Raymi

jennifer!!!

ok that disturbed me, when i was 12 i was not plotting how to screw boys, i was fantasizing about rock stars and writing about that, i didn’t have this thing called msn, i didn’t even have the friggin’ internet, my friend dan did and we’d go there to write emails to random businesses on the web and the emails were something like this, “You’re a homo and you suck your own penis and you are so ugly and you’re gay!”

you know, mature stuff like that, and then we’d rip the hell out of the company, i think one sold fishing rods or something and we made lewd fishing rod comments, and then dan’s dad got an email about the whole thing and dan got in trouble but not really, well sort of, ‘cos we were suppose to be working on our geography project but janet kept walking in and telling me she was fat and i was like no u aren’t shut up you are pretty dur dur dur

anyway, this jennifer girl who emailed me, i refuse to respond, i am actually considering abolishing the how to be a slut article because people have taken it way too seriously and i am still being emailed about it but now it’s coming from little girls? sometimes men will email me and ask my advice about their wives screwing around on them and then i write long emails about what signs to look for when really the problem is they are just not meant to be or their needs aren’t being met, i dunno.

the world is fucked and so are people and they are all on the internet and they are all looking at porn and cheating on each other and now little jennifer is wanting to be just like me, so, now what?

oh and ps jennifer i do not fuck every guy that likes me, i apologize if it appears to be that way, but it isn’t that way, i am actually quite a loyal person, these days especially, and i wanted you to know that.

damnit.

Raymi

jennifer!!!

ok that disturbed me, when i was 12 i was not plotting how to screw boys, i was fantasizing about rock stars and writing about that, i didn’t have this thing called msn, i didn’t even have the friggin’ internet, my friend dan did and we’d go there to write emails to random businesses on the web and the emails were something like this, “You’re a homo and you suck your own penis and you are so ugly and you’re gay!”

you know, mature stuff like that, and then we’d rip the hell out of the company, i think one sold fishing rods or something and we made lewd fishing rod comments, and then dan’s dad got an email about the whole thing and dan got in trouble but not really, well sort of, ‘cos we were suppose to be working on our geography project but janet kept walking in and telling me she was fat and i was like no u aren’t shut up you are pretty dur dur dur

anyway, this jennifer girl who emailed me, i refuse to respond, i am actually considering abolishing the how to be a slut article because people have taken it way too seriously and i am still being emailed about it but now it’s coming from little girls? sometimes men will email me and ask my advice about their wives screwing around on them and then i write long emails about what signs to look for when really the problem is they are just not meant to be or their needs aren’t being met, i dunno.

the world is fucked and so are people and they are all on the internet and they are all looking at porn and cheating on each other and now little jennifer is wanting to be just like me, so, now what?

oh and ps jennifer i do not fuck every guy that likes me, i apologize if it appears to be that way, but it isn’t that way, i am actually quite a loyal person, these days especially, and i wanted you to know that.

damnit.

now i have to decide if i am going to wash my face or not or if i should go get coffee or juice or eat something or take advil though it’s all of the above the washing of the face is the one that gets me

if you know me personally then you’ll know i am of the dirtbag-persuasion and that stems from the following:

1. lazyness

2. lazyness

3. too busy talking about lazyness

4. too busy making “funny” comments or thinking them wanting to write them down or taking photos of the same stuff everyday but maybe this time it will look better?

5. not caring but caring only about how much other people will know i am wearing make-up on top of make-up because of

6. lazyness

7. sdfihdsfhdsvnewirtu43598743

8. i am hungry

9. shut up

10. i hate that the number ten is a two-digit number and now my list isn’t congruent

11. i will at least brush my teeth

12. this list is awesome

13. well it is the weekend so it doesn’t matter how trashy i look

14. right, this isn’t toronto, there are important rich people walking around with their families

15. DAMMIT!%$#@*

16. i could wear my ninja outfit

17. ok that is just weird

18. though pretty funny plus i am laughing out loud, sort of

19. i wish cats could speak

20. asshole cats

so ya, i guess i was always manic, i just thought about this three half-seconds ago, i was thinking about how i can hammer out all this thought-tangent nonsense really fast and it was like that in school too – i wanted to do it as fast as possible and i didn’t care how shitty it looked, it was perfect in my eyes and i didn’t care if ms. HAG wanted me to draw that mountain less-ugly i was like screw that mountain look at that seal, that seal is WICKED! and she was like, F.

kidding, she gave me a B and i was down with that because it was close to recess and i was in enrichment anyway and soon to be the valedictorian on account of my loudmouth “getting along with everyone though annoying the crap out of everyoneness”

this chump tole my mum oh isshe gonna coast on that valedictorian crap forever?

yes chump, i am, because you were not a valedictorian and that’s why you are ripping me for it, and i don’t give a cuss-word that this was in grade-school, i don’t give a cuss-word period and that is why i reminisce about school because i did and said a lot of funny stuff and i was picked on and teased just as much as everyone else and i am young still and i remember a lot of things so i write them down and talk about them to entertain myself and others, not to brag or to indulge

‘cos when my mum told me they had chosen me i was confused because i didn’t think i deserved it because by grade eight i was slaaacking ‘cos i was so miserable and under-challenged and by then teacher’s had grown-accustomed to my bs and offering to read my assignment first because i was too impatient to sit there with the thing in front of me on my desk not being shared, it was like fire, @#$%, get it off my desk now, my peers have to hear what i wrote last nite, they have to hear it now

anyway

i was flat and had a big nose and i was tall and sort of skinny but then started being all insecure about my body weight ‘cos of those dumb girl magazines and because i was a brainer though a COOL brainer, people hated me more i guess so my phsyical flaws were their blessings, you know, chumpface?

this post was only suppose to be a ten numbered list with that funny engrish picture and now look at it.

now i have to decide if i am going to wash my face or not or if i should go get coffee or juice or eat something or take advil though it’s all of the above the washing of the face is the one that gets me

if you know me personally then you’ll know i am of the dirtbag-persuasion and that stems from the following:

1. lazyness

2. lazyness

3. too busy talking about lazyness

4. too busy making “funny” comments or thinking them wanting to write them down or taking photos of the same stuff everyday but maybe this time it will look better?

5. not caring but caring only about how much other people will know i am wearing make-up on top of make-up because of

6. lazyness

7. sdfihdsfhdsvnewirtu43598743

8. i am hungry

9. shut up

10. i hate that the number ten is a two-digit number and now my list isn’t congruent

11. i will at least brush my teeth

12. this list is awesome

13. well it is the weekend so it doesn’t matter how trashy i look

14. right, this isn’t toronto, there are important rich people walking around with their families

15. DAMMIT!%$#@*

16. i could wear my ninja outfit

17. ok that is just weird

18. though pretty funny plus i am laughing out loud, sort of

19. i wish cats could speak

20. asshole cats

so ya, i guess i was always manic, i just thought about this three half-seconds ago, i was thinking about how i can hammer out all this thought-tangent nonsense really fast and it was like that in school too – i wanted to do it as fast as possible and i didn’t care how shitty it looked, it was perfect in my eyes and i didn’t care if ms. HAG wanted me to draw that mountain less-ugly i was like screw that mountain look at that seal, that seal is WICKED! and she was like, F.

kidding, she gave me a B and i was down with that because it was close to recess and i was in enrichment anyway and soon to be the valedictorian on account of my loudmouth “getting along with everyone though annoying the crap out of everyoneness”

this chump tole my mum oh isshe gonna coast on that valedictorian crap forever?

yes chump, i am, because you were not a valedictorian and that’s why you are ripping me for it, and i don’t give a cuss-word that this was in grade-school, i don’t give a cuss-word period and that is why i reminisce about school because i did and said a lot of funny stuff and i was picked on and teased just as much as everyone else and i am young still and i remember a lot of things so i write them down and talk about them to entertain myself and others, not to brag or to indulge

‘cos when my mum told me they had chosen me i was confused because i didn’t think i deserved it because by grade eight i was slaaacking ‘cos i was so miserable and under-challenged and by then teacher’s had grown-accustomed to my bs and offering to read my assignment first because i was too impatient to sit there with the thing in front of me on my desk not being shared, it was like fire, @#$%, get it off my desk now, my peers have to hear what i wrote last nite, they have to hear it now

anyway

i was flat and had a big nose and i was tall and sort of skinny but then started being all insecure about my body weight ‘cos of those dumb girl magazines and because i was a brainer though a COOL brainer, people hated me more i guess so my phsyical flaws were their blessings, you know, chumpface?

this post was only suppose to be a ten numbered list with that funny engrish picture and now look at it.

i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything

and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that

but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper

but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk

they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was

they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all

anyway, happy halloween.

i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything

and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that

but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper

but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk

they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was

they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all

anyway, happy halloween.

TOP TEN CHILDREN’S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. The Boy who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

8. Legends of Scab Football

7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina

6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can’t Remember the Endings to All of Them

4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom’s Purse

3. Things Rich kids Have That You Never Will

2. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

this post was plagiarised from THE “LATE NIGHT with DAVID LETTERMAN” book of TOP TEN LISTS, 1990.

TOP TEN CHILDREN’S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. The Boy who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

8. Legends of Scab Football

7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina

6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can’t Remember the Endings to All of Them

4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom’s Purse

3. Things Rich kids Have That You Never Will

2. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

this post was plagiarised from THE “LATE NIGHT with DAVID LETTERMAN” book of TOP TEN LISTS, 1990.