the huge glob cyst thing that was on my left wrist a yearish ago that went away is now growing back i think it’s a carpal tunnel thing. see you fucks i will let a huge disgusting ganglion grow on my hand just for you YOU’RE WELCOME.
i like squeezing it gently pulling it away from my hand and then squeezing it really hard ok that’s sick.
i got a pot of that body shop balm lotion and i said hey fil come here put your balls in this and they made this fwap sound and so there is a balls imprint in my lotion now ha. did i mention before that fil teabags me in the morning before he goes to work? if my face isn’t close to the edge of the bed he’ll teabag my foot or my hand instead haha MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the super+wife gave us a christmas card last week and not to be outdone i said to fil that we should get them a card and chocolates and then said well how do i give it to them do they have a mailbox of course i did not want to hand it off face to face and fil goes um knock on their door moron and i said NO WAY and then fil said ok fine i’ll go with you and i said NO and he said ok he’ll go alone and i said NO FUCKING WAY I DON’T WANT YOU GETTING CREDIT FOR MY CHOCOLATES I WILL DO IT MYSELF and fil said haha ok fine.
he reverse-psychologied me without even trying.
fil gets credit for EVERYTHING i do when people see us together they think i am some slob mutant in comparison cos he’s all adult and dressed nicely it drives me insane.
over the summer there was a clothing drive for a WOMEN’S shelter so i went through all my clothes and LOVINGLY folded them and filled three bag’s worth, they were pretty heavy, we walked them down to the car in the garage drove out to the visitor’s parking to drop them off and i said oh fil you go do it so he carries the bags over to these two librarian type looking ladies and i can see them grinning like horny nerds at him and breathlessly exclaim OH THANK YOU all cooey-like when they see the three bags of WOMEN’S CLOTHING he was offering. cos of that i am never ever EVER letting him carry anything and do the pass-off EVER AGAIN. i can’t get over HIM getting credit for MY clothes. so when he got in the car and we pulled out passed them i gave them MAJOR stink-eye, did they notice? NO.
i could write a bible’s worth of stories for when the bill comes and how i make it blatantly obvious that I am paying for it, and fil will still get thanked, sometimes i will say really loudly YOU’RE WELCOME from the other side of the room as i am leaving and time it for when fil would be saying it so that they only hear me i fucking swear i could be wearing a fur coat of twenty dollar bills and pluck out some of them to pay and no one would even notice.
i feel like a creep caus i read your blog a lot. i fucked up last night and i was drunk i did a couple laaame things and put people in fucekd up positions caus i was not thinking. i do my best to not talk about my fuck ups, just when i need to get it out i will vent. i guess it is admiring that you are so open with everything. uh that wasn’t to mean i think you are a fuck up clearly you are not, pretty much the opposite from what i see. and sometimes its nice to see that somebody you i feel like i stalk caus i have your website in my favourites has messed up and moved on and sometimes its just nice to have an example caus i realize my day will soon be over.
i don’t know why people make big deals about blue christmas lites THAT’S NOT A CHRISTMAS COLOUR they say with their hands in the air and their stupid fucking shoulders scrunched up to their ears um are you the christmas colours rep? in my head i am thinking about how stupid they are, complaining about a colour of lite that someone chose to adorn their home with personally offends you? why?!!? how about being greatful that someone put up any lites at all you know house after house after house with nothing and then oh blue lites wow you’re totally in a bad xmas mood now? gay. like there are suppose to be rules if you are planning to participate in christmas, you have to do it right, greens, reds, whites ONLY. fucking racists.
reminds me of elementary school during art class being told what to draw and how to draw it and if you did your own thing, S-, or “doesn’t listen to instructions.” (in my catholic elementary school they graded us VG+, VG- G, G+, G-, S, S- i don’t know what was below S- cos i never got anything below it, but i think it’s pretty dumb to have pluses and minuses beside a VERY GOOD like it is VERY GOOD yet, STILL KIND OF CRAPPY? it’s either VERY GOOD or VERY NOT GOOD make up your mind, retard.)
i think blue lites look wicked especially the LED ones but the regular ones when i look at them they are all blurry and i feel like i am wearing ten pairs of beer goggles and on acid, now that totally puts me in the holiday spirit. the LED blue lites are barely even blue they are mostly white with a tiny blue tint GET THE FUCK OVER IT YOU TACKY FUCKING LOSER WITH THE INFLATABLE SNOW GLOBE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN THE SIZE OF A GARAGE WHY DON’T YOU JUST STRETCH A BILL COSBY SWEATER OVER YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!?
yesterday we went to radmad‘s karaoke party but we didn’t get there til 1 in the morning and after a million drinks and rounds of guitar hero with pitt. oh yeah we saw tori spelling on bloor and she was carrying her own umbrella and walking and that somehow delighted me i dunno i guess i expect celebrities to travel by horse chariot or something anyway she was wearing this bad army bomber slut jacket and her ass was wide.
i 8 mile karaoke choked on the mic at radmad’s, it was funny cos i turned off this girl’s song who was lying down on the couch and singing and doing a perfectly good job of it then i put on hella good and after three lines realised i was waaaaaaaay too fucked to even read the words let alone stand AND sing AND do a better job than that girl was doing so i sat down on the seat near the tv to change the song and when i bent over i felt like i might puke so i didn’t change the song i just kind of sat there uselessly while everyone was like WHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED? and i immediately became everyone’s enemy you know when it’s howling hour at a party and everyone is feeling HONEST and they are unable to pretend show you they like you and they’re trashed mean yeah that was the fucking vibe haha.
if you want celebrities to think you are cool enough to deal with then you have got to be interesting, i cannot stress that enough, and what you think that you are? no no i’m sorry, go back, do it again and then come back. people ask me all the time HEY RAYMI HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET RON SPARKS TO COMMENT ON YOUR MYSPACE? (just kidding ron sparks, no one asked me that) and i say it is because i am SOCIALLY ENGAGING also, being good looking won’t fucking kill you either. if you can, be that. um what else, oh be funny, if you aren’t interesting then you at least have to be funny, if you can’t make a toddler laugh then you have NO CHANCE at hanging with a celebrity, no dice.
you basically want to lube them into thinking hey why the FUCK is this person hanging out with me i am a pile of garbage and they, THEY are FUCKING AWESOME.
also it is a major plus if you have at least one eccentric friend who will do anything you tell them for the sake of entertainment like HEY JOSH GO LICK THAT GARBAGE CAN, hilarity ensues. see, hanging with celebrities can be nerve-racking for both parties, they are kind of unsure as to why they are hanging with you so it’s like you’re always being tested and you’re nervous cos you have to like talk about all this shit, talking can be hard, so if you have a friend that is licking a garbage can you and your celebrity can talk about THAT.
simple.
another plus is having an acquaintance present that you DO NOT LIKE, this can open up the shit-bagging bag which is ALWAYS fun and gets the ball rolling for your celebrity friend to shit-bag their nemesi. that word isn’t real i don’t think but it is FUCKING COOL TO SAY i just pictured myself with a silencer pp7 in a black one-piece squatting behind a corner and i was mouthing that word which brings me to my next tip, remeber how i said be interesting, non-sequitors are a big part of being interesting, use them and use them often.
example:
hey isn’t it funny how COWABUNGA sounds like COWAJUNGA?
i just got a picture text message from my friend jamie of an elephant, having a cellphone is handy cos then you can be like hey look A PICTURE OF A FUCKING ELEPHANT, nice save jamie. if you can, get your friends to text you but not too many texts DON’T GET GREEDY, you are not a douchebag drug dealer and you are not yuppie mcflappy important talking on the phone non-stop annoying pants, if you want your celebrity to go away that is a sure-fire way of making it happen, dicknose.
uh what else oh yeah if celebrity gets bored they will go elsewhere in search of fun.
booze and blow are an obvious duh, having those things readily available is like wearing shoes, fucking WEAR THEM.
ok good luck.
me: im writing a guide to hanging with celebrities
merkley???: thats great did you want some pointers?
me: no
merkley???: celebrities also like to be preached to but you have to wait until they ask advice
me: right well i dont want to be insulting
merkley???: celebrities are generally very insecure and fame is a way of masking that fact but yeah — interesting — you have to be interesting if you want ANYONE to really like you
merkley???: also, make celebrities follow you get up and leave if you have done your job with the interesting/funny thing, they will follow
me: ya go across the street to buy a sandwich and some smokes and then turn around in line and you are like oh, hi
merkley???: and when they try to get you to party — say nah — i’m not really into that shit, i think i’m gonna go home and work on my blog then when they finally do convince you to have one more drink — roll your eyes as you do the shot like its so beneath you like fun is for fags in fact say that a lot FUN IS FOR FAGS also — its good to point at people who are really having a lot of fun and say stuff like “thats sad” wait — i’m talking about how to hang out with sean penn thanks — you’ve been great, don’t forget to tip your waitresses –
merkley???: whatever ignorer — that was some funny shit
me: dude im laughing my ass off right now pitt is over he just answered the fone CAPTAIN PITT if someone called me in front of a celebrity i would answer the fone captain raymi also he went to starbucks and asked the baristas if they ever pretend to be like sean penn from i am sam (retard who works at starbuck’s) and they just looked at him like he was being a prick
hmm it appears i have missed quite a few what should have been obvious pointers i mayhaps have to do a redux. saying mayhaps is ok but only if you say it no more than twice a year. redux is good too. you also need to be arrogant but not unjustifiably arrogant, you need to be arrogant with a sprinkle of humility and you have to be genuine. ok that is all good luck at being me, basically.
this bitch in the laundry room gave me cut-eye when i came in and then i went to use one of the dryers and i took out the lint trap and it was full of her fucking fluff lint and she had the nerve to give me stink-eye even when i said hello nicely to her IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE A DUMPY ASS AND UGLY SHORT HAIR AND YOU READ O MAGAZINE i’m so fucking sick of 35-45 year old women giving me attitude for no other reason other than i am younger fuck you when you were my age i was reading r.l. stine alone in my room all nite long it’s my turn now you fucking hag.
