Dear Douglas Coupland

Hi it’s me. been awhile huh? do you know that you made me go crazy in Los Angeles? it’s true. you and bill gates did it. oh and ten trillion bong hits and zero hours’ sleep. i made the whole neighborhood hate me by dancing around in the street in my pajamas singing justin timberlake songs. my hair was crazzy too all the time and when i got back to canada my hairdresser was mega-pissed to see this big-ass rat’s nest thing she had to cut it the fuck out.

one nite i thought it would be a good idea to hop the fence of this one house and root thru all the shit in the backyard and then i went to the car and pulled off the cover and sat in the driver’s seat and then this army dude comes out and decks me to the ground then the fuzz came by to say hello. that was great. im all like yah im french canadian and that’s when they took me for a ride to 420 for a 5 hour hang-out session in a cell. they even took a polaroid of me. i wish i coulda kept it. i looked awesome. oh then me and anti went to go see tony and put my cigarettes out in his pizza dip and give the middle finger to the scientologists across the street.

i talked super-fast too, and quite frequently. no one knew what the fuck i was saying. i’d ask all these dumb questions and then cut people off before they could answer. i even talked in rhyme and riddle. it was so gay. but i couldn’t help it, you see. i was totally concussed to fuckin’ mania. i’d walk into a room and let my bag explode open and throw my shit all over the place and change outfits every five minutes. i spent all my money on useless crap too. i look at that shit now and think why the hell did i buy that for? i went thru at least fifteen pairs of cheap sunglasses and every single magazine ever printed. i even got surf booties and i don’t even surf. i wore them in the shower and sometimes out like regular shoes because i was so damn hip. for some reason i liked to spend most of my time in the car. when it was parked. just listening to music, chainsmoking my face off and applying sparkly nailpolish everywhere.

so eventually we went back to canadurr and hit the bottle immediately. luckily kristi my cousin and neighbor had weed connex all over town and hooked us up asap upon arrival. and then that was all we ever did. order pizza everyday smoke smoke smoke and drink soda and still no sleep for me.

i just ate a banana. soon i will take a shower. i’m out of smokes so i’ll have to walk to the store. this is my life. straight-up.

im such a total fagface. i live for that paradise hotel show. it’s true. yep. that, and cigarettes and iron pills.

can you say total babe?