i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything

and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that

but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper

but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk

they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was

they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all

anyway, happy halloween.