice sweater.

i bought that wine to be funny, burn on me IT SUCKS!

wine store.

when i discovered it fit, i only have my base on that’s why i don’t have eyes or lips.

so amped. wearing this periodically throughout the week since sunday has made me lose weight and forced me to suck it in so i feel tighter. add that to the skinny guide.

cid from when we were cleaning up for samir, at this point fil is vacuuming, cid does NOT appreciate the noise.

more to come, these weren’t anywhere close to being in order.

django the minx.

they voted the right girl off of ANTM last nite i half-paid attention to the episode cos leslie came back put her laptop in my hands and said you have work to do, work as in go on an internet dissing tour and drink margaritas. if by now you don’t know what antm is, google it, i am not writing it out, and, while on the subject of google, why even ask questions on the internet at all? hello, lazy. i tend to do it only to keep it personal, like we are all having a conversation in your comments but asking totally easy questions instead of just researching it yourself is lazy and annoying, dear raymi why can’t you just figure it out for me? ps. you are ugly. i guess i am magical in a way and i have all the answers and that’s the entire point of this blog.

i am totally going to make some wicked toilet art the second monstergirl is out of the bathroom whenever that is.

she has all these stevie nicks type long billowy dresses and sequiny liza minelli shirts and crazy everything we played asshole last nite and i wore a handmade beaded egyptian-like headdress. i called her and fil ETHICAL ZIONISTS to get out of feeling bad for saying something a bit too mean and for the rest of the nite they burned me with that. fil spilled his drinks all nite long. i also said I LIKE YOUR JEANS after i made her pick up 5 cards and that is now another burn don’t ask me to explain it don’t forget that i am not doing the thinking for you guys anymore after 7 years of partying with me online you should know what everything i say means from all angles.

oh finally she’s done.

ok i’m back, i forgot to tell you that this cottage is haunted by a broom sweeper guy and last nite fil put a broom in the stairway to make him appear.

he didn’t.

today a hippie said to leslie that i was “that paris hilton chick with dark hair” we went to opus 40 and it was closed so we went into woodstock again, leslie went back to manhattan and after an hour of looking at retarded shit in town i texted and said opus was closed then she said did you tell them you are friends of < insert famous person here > we said no she called and they let us walk around, it’s fucking awe inspiring, anyway we were supposed to make a 5 dollar donation but the dude went away and we were too shy to go inside the house to bug him anyway leslie called back thinking we were turned away again and one lady said oh did they come in a silver car (actually gun metal grey) yes oh was it a guy and a paris hilton chick with dark hair (because i am wearing big glasses?) i guess it’s a compliment maybe they don’t see too many big glasses in these parts.

i almost bought a crystal in town.


and i seriously considered getting a tie-dye shirt again fil stopped me. in my mind i think i can make it happen.

we are drinking margaritas. leslie is back. we bought “prosciutto” from a supermarket and it does NOT taste like the prosciutto back home. i showed fil the donut sticks and the little debbie snacks and the ready to go hot dogs in buns. people look at us in fil’s car and think we are from the future. there are lots of plaques for fil to read. booze is cheaper. i bought fil a heineken 5L keg yesterday, it’s finished now. last nite we watched the ex, it sucked so much it was like watching a rough-edit.

it’s v. hot here too.

just came back from woodstock. i saw ten million hippies. i didn’t bring my laptop or camera cord so you’ll have to wait for the visual explosion a few more days. i got some cute trinkets and was super close to buying a tiny tie-dyed t-shirt but then realised EW. saw the wine store guy again. there are too many wicked burns to share. america has oscar meyer pre-cooked weiners in the buns already to go for school lunches. you have a million different little debbie snacks too. donut french fries for dunking in coffee.

i’m going to do open mic tonite at this bar that thinks it’s the cultural pulse of the catskills (so isn’t) and leslie offered to pay me for every hippie i piss off, i’m going to start ‘er off with what’s orange and looks good on hippies? pause pause pause FIRE! then plop the mic to the floor and leave w/o even saying bye to her. or fil. if you have any other hippie jokes PLEASE leave them in my comments we are sitting here fucking hung taking turns sighing and moaning and listening to fil talk about his feelings. we can’t tell you the bar cos we don’t want you to come. oh this girl like yelled at me from across the empty bar/restaurant that i had nice boots and it made me uncomfortable. we were all wearing sunglasses at breakfast too. leslie is mysterious by the way. i might road-test my spiders material too or address everyone in the room individually and do a sweeping room ‘dis tour. hippies aren’t aggressive are they?

we are in the catskills with leslie til friday, we might go to manhattan to see jamie or meet him somewhere in between. i totally forgot what it was like to be amongst magnificent non-chalant pot-smoking poseurs, (the people here not leslie), anyway i like it i feel like i am on mars and keep forgetting we aren’t in canada. the wine store guy was baked and lazy and of no help and a car beeped outside and he was like what is that noise and leslie said oh isn’t it an alien implant? and he kind of freaked out looking under shelves for a message from the CIA and he was playing a guitar when we came in what a doink. then we had chinese food and the bartender was wearing tight leopard print hot pants and was maybe 50 and our waiter sucked his teeth and didn’t know what vermicelli was. we stayed up til 4 and my phone kept texting leslie all nite long repeat messages, cos it’s roaming i guess. leslie’s dog is cute and has diabetes and everytime i look at him i sigh out loud. fil drank a lot of wine last nite and then got emotional about cid and no one cared. this place is fucking whimsical and we have said that word like 300 times since being here. i can’t wait to hacky sack in the town square and buy a hooka sesh. this is where we are right now. JEALOUS MUCH!