Didja ever notice that these “fun size” packages of m&m’s and snickers and doritos aren’t really all that fun cuz you hardly get any at all.
I tried to do this ultra-kool roundhouse kick on my boss the other day but i missed and he tripped me then smothered my face in a display of papertowels. everyone was real impressed. He went to watch sum white-trash wrestling last nite and was going on and on about it all day.
btw–many of these postings i have copiedand pasted rite in here frum viceland.com ‘s message board.
go there, i suggest for more background info of funnies and where/when/if you come ‘cross any inconsistencies with my ramblings.
I am under the name : Raymi the minx.
Raymi is the name of a character in a book i’m dragging thru the mud, she’s this little vixen bitch whose real young and welp, does everything a minx does, y’know.
It’s called ‘the last minx’ , the book.
My friend and I are making it into a comicbook series as well, which is fun, but we’re real lazy and have all this talent but we like to sleep lots and do stoopid things like drink pop and try on ugly clothes at the salvation Army.
I bought this awesome Chocolate coloured velvet jacket for $6. I walk around pretending i’m Jarvis Cocker and when people ask me questions i look over their shoulders into space and drawl my words.
This Morn’ on the Rocket
i was lookin’ in the reflectshUn
of the window and saw this
‘ol fatty woman diggin’ up
her nose with her thumb,
look down at
her thumB to see what she
got, smiled, looked around
to check if anyone would witness
the spectacular event
soon to be taking place and then
she plunked her thUmB with
the GoLd on it
onto her tongue and swAlloweD.
immediately after watching
this through the
i turned my head to face
her and i smiled with that,
“Yes, i just saw what you did!”
smirk upon my bitchy face.
Funny, the things people do
when they think no one’s
Ward had pooh problems when he was real young. He simply figured there just wasn’t enuff time for a dump, so, his bowel movements ceased to exist. Whenever the need to take a massive crap would come along, if Ward wuz busy, he would just hold it in. Over time, Ward grew ill and lost his appetite, thus, his body weight diminished. Ward figured that since he had been holding in all his craps, if he DID finally take one, he knew that it would be highly painful and tear hisself a new asshole. His whole family became very worried about him and couldn’t understand why it was happening. Of course, Ward did not tell them the reason why. Finally, one fall day when he was raking leaves, a crap seemed to be on its way. Ward was feeling quite confident and believed that today was a fine day for a shit.
Throwing down the rake, Ward ran into the house, viciously attempting to get his pants and underwear down around his ankles. He planted his ass down onto the shitter and began to create what would be the largest of bowel movements that he’d ever push out. In fact he pushed so hard he almost passed out. When Ward was finished, the bathroom smelt as if somebody had curled up and died in there months ago. He ran to get his mum and boy, was she proud!
“Ward, oh, good for you! It must have worked itself out! Oh, this is just so wonderful!” She was smiles all around, and Ward, with a dopey-ass grin upon his face, wiped the sweat from his brow and exhaled a sigh of victory. Ward’s mum got his dad, grandmother and aunt on the phone to relay the good news. They were all pleased as punch
Ward was diagnosed with a learning disability at a very young age, now known as A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder). Which is very accurate cuz he often will be telling me a story then completely lose train of thought and skip to another unrelated story.
When Ward was a little brat he would constantly ask his parents stupid and answerless questions ie; Why do cats meow? Why does it rain? How does a TV work? Why can’t you breathe in Space? Why is ice, cold?
One time Ward was impatient for his mum to get ready to go out to the mall and he was anxiously trying to persuade her to get her ass in gear but she was watching the Blue Jay game. (How horribly lame is that?). She said; “No Ward, wait for the Jays to finish playing, we have to give them our encouragement.” Ward was like, “OK.” He looked at the screen and saw the pitcher; David Cox appear, with COX emblazened on the back of his shirt. Thus, for encouragement, Ward belted out; “YOU SUCK COX!” His brother started laughing at what he had said, but Ward didn’t get the jist of it.
My friend Ward one time let his brother and sister dress him up like a girl when he was a little tot.
They put sparkly make-up on him and a wig and a big ugly flowery-printed mama dress and they wheeled him around the neighbourhood in their lil red wagon. They introduced Ward to all the old people on the street as their little sister Wardette. The stoopid thing about this story is, Ward let them do this.
-Ward is 18 years old and already has a bad credit rating.
-Ward’s favorite song is; ‘It’s the end of the world as we know it’ By R.E.M.
-Ward thinks his ’94 VW Golf is the shit.
-Ward laughs like a goat.
-Ward always manages to spill gas all over hisself whenever at the pump.
-Ward loves oriental chicks.
-Ward is easy to persuade. He would drive you to the mall and then buy you something.
-Suitably enuff, Ward’s favorite movie is ‘The Stupids’
-Ward alphabetizes his CD collection.
-Ward makes his bed every morning and every nite b4 going to sleep. Why? I dunno
Earlier today, I was washing this see-thru glass bowl, trying to get off this lil black speck.
It just would NOT get oFF!
I scrubbed and i scrubbed at it, but ffuk, it would NOT scrape Off!
So, i let it soaK in hot-flaming water wif a scoop of sunlight and I ate popkorn whilst waiting.
After my wait i go at it with a wire brush. nope–
the fucker stays on. So. as i wipe the sweat frum my brow, i turn the bowl over and a drip of water frum
the tap lands on the speck and it washes down the drain.
The eFFing speck was on the OTHER side of the bowl!!
Guess how stoopid i felt right there and then.