my day-job



Did you know i use to pretend I was dead a lot when i was a little kid? Oh yeh. I’d drape my lanky body on the stairs, upside-down or i’d lie in bed with my eyes open when i knew my mum would be stopping in. The best was pretending to be dead in the bathtub, underwater with my eyes open. I could do it for like 4 minutes. I have no idea why i did this. i’m just a big weirdo. Though I wish my life were as exciting as Tiezane’s




meet Bj

this iclandic dude is in love with raymi and sexwithsmartpeople and i wish i knew what the hell he is writing about. oh well.


“sj�i�i �essa s��u, h�n er FOKKING brill!!! linka�i � hana � blogglistanum”



when i was in grade 3 i won a drawing contest. I totally hogged the one copy of this book Taking care of Crumley that my class had and therefore was able to draw the best picture of these two dorks on the jungle gym in their playground or whatever. All my peers were so jealous ’cause I got to meet Ted Staunton and he gave me a copy of Maggie and Me and he signed it too. I got to stand up in front of all the grade 3′s and shake his hand and hug him and show off my book. Ahhh. Do you believe i was the teacher’s pet and the smartest kid in all of grade three? Believe it. They wanted to skip me to grade four and to french immersion. I’m like, fuck no, I’m having too much fun sitting on my ass working on these simple-ass extra-credit assignments, being miss popular smartypants. I had this method of winning the teacher over every year. For the first month I’d be wicked decent and polite and do all my work immediately and I’d always put up my hand and never was afraid to speak up – and eventually i’d get special privileges like reading to the dumbest kid in class in lieu of doing my own assignments or going to the library to “read” (see: sleep on a beanbag chair until lunch and eat twinkies). And say if i did act up and get ratted out by a fellow fuckhead, the teacher would always take my side. Always. I could go on, but you get the picture. Manipulating people = good.


meet Cuda



Guess what? the answering machine message on my phone sez, “Hi, you’ve reached bla bla bla – THERE’S A PARTY GOING ON!!!” and House of the Rising Sun is playing in the background – well, coolhandluke called me and BELIEVED a REAL PARTY was going on so he came straight over and the only people who were there was me and my roommates being geeks in front of our computers. Coolhandluke was dissapointed. I felt bad so I tried to double him on my bike up the street but he is not meant for bicycles so we fell over and I told him to GET OFF my bike and then i rode away to Tequila Lounge to see Gogol Bordello. We also got a tasty new hunk up at sexwithsmartpeople


Man I am so fucking bored. The only excitment of my day is wearing new pajamas. Hooo-ahh! I received barely five pieces of email. All-time fucking low. However, I’m having a rather fabulous time cleaning up my back deck and hosing down the chairs and making sure Trent the cat doesn’t escape. A few days ago a gang of asshole raccoons showed up and destroyed everything. This temp-roomie decided it was a good idea to leave garbage bags of rotten food on the back deck. um no. Bonus – we have a wheelchair and it’s in the kitchen. Just when I thought I couldnt get any lazier. Man, booze in your coffee at two in the afternoon – best idea ever. Well, it comes in second after swimming.



today i’m going to be a big gay and print up the “autobiography” i’m writing and go sit in a hipster hangout and pretend to be all cool and edit it for awhile. if you see me please say something nice. thanks.




this giraffe had its head smashed in but luckily, this dude exists.



if i die tomorrow it’s ’cause i’m a mouthy bitch.


this dude decided to dump a litre of coke on the fresh white sidewalk in front of my apt. so i was all dude, what the hell and he is like, yeh whatever and then we’re all bla bla thanks a lot and he’s all talking to us in porchugeuse or something and muttering so we mouth off a bit more and he goes you’re stupid and i’m like are you talking? and he goes shut up and drove away.


true fucking story.




Matt Berning’s Weblog for Computer Science (Period 4) with Mr. McPartland You go matt!