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ok maybe some of you are jonesing for my little bitchy this is what happened and these are all my insane perspectives on it anecdotes, so here is one, i will try and draw it out as long as possible, just for you.
so i was with my mom on monday, dentist day, and afterward we were tooling through oakvegas, she was lagging mental taking a thousand pictures of every store dog and car and i was getting supes annoyed anyway so i am walking to the second cup on the corner of lakeshore and navy and i can see two beasts of women and a little kid coming along navy also headed in the direction of second cup and i can tell by the pace of my stride that we are going to arrive at the door at the same time pretty much EXCEPT i will be there one foot quicker THEREFORE i have right of way and no i do not grant after yous to bitches with kids just cos they have a kid in tow, sorry, that kid has to start learning now that life isn’t fair and all that, also, hello, kids, hate em*!
ok so i get there and the lady gets there too but i am there first and at least am aware of this lady and the other one and the kid but she is like marching right on in oblivious to me so i cock-block her with my left foot/pointy toe and slip in before her (i won!) and she says oh sorry and means it, but then has an internal bipolar meltdown in her head when she realises she’s been punked by a younger not fat straight-haired tall arrogant young lady (me) and so as i am waiting in line to order she stands right beside me in my comfort zone full on trying a mexican oh you went there stand-off, and i would not grant her the satisfaction of acknowledgement at all (BURN) not once as she was breathing down my neck did i even act like a crazy big-haired hippopotamus was anywhere near me and the funny thing is, second cup did not even offer what i wanted (iced coffee) so i hmmed and hawed a few seconds longer to waste everyone’s time (passive aggression is cool) then gave some ‘tude and left and my mom was all what the fuck was that about you were really bitchy to that guy, then i told her the mental anguish of the last 3 minutes i had just suffered, the end.
*i will clarify, i do not hate them all, just the ugly ones.
we saw lavender diamond last nite at lee’s, it would have broken your heart, so endearing, and between songs banter, hilarious. then i chatted up devon (guitar guy) after he said he wanted to go out and party and convinced him and the rest to go to green room and of course the 6 lez groupie chicks in dresses followed us. needless to say fil and i are hurting today. no we didn’t do that, and we didn’t do that either. steve, keys, said i looked like katherine keener, he did the being john malkovich soundtrack and had to look at her a lot and decided i am a dead ringer, i said well don’t all women look like katherine keener to you now? he said no.
i thought the groupie chick beside me was trying to footsies me at one point, i was super close to reciprocating, but we had to go oh and that ragamuffin fraser young doppleganger is the sound guy, scott, got all the groupie action, for some reason anyway you don’t care.
devon, above, at one point asked if fil was gay, he said our tongue kiss looked too fake and we WERE sorta taking the piss in making him think we were siblings, anyway, i made him feel REALLY stupid and bad and for the rest of the nite he was like no hard feelings? and gave fil the rest of his pint. then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend and i asked why she had the worst haircut ever, she’s probably gay and fully rug-munching this very moment, i think i said she was ugly. that’s what you get for hatin’ on my man. the other bandguys were like DUDE WHAT DID YOU SAY!? anyway, haha devon.
maybe i should write a guide to picking up bands, it was pretty easy, i coulda been karla homolka for all they knew.
i really liked steve and i think he liked me too even though i told him he looked like the pervert asshole from dawn of the dead, COMPLIMENT DUDE! anyway, they are an LA band, thought they were NY, but no. feel lucky LA.
me and becky, singer, she is very endearing and charming, i think i told her that amongst other gay-off shit. she might have a few screws loose, in a good way, talks about peace and love and mystical moments, i dunno, must be nice to not be an asshole. she said epic a few times too, i liked that.
and now my food poisoning transcript, it will be in my amazing third book that will be published NEVER! enjoy! the bold shit is my current spin explanations.
2.15 am! may 29
on a scale of 1 to 10 of blowing my life is an 18 right now. i most certainly have fucking food poisoning. never ever eating east side mario’s again. was it the crab cakes?! question mark AND exclamation point to emphasize the anguish and confusion if so why isn’t my dad hurting right now? can it be the cheese sauce from my pasta? or the chicken wrap at lunch? if so wrap, my mom is in trouble. if pasta cheese, brother would be too. either way today fucking sucked! 5 cavities! food poisoning, no internet! FUCK!
my stomache is making explosions, i haven’t ralphed yet, i have been sitting up in bed trying to ride it out, to beat it. total vomit trauma fear i’m too polite to go hang out on the bathroom floor until i pass out for a few hours. the cold floor typically helps. i don’t wanna worry my dad. but jeeez this is nuts. i’m balls tired and fuckin tired of sitting up with the lamp on reading my nazi book. when i turn off the lite and lie down i feel way queasy
ungh i am sooo depressed about this i just want to fucking sleep. god i wish i crashed earlier, i could be sleeping through this shitstorm right now instead of sitting up on the verge of crybabyland.
stupid drawing of myself here
even if i was keen on spewing, that isn’t even in the cards yet, not for an hour or something @ least.
i am never ever eating at A RESTAURANT again and i am never having pasta stuffed with mysterious asparagus and cheese Hmmm maybe it’s from the doggybag? sitting in the car? oooh if so shawn is SCREWED with a capital ‘s’ cos i only had one bite he had 15 of those guys. maybe i’ll text him. no maybe not cos the power of suggestion for him will be way too strong and he’ll convince himself poisoned. i should write soap operas
i wish i was on the bathroom floor @ home. last time i felt this way fil made me feel ten times worse/more stressed by suggesting i was pregnant. Thanks pal. That makes me feel loads better. I feel like i might go crap too but am too lazy/tired to bother so i know something’s not right ie. food poisoning. why am i such a fucking fraidy cat when it comes to puking?
oh i’m just so fucking spent 2:32am my hair is tied back in case and i am wearing a shirt so if my dad busted in on me he doesn’t have to see me naked.
mostly though when feeling like this, clothing is so annoying to deal with much less have touching your body.
i really hope he’s not awake right now, thinking i am a fucking weirdo like when i was a kid. my legs hurt from sitting cross-legged so long i will go back to reading my book now i hope i beat this thing. i’m burping a bit i tanned today can that do something to your stomache’s insides? oh i’m such a retard.
so for the rest of the nite i read vice and my book and leaned on my elbow on elevated pillows and cruised in and out of nauseous sleep. fucking blew! but i didn’t ralph or shit myself but it was like that til 5 in the fucking morning and then i slept all day til 1.30 in the afternoon. the end
me: fathers day is june 17
me: surpise you are going to be a dad!
yeah like i would tell you that over gchat
and spell surprise wrong
it’s payback for saying maybe i was pregnant last time i felt sick
me: why arent you fucking laughing
if you are being mental right now you seriously need to get over yourself
Phil: it’s not funny
me: yes it is
way to buzzkill
Phil: no that’s what u just did retard
me: it was a fathers day joke
are you finished having a rainman moment yet so we can get back to fun
if you haven’t eaten yet, you might want to piss off
capon wings, word.
THE BEST BLACKENED POTATO SALAD TO EVER SLAY YOUR LIFE!
i’m pretty bummed i missed out on the dubdubdubya yesterday holy lindsay lohan! i saw it all on cnn in bed last nite and fil was like yeah she dui’d and someone had yayo on em. !!!1!!!!!1! and her dad is being all gross talking about her to anyone with a microphone yeesh. i bet she’s gonna come out of rehab fat, fingers crossed.
check the lips/jaw and why does paris look 80?
yeah this is behaviour i only partake in when fully sobes. brownie’s honour.
tacky rich bitch secondhand shit no thanks i have so much money i made a mistake in buying 300 dollar pink pieces of puke maybe i can reclaim some of that dough and pass it off to a consignment store.
what a pathetic disgusting waste of money, fabric and slave labour.
turbo tan 8 minutes, didn’t know this particular one was like an octagonal dome over my top, that was a waste of 8 dollars.
worst salad ever.
dad had this, insert diarrhea jokes please.
this is all i could handle. i will never assume that a pub goes the way of minimalist when it comes to julienne salad. the menu read egg slice, cucumber, variety of cold cuts, lettuce, tomato… so i’m thinking nice, platter. wrong.
buying beer tickets, talking shit with sharpie about everyone especially long hair dude behind me trying cutsies, no way man.
1 and 2 – THE postcard goes to the louvre
3 – THE postcard mocks tourists on the siene
4 – THE postcard has the perfect paris lunch.
your favorite lez
you saw it here first.
these kids asked to interview me, i guess for school, i had to say what i thought about canada as a peace-keeping nation, what our reputation is globally, etc. WORST ANSWERS EVER! do not ever say yes to being put on the spot on a saturday hangover afternoon.